Thursday, June 22, 2006

Entry #9

"It Is Finished"
by Esther Avila


Jan stood by a large window, unable to move, as she watched a single lightning bolt pierce the darkness. She shivered as she pulled an old torn blanket closer to her body.

She had sought the house as a refuge from the storm. Her mountain bike and wet clothing lay in a heap on the front porch.

"You really ought to get away from that window."

Jan turned her expressionless face towards the raspy voice.

"You don't scare me," Jan replied in a firm voice as she glared at the man who had just assaulted her.

"You can't run," the male voice said. "There's no where to go. Come. Tell me your name."

Jan turned her attention to the power pole. It gave her comfort as she thought of Jesus dying on the Cross.

She felt alone and betrayed. Could this be what Jesus felt?

"I said, tell me your name," the man demanded as he stripped her of the blanket and jerked her by the hair.

Her naked body fell hard on the cement floor.

The man struggled to keep his balance. This was not supposed to happen.

Even through blurry vision, Jan noticed his petrified face as he grabbed at the curtains while another bolt of lightening gave him a fraction-of-a-second glimpse at the thick substance pooling around her head.

"It is finished," she whispered as she closed her eyes.

19 comments:

Flood said...

Love the religious theme.

Jer said...

Ooh, nice surprise ending, robbing the torturer of his fun.

Jeff said...

Well done, Esther. :)

emeraldcite said...

What jer said. Well done!

For The Trees said...

Dead on!

Jim said...

Wonga... tough ending.

September said...

Thanks, everyone. To me the photo has a resemblence to that dark, cloudy day description in the Bible when Jesus was on the Cross. I was trying to think of something awful happening to someone knowing that it would also end in death but I didn't know the ending until I got there. Then it just fell into place and I had my title. :) It was fun.

Scott said...

Looking at your previous comment, I know exactly what you mean. This would expand out well to a larger piece. There is a lot going on here.

Anthony J. Rapino said...

And the darkness continues. Great story, nice imagry.

Bhaswati said...

Very good writing, Esther. Sad and vivid.

Melly said...

Good stuff, flowing well. Sad

mr. schprock said...

The crucifix and Jesus' last words. Martyrdom and purity in the face of corruption. You did it all in so few words. Awesome.

Phil Eggman said...

Wow Ester! You take a dark moment and give it light! I have goosebumps!

Amra Pajalic said...

I like the story, just had a few niggly questions. Betrayal suggests she knew the man who assaulted her. I didn't quite get the whole killing herself thing. I've re-read it a few times but it didn't come across clearly to me. I need an image as to how she did it. I like the imagery of Jesus on the Cross and her sacrificing herself. Think that theme worked well.

Robert said...

Good story

JLB said...

Appropriately dark!

anna said...

Your story fits the photo perfectly. Dark and disturbing.
Lot of content for 250 words.
Enjoyed the tension.

jason evans said...

Esther, I like how the narrative ignores the rapist at the beginning just as the character puts him from her mind. The experience of the reader tracks the experience of the character very well.

September said...

Thank you everyone. I just returned from New York and am sad to say that I did not have a chance to log on while on the trip as I would have liked. I missed the whole "readers choice" voting.

Amra: Jan did not kill herself. She died when the rapist jerked her by the hair, causing her to fall hard and hitting her head against the cement.

Jason: Thanks again for having these contests. I enjoy participating and I enjoy reading all of the entries. Looking forward to more. :)