Thursday, August 24, 2006

Entry #23

Night Falls
by Ben Marroquin

They came in the night, unseen. Eyes of onyx, skin of shadowy leather, needle sharp teeth, and ravenous appetites for the careless.

It was our mother who spotted them first, through the bay window overlooking the garden. She gasped as cloud filtered moonlight betrayed them, revealed them flitting about outside our home.

She gathered my sisters and I in the living room by the burning fireplace. We huddled under a soft quilt, secure in her comforting embrace. We shuddered as claws raked against the walls and windows outside, but still they did not come in.

They pressed their ghastly faces against the windows and began to lick it with long jaundiced tongues as their eyes fell upon the mass of entwined flesh that was my family.

Goosebumps crawled on my flesh as they began their sick raspy chant: "Night falls, blood calls. We taste it on our lips. Its salty tang so liquid slick, come fill our empty pits."

On and on they chanted, their bodies flailing about in dance and their voices raising in pitch, filling our very souls with their macabre chorus. Immense waves of rolling fear pounded into our hearts. We clasped one another, battling the mountainous urge to flee the safety of our home.

Then it happened, the full moon broke free from the clouds to shine brightly down on our house. It's unfiltered beams burning into the flesh of the hideous creatures outside, making them run in pain, back to wherever they came from.


Scott said...

Do you think they disclosed all that when the put the house up for sale the next day?

Jim said...

Wow, three in a row...

It was our mother whom spotted them first...

'Who', not 'whom' in this case.

Loved the chant - eerie, but oh so poetic.

Jaye Wells said...

Interesting change with the moon burning them. Spooky story.

Ben Marroquin said...

LOL… Scott, they didn’t even stick around for the sale. But really, what did they
expect living up there on the foothills near all those caves :wink:
Thanks Jaye, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I took some of the elements from vampires
and twisted them to create my night beasts.
Ahhh, Jim. If only I had caught that earlier, but alas, I did not.
(And neither did my blasted spelling and grammar checker (grumble,grumble,grumble))
I would edit it now on the spot, if only I had the power.

But thank you Jim for pointing it out, it allowed me to fix it on my site.
And I’m glad you loved the chant, I had fun writing it.

Joni said...

Chilling. I'll be leaving my curtains closed, thank you very much.

Bonnie Cehovet said...

Great story, very "Night Stalker"!

k lawson gilbert said...

ghastly...good read.

Robert Ball said...

I really loved the chant - very hypnotic!

anne frasier said...

that was lovely, ben. yep, i also loved the chant:

Goosebumps crawled on my flesh as they began their sick raspy chant: "Night falls, blood calls. We taste it on our lips. Its salty tang so liquid slick, come fill our empty pits."

their ability to talk was also an unexpected, creepy surprise. i really liked that.

Ben Marroquin said...

Thanks for your all wonderful comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed it (and the chant). This is the first writing contest I've ever joined.
The picture also inspired me to write another piece of flash fiction which I just put up at my site. I titled it The Feast
but I'm thinking of changing it to The Old Forest. If your interested in giving it a read then just click on my
name and that should take you to my very first blog site. Well, gotta get back to work, thanks again :)

anna said...

Very visual story. Gave me the creepy crawlies! Glad the moon came out!

Bernita said...

Really nice when the spawn do not win.

linda said...

My kind of story. Good read.

Bhaswati said...

I like the way you set up the scene. I was relieved to read the end too. Good one.

The Wandering Author said...

I think I'm going to have nightmares tonight. Even though it was a happy ending. There aren't many writers who could make a story that chilling and still fit in a happy ending, especially in only 250 words.

Ben Marroquin said...

Thank You for all your encouraging posts.
They inspire me to continue writing and
learning my chosen craft; which is to
write stories that are family friendly
and geared towards young adults and
adults alike.

This is a great contest and I definitely
enjoy listening to the unique writing voices
of the other writers :)

jason evans said...

Wow. I would never have expected the moon to repel them. I like that twist! Licking the windows was a nice touch.