Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Entry #9

The Falcon That Does Not Fly
by Megs Payne


The falcon flew.

Asere looked up, her gaze catching on the silhouette above her, darkening over the crackly branches of naked, winter trees. The chill air rang with a fierce shriek, and the falcon plummeted toward the earth.

Was it hunting?

She moved forward behind her rock to try and see.

A falcon that does not fly is an enemy scout.

Did it land? That shadow, casting down like lightning across her vision. It struck. The earth exploded and wings beat upward. A small once-living thing trapped within its claws.

She let out her breath, softly—no good to give away her position now. The falcon flew.

Asere heard the whispered beat of distant drums. She narrowed her eyes through the dim forest and tangled brambles, considered the distance between. Her fingers itched with the need to shield, to let loose a wave of burning light and mold it to her will. But so far. She was not needed yet.

Another shriek scored the stillness. Asere looked up to see the falcon dive. Its claws reached out, caught hold of a thick branch of a denuded oak. The falcon turned its golden eye toward her rock, balefully surveying the forest. It did not see her. It did not cry out again.

She listened to that deceptive, distant sound of beating drums.

So far.

Her fingers itched. The light burned beneath her skin.

She stood to strike.

35 comments:

Aniket said...

Love the description and imagery in the vignette.

It seems straight out of a novel. I'd love this to be converted to a much larger piece.

Bernita said...

Makes one want more.

Leatherdykeuk said...

fabulous description

Sarah Laurenson said...

More please.

Four Dinners said...

I need to know more about Asere. You've left everyone needing more.

That is class!!!

Amias said...

Very interesting, now like the rest I would like more, please.

Meghan said...

I also love the imagery. Is this part of a larger piece?

Craig said...

I enjoyed way you were able to enfuse this piece with the character's tension.

Megs - Scattered Bits said...

Thanks for all the lovely compliments. In a way, yes. I thought about my main character from the novel I'm writing and I had just been with her falcon imagery and this sort of popped out, though I don't think it would fit in the book. I don't THINK. Hmm...

Nevine said...

I do love every word here. How it was written. Where it was placed. Very very nice...

Nevine

Chris Eldin said...

I, too, wanted to read what comes next!
Vivid descriptions!

pjd said...

I don't know what I will do if I come across an entry and Aniket is not the first commenter. It will feel like the sun rising in the west and setting in the east.

Megs, you really do have a strong opening here. You've built tension and curiosity with the distant drums, the "so far" refrain, and the role of the falcon-scout. Nice job.

Kartik said...

The imagery was very reminiscent of "Lord of the Flies", wouldn't you think? Very vivid!!

Lena said...

I cannot add much to the comments above. Its an amazing piece which leaves everyone want more.

Tara said...

I'm just going to ditto Lena, and pretty much everyone else aboce me :-)

JaneyV said...

Terrific tension in this piece. I am bursting to know what the light is. Really nice writing.

Beth Harar said...

Excellent imagery!

laughingwolf said...

definitely a contender...

austere said...

And then?

Aimee Laine said...

There is deep imagery in this!! Wow!

kashers said...

An enjoyable read. There did seem, to me anyway, an inconsistency with the winter chill opening and the light burning beneath her skin at the end.

Scattercat said...

What a nicely evocative piece of military advice. "The falcon that does not fly..." Seems one could do a lot with a proverb like that. Quite a lot indeed...

Preeti said...

Very well written. Left me with a feeling of incompletion. :-(
wish you'd given us more.

Laurel said...

If this is part of a book, I want to read it. Nice job!

illyriataylor said...

love the snake eye view

Rabid Fox said...

Interesting little tale. I really liked the imagery with the falcon and its mannerisms overhead.

My Blog 2.0 (Dottie) said...

Great imagery, the falcon, the light, and the drums.

Dottie :)

stacy said...

This seems straight out of a novel. Full of suspense. I wanted to read on.

McKoala said...

I think this is beautiful writing, but, um, I was slightly distracted by my own misreading of her name. Let's just say, I transposed the 'r' and the 's'...This may seem trivial, but if there are more like me around, it could be an issue!

james r tomlinson said...

The build-up is masterfully done. I'm wondering what she's getting ready to do, who she's going to attack.

Lee Hughes said...

I was holding my breath whilst reading that!

Loved the, "Asere heard the whispered beat of distant drums."

Deb Smythe said...

Feels like the opening of a wonderful fantasy novel. And since I'm partial to that genre, I will simply say, Yay!

Jane said...

great visuals on this..well done

Corra McFeydon said...

The pairing 'the falcon flew' and 'A falcon that does not fly is an enemy scout.' creates an interesting effect. The distant drums pair well with that effect - causing a sensation of taut nerves and waiting.

Interesting excerpt here.

My very best of luck to you with this entry! Really well-written.

All the best,
Corra McFeydon

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Cheers,
Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like the merits of Mafia Wars or whether Katie Holmes should demand a divorce