Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Beer Philosophers #8 - Porcelain Pontifications


"You know, I never realized it before. Kind of cool, actually. The shape of these things is very metaphorical. Have you ever noticed that?"

"Mmmmmphh."

"Yeah. I agree. It's the smoothness. The convex curves. Or it is concave? Yes, concave. It goes inward. Convex is when something bends outward. Convex lenses correct farsightedness, for example. They make the light rays focus closer. We're definitely dealing with concave here."

"Gmmmmphh!!"

"Anyway, back to my point. When you turn on the water, it goes clockwise. See? Did you know that? It's because of the Earth's rotation. If we were in a bathroom in the Southern Hemisphere instead of here in the Northern, the water would swirl counterclockwise down the drain. Fascinating, isn't it? Hurricanes and typhoons are the same way. Clockwise here, counterclockwise down there."

"Cooghk..cooghkk."

"Are you alright there? Yeah? No? Anyway, the smooth marble is another thing. (Or the composite resin. Whatever sinks are made of these days.) See, the water is like time. Our lives. Whirling and whirling down the drain. The sides are too slick to climb back up. We're doomed to the pipes. Sometimes the water washing us down is clean. Sometimes it...."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAPT!"

"Um, isn't. Yikes."

"Uuuuh."

"Well, you probably want time to whip down that drain pretty fast, don't you? Sorry man, but I did warn you about drinking the Vodka like that, didn't I? You can't drink so much so fast. Especially after a bunch of beers. Jesus! I, on the other hand, may be drunk, but I know when to stop."

"Mmmmmm."

"And thanks for projectile vomiting on me in the living room. That's a first. That's a rare treat."

"Mmmmm."

"At least you're beyond embarrassment at this point. You're not exactly conscious."

"Mmmm."

"So just lay in the sink for a little while. But don't fall, okay? Don't bash your head on the toilet or something."

"Mmm."

"I'll just leave you to your...."

"zzz"

"Oh, that's not good. All of sudden I feel kind of--"

"Uhh?"

"Oh crap, GET OUTTA THE WAY!"

11 comments:

Atrisa said...

Haha! Haven't we all been there!

Erratic Thoughts said...

Hahaha...Lol this was too good!
'Projectile vomiting on me' Shit I've been there *urgh* people have no sense of neighbor’s cleanliness :P

the walking man said...

i almost wish I could say I remember days (nights) like that but it has been waaaaaaaaaaaay to long.

SzélsőFa said...

it was fun to read :)))

i know of a joke that suits:
a drunk man gets in to a train compartment and finds his seat opposite to a lady. the woman notices that the man smells of alcohol.
it seems that the man has some digestiv problems, for at a sharp turn, he vomits all the way into the lap and upper body of the woman.
the lady gets up and exclaims: oh, you pig, just look how disgusting you are!
the drunk replies: look who's talking.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

OMG - I'm laughing at the beer philosophers' craziness and SzelsoFa's joke!!!
Both are hilarious - but, now that I am really thinking about it - both are sort of making me feel.....ughhhgghghgh! :O

Angie Ledbetter said...

;) Been there, done that lotsa times.

jason evans said...

Atrisa, oh, you definitely get the nab-it-right-after-it's-posted award. Bravo!!! :)

Erratic Thoughts, I've been there too (as the vomitee). I even got hit sideways.

Walking man, not exactly days to pine for. But then again....

Szelsofa, ha!! Totally appropriate joke. Thanks for sharing! :D

Kaye, take a deep breath. A very deep breath. It will be okay. :)

Angie, total comedy of errors!

Seré said...

Drunken self-righteousness usually comes back to bite rather quickly. This was fun -- and I'd rather read about it than experience it any day!

Tabitha Bird said...

LOL! Funny, unless of course it is you with you head in the toilet bowl :)

LOVED your comment on my blog. So true.

jason evans said...

Sere, very true. It only sounds profound to the ears of the drunk speaker. And sometimes the lolling listener. :)

Tabitha, yeah, that's definitely not the position you want to be in. (And thanks!)

J. Elis Morgan said...

Porcelain Pontifications -- After I read the story and laughed, I laughed even more at the title. Very well done!