Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Entry #20

In the Light of the Moon
by Linda Fort-Bolton


I think I am losing my mind. I should have known this was going to happen.

Why didn’t someone warn me?

There is a full moon out tonight; something bad is going to happen.

I should not have come home early. I wasn’t planning on it. I remember telling myself to hurry home; I didn’t understand why.

I walk up to the second floor apartment. I put my key in the lock; the door creaks open. I smell the perfume.

I stumble over to the couch; I see the red, wool coat. It looks like a pool of blood.

I hear someone laughing and whispering, so I walk over to the bedroom. I slowly open the door and perfume mixed with a pungent smell reeks out.

The velvet curtains are parted and the moon is shining in through the window. Full moon, something bad is about to happen.

I drop my eyes to the bed. They don’t see me. They are much too busy.

I look at my hand. I am holding my husband’s gun in my hand. I didn’t remember picking it up. My fingers are trembling as I pull the trigger.

Someone screams. I pull the trigger again and again.

It is quiet now. I look out the window and the only thing I see is the lonely moon.

I leave the room, closing the door behind me. I pick up the red, wool coat and hold it to my face. I smell the perfume. It is familiar.

22 comments:

Jim said...

I like the mantra of "something bad is about to happen." The ending feels a little abrupt, though. Making "I look out the window and the only thing I see is the lonely moon" would probably have been more satisfying ending.

robert rohloff said...

This story held my interest right up to the end. Good job Linda.

Scott said...

The story was interesting. I was a bit distracted by the repetition of sentences starting with "I".

K. Lawson Gilbert said...

Entertaining. I, for one, loved the last two lines....very poetic.

Bonnie Cehovet said...

O too like the mantra about "something is going to happen", and I felt that the story flowed very nicely.

Robert Ball said...

Nice flow and I like the ending with the perfume being familiar ... Hmmm.

anne frasier said...

i also have to add that i liked the ending. i completely get what jim is saying, because his suggestion would have made a good ending too, but i really like the red coat and familiar perfume.

i thought about switching it to this:

It is quiet now.

I leave the room, closing the door behind me. I pick up the red, wool coat and hold it to my face. I smell the perfume. It is familiar.

I look out the window and the only thing I see is the lonely moon.

but i think i prefer the original.

good job!

Jim said...

Yes, Anne, that was actually what I meant. I probably should have been more clear. :)

anna said...

I liked this story. I loved the ending - the red wool coat is a very vivid image - and the smell of the familiar perfume is another excellent sense trigger
Enjoyed!!

Joni said...

I like the sense that she's being driven by something other than herself. I got thrown off by some of the tense changes in the beginning, but that's minor. Nicely paced. Good job.

Linda said...

Thanks to everyone for your constructive feedback. I appreciate it. I am new at this and this is only the second time I wrote something, the first time was the other contest Jason had. I am just learning and not as good as the rest of you guys, but I love doing this and hope to learn by my mistakes. I love reading all the entries, that is the best part.

Lisa said...

I like the comparison of the red coat to a pool of blood. The impending doom comes to a tragic end.

Marcail said...

I like the repetitive candence of the prose. Reflects the robotic nature of the protag's actions.

fringes said...

You'll work out the kinks as you practice writing more and, as you said, receiving constructive feedback is a great way to learn as you go. I think it's cool that you are inspired to write something whenever Jason hosts a contest. Thanks for your kind words on my entry.

Bhaswati said...

I liked how you paced the story. It keeps the reader engaged until the very end. Nice. :)

RichMcD said...

I love the imagery of the red coat as a pool of blood. Nicely done.

Bofire said...

This is very good. For a beginner you have a certain style of writing.
Fringe put it nicely.
There are a lot of us that are testing our skills (thanks to Jason.)
I for one.

Nicholas Abbot said...

I like the repeated "Something bad is going to happen" too. It creates a sense of stifled panic.

Flood said...

There was definately tension here!

Linda Fort-Bolton said...

Hey, thanks everbody for stopping by to read my story.

I really appreciate the encouraging remarks.

Miriam Cunha said...

A great story. I savored every word as though I was drinking a bottle of expensive wine. After I got drunk on the mind revolving tension that this piece offered. WOW! Mind bending! I loved it!

jason evans said...

The detachment is what makes this so chilling for me. She's snapped, in a dream state. Highest marks overall.