(We join Dude 1 and Dude 2 with beers in progress, feet on the coffee table, watching a old episode of Bay Watch with the sound turned low.)
"Dude, I didn't get to tell you what happened this morning."
"Yeah. I was on the subway going to work. You know how most people are half asleep in the morning?"
"Reading their newspapers? Sleeping even?"
"I hate newspapers."
"So there's this woman. Middle-aged I guess. Everyone's quiet. Everyone's doing their thing. But I notice her kind of looking around. Looking uncomfortable."
"Yeah, like she's in some kind of pain. Or trying to hold something in. Then, as I'm watching, she snatches something out of her purse. Does a little side maneuver, then it's gone. Back in her purse."
"What the hell?"
"And now she acting like nothing's out of the ordinary. But it's painfully obvious."
(Twists the cap off another beer.)
"But something IS out of the ordinary. This fucking smell hits me."
"What? Like, perfume?"
"Good guess. I thought perfume at first, but it was so bad. Too strong. Too wacky. I'm trying not to choke and figure it out at the same time. That's when it finally hit me."
(Misses the trash can with the cap.)
"Yeah, I know. You don't expect to smell air freshener on a subway, but that's what it was. I'm thinking, what the fuck? Just whip out a tiny can of Glade and give a little spritz? I've seen a lot of things, but I haven't seen that before."
"But then...oh yeah...then, it all becomes clear. Another smell mixes in. Now it's not just the wildflower vomit and battery acid. It's got an undertone of nasty."
"She totally let one loose man!"
"Uh huh. It's totally that air-freshener-in-the-bathroom-after-nuclear-war smell."
"Tell me about it."
"Wait. You mean, she blasts a couple dead tacos and then does a little ninja spray to neutralize?"
"Indeed. Travel size can, even."
"I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed."
"You usually do that shit in stealth mode. Everybody will just blame each other anyway."
"Yeah. Might as well shove a microphone up your ass and broadcast it."
"So people start looking up from their papers. Noses wrinkle. I even saw one old lady start shaking her head."
"Um, you got one of those cans?"