Thursday, July 14, 2011

Entry #19

Deviation of Time and Space
by Adina Pelle

I should have killed you. I should have acted on my instinct before waking up.

You are the male half of an annoying couple…a couple I studied for an hour in the bar while you plumbed lower and lower depths of human degradation and stupidity.

For sport, you turned towards your better half with a sudden motion. Instantaneously, from hard-learned habit, her hands flew up to cover her face. She knew the next step of that brutal dance. You gently moved her trembling hands out of the way and your powerful fist stroke her face full of tears.

Sitting at my table, I thought for a while about just drinking the emotions of others—used to be a reliable and seductive way of entertaining myself. Now, I stare with a paralyzed soul at the sight before my eyes.

With lightning speed, my bare hands find their way to your neck and soon you are unconscious…a flabby punching bag for my fists.

I soon feel lighter than air as a peaceful wave of silence surrounds me.

I am cool.

The fist, a standard deviation of space.

My mind is filled with a dense fog of unresolved thoughts. I try to make sense of the world, but nothing comes through.

I decide to walk away.

My fist is bloody and I am flabbergasted. I feel my head weighing a ton. I try to fathom what really happened.

I should have killed you. I should have acted on my instinct before waking up.


Melanie Odhner said...

Wow. I really like this one.
I can't tell exactly what's going on, but it still carries a strong sense of the character; someone both likable and scary.
And the piece is well-written. Nice job.

Aimee Laine said...

So, she's watching a couple, then she is 1/2 of that couple and then she is acting upon her actions but it was all really a dream? Trying to piece together the sequence since it's in 2nd person and then first person ... so CAN she kill in her dreams? Seems like there needs to be more (which is not possible in 250 words), but there's more here. I can feel it. :)

Adina Pelle said...

Attribute most of this to the madness of alcohol and how much objective reality-straight facts can we trust?
The disconnect between what a man thinks and what is real. A man uses his fist on a jerk, but does he really or it's all a dream?
The story circles back on itself, the protagonist is trapped in a destructive cycle or loop.

Mikki said...

Excellent work. This piece cuts through the layers of humanity, delivering us the thoughts of two individuals (or is it really the conscious and the subconscious?) experiencing a situation frought with emotion. I had to read three times before I could fathom the depths of what I was reading. I'm still not sure I truly understand. What I do know is that I will still be thinking about it long after I walk away. Nice job.

Thanks for sharing!

Jade L Blackwater said...

Jekyll and Hyde vigilante?

SzélsőFa said...

nice play on the colors of the photo - I found anger and self-justification of counterviolence, yet it is a bit unclear whether the protagonist, with his trapped and sort-of-pshychotic emotions, did anything or was just thinking about it. he reminds me of Michael Douglas in Falling Down (a 1993 film)

SzélsőFa said...

uhm, sorry for the typo :(

Peter Dudley said...

After reading this comment, I see I understood it correctly on my first read... except that I didn't think of the protagonist as being in a drunken fog. I think the "before waking up" threw some readers because some of us took it literally (see the comments on dreams). It's an interesting approach to the prompt for sure.

fairyhedgehog said...

"I try to fathom what really happened" just about describes it for me. I was intrigued and curious and puzzled all at once.

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Interesting piece...still working it out... Nice!

Dottie :)

Old Kitty said...

How intriguing - I love the puzzle. I think the bad guy is dead, the mc killed him but cannot remember - or did the mc dream this all?? Great story! Take care

Jodi MacArthur said...

It's like two different phases of conscience-ness: the victim and the avenger. And her regret for not going all the way. Like ptsd or something. I'm not for sure that is what you were going for but that is myinterpretation of this story.

I love risky taking. You stretched it on the wire here and that makes you awesome.

bluesugarpoet said...

I felt pulled into this piece with the use of second person - I imagined that I was that person - a cad that needed to be punched senseless. Great read! ~Jana A.

Chris Allinotte said...

I like the ambiguity of the ending, but the description of the couple towards the beginning is spot on, and my heart ached for the woman.

JaneyV said...

Adina - I didn't get the drunken aspect on first read. I thought that perhaps the heightened senses of an adrenaline rush corrupted his own reality so that he behaved out of character. Now that I realise he was drunk the piece takes on a greater clarity and the confusion you crafted so well becomes more meaningful. Well done.

jason evans said...

The disconnect in the writing is fascinating. It mirrors the action in story very well. Solid pacing.