Thursday, July 14, 2011

Entry #12

by Jade Leone Blackwater

“Almost here,” chirps Ian, “you’ll see! This sun day’ll be different Violet.”

“I cannot imagine how.”

“Just you wait Vi! Chhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.”

Ian blows air through his teeth, winding up. My twin brother is not among those who fear the solarrivum. He anxiously anticipates the annual blaze of sunlight, craves the insanity it evokes.

For the unsighted like me it is safer to hide inside until sundown. I’ll finger literature, try to ignore the riot outside. But secretly I’ll wish I could go a little crazy with them.

“Remember your shoes Ian. And take water.”

“YOU remember to lock the doors SIS! Chhhhuuuuhhhh!”

I take Ian’s hand and feel the palm slick with sweat. He shakes loose and lurches, toppling the chair.

“Mem. Memory. Memorize. No momentum can escape—” Ian’s heels squeak across the linoleum. His duck-walk is unstoppable.

“Your shoes, Ian!”

“Can’t catch me can’t catch me wwwwwaaaaaaaacck!”

The front door bolt clicks and the hinges whine ajar. I stumble over Ian’s chair and trace 19 steps to the threshold. Outside laughter rages in hysterics. I reach for the doorknob but my arm freezes outstretched. A cloud of white noise surges with a warm pulse through my skin.

“Ian!” I twiddle my fingers and see shadows waggle in the glow. “Ian come back. Something is happening!”

Thrill or fear, I am unsure which is greater. Behind my eyes a fuzzy twitch twirls like a worm. The hysterical barks sound closer now... much closer.


Aimee Laine said...

So I'm not sure what happened exactly but this feels like just the start of something. Am I right that she's blind? I was getting images of her brother, wondering how she 'knew' stuff that was visual. Makes me wonder what was there before ... like if this was after some other event where she had gone crazy with 'them' ... whoever 'they' are. :)

Mikki said...

Truly wonderful. Your world came to life from the first word, expanding and pulling me in at an alarming rate. I hope you intend to build upon this; it feels like the beginning of something innovative and fresh.

Thanks for sharing!

Katherine Tomlinson said...

This reminds me of Asimov's classic story NIGHTFALL. Very evocative.

Precie said...

Don't leave us hanging! :) I'm totally hooked and desperate to find out what happened to these siblings. Nicely done.

Peter Dudley said...

This is both terrific and frustrating. A beautifully done start, but incomplete and ending with the cliffhanger. I hope you write more to it. As Mikki said, you created a whole lot of world in very few words.

fairyhedgehog said...

I was reminded of The Day of The Triffids, except that it sounds like her blindness isn't enough to save her.

bluesugarpoet said...

You've cracked open the door to a unique and interesting world. Wonder what happens next... Nicely done! ~jana

Michael Morse said...

In all my years I never read something from a blind person's perspective. Good work!

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Nicely done, I could read more. Unique.

Dottie :

Old Kitty said...

Oh my goodness how terrifying!! Poor Violet!! I really felt for her here!! Wonderful! Take care

Jade L Blackwater said...

@Aimee - indeed, she is blind. I tried to select descriptions which would come from her other senses. I was so sad to cut out one of my favorites - a smell from Ian's body - but it seemed more poetry than story in that draft. Thank you for reading, and wondering!

@Mikki - I had fun writing this story. For weeks it's just been a scenario. When I saw the picture, it became a story.

@Katherine - thank you! In fact I've been chewing on the same Emerson discussion about stars. Though not directly related, I can't help but suggest this worthy read: Ladder to the Pleiades

@Precie - Thank you! I'm hesitant to write more. On the one hand, I can imagine a lot in this land. On the other hand, Violet's moment in the sun is unleashed. Still, perhaps there's more to learn from Ian... and Violet didn't actually get out the door yet.

@Peter - Thank you. Since you're not the first to suggest I continue, perhaps there is more to write here than I first gave credit?

@fairyhedgehog - Thanks, I haven't read the Triffids story yet and I appreciate the suggestion--the synopsis sounds great.

@jana - thanks for reading!

@Michael - thanks! I liked this experiment with Violet, I think I'll have to try again. I feel like there might be whole worlds I'm failing to include among the senses, and I like playing with perceptive characters.

@Dottie - kind thanks!

@Old Kitty - terrifying, and wonderful! It's my kinda scene. Thanks for reading.

Lisa Gail Green said...

Oh no! You can't leave off there! I must know what happens. Great premise for a story.

Richard Levangie said...

I enjoyed this a great deal, and I disagree with others who hated to be left hanging. I love when a writer can do that!

You also demonstrated that fine writing need not resort to 10-gallon hat words.

Well done!

yamini said...

It's intriguing to know a blind person's perspective, like Michael mentioned.

I could have read more too.

This is one of the bests so far..

excellent writing.

Chris Allinotte said...

I read this from the angle that the world is completely shrouded in cloud, and there is one day (or two) when the sun breaks through each year, which is justifiably cause for a riotous celebration.

Cheers for making my imagination run away with it!

Aidan Fritz said...

The one day the sun breaks through made me think this is post-apocalyptic or sci-fi set on another world. You've captured the festive moment of the sunbreak through Ian's rambunctiousness. Well done.

jrthumbprints said...

It's never easy trying to create a complete story in 250-words. Sometimes us writers take out more words than we leave in. The tonality of your flash stands out.

Apple Ardent Scott said...

What a world you've created! This is a wonderful adventure in itself.

Jodi MacArthur said...

Terrifying, Jade. I like everything from the name Violet, to her condition, to the crazy party they hold outside, to the terrifying moment when you and she both know something is horribly wrong and its coming to get her. Yikes! and Awesome!

Linda Ryan-Harper said...

Methinks she is beginning to see the light, but not judging from the other comments here. ( Now DON'T tell me, Jade! I'll wait to read the next chapter.)

JaneyV said...

Jade, I too would like to read more. Violet's fear of light is intriguing considering her blindness. My feeling is that she sensed it could change her. I love how you contrasted her cautious nature with the excitement and impulsiveness of Ian. Lovely job.

Catvibe said...

Yes more! I'm hooked and want to see where this is going. Great writing and characters.

Jade L Blackwater said...

@Lisa - thank you!

@Richard - kind thanks. The poet in me is constantly arm-wrestling my inner copywriter. Clarity trumps artistry (although it's ultimate when they can compromise).

@yamini - I'm flattered, many thanks.

@Chris - you're not far from my original premise. That's where I started--with the conditions of the world--but Violet and Ian are the ones who gave me something to talk about.

@Aidan - thanks! Ian is a fun character to write.

@JRthumbprints - thank you, I'm still navigating that balance between what I can leave in and what gets the axe. What I'd really like to to be able to accomplish more with half the words.

@Apple - many thanks!

@Jodi - thank you, I'm really glad the story works for you!

@Linda - You're on the right track! This particular sun day (Solarrivum) happens to be Violet's first day of sight.

@JaneyV - thank you! I wanted to play with the experience of fearing the very thing we crave, or hiding from something we don't fully apprehend.

@Catvibe - thank you for reading!

That goes for everyone - thanks so much for reading folks, and thank you to all who have shared their thoughts and feedback (and stories too).

jason evans said...

I'm fascinated by this world. I want see more of it. Pacing and story concept were the strongest for me.