Thursday, August 24, 2006

Entry #22

Creature of the Night
by Bofire

My eyes pop open and I wonder, “Where am I?” My neck is throbbing; I lift my lifeless fingers to feel the pain. Blood.

It all happened so quickly. We met in a dark pub. A few drinks, laughter and then…hold on, I’m trying to remember.

I looked into a pair of beautiful blue eyes. I remember feeling hypnotic. The fingers that caressed my face were soft, but icy cold.

The lips were like burning embers. My head was spinning like a car out of control on an icy road.

I looked again into the eyes of my lover. No longer a vivid blue, but a crimson red. The lips were stretched; the teeth looked like fangs, long and sharp.

I was carried to a room; placed gently on a bed.

I surrendered my heart to this stranger, and I offered my soul to this creature of the night.

I realize that it was just a passing in the night. I fell in love and I am being left here to die.

I can feel my life draining from my body, like someone pulled a plug.

I reach out my hand and try to grasp onto the reality, but they slip away from me as if to say, “I never existed.”

I force my body to sit up; I look out the window for a farewell glance. There is a full moon, beautiful in the sky. I cannot see my lovely stranger, only the wolf howling at the moon.


Scott said...

That puts a whole new meaning on hooking up with a "woofer."

Jim said...

Another vampire story! Something about that moon, I guess.

Scott, your comment made me laugh out loud. :)

Jaye Wells said...

I was confused because the last line made me question my assumption the lover was a vamp--was it a werewolf instead?

Joni said...

I love the line,

"life draining from my body, like someone pulled a plug."

I've felt that way, though my life wasn't literally getting sucked away. :D

anna said...

Scott LOL!!

nice bit of tension and flow in this piece. I'll be wary of those nice blue eyes the next time somebody offers to buy me a drink.

Jer said...

Everybody looks good at closing time.

Nice story. Jer

Bonnie Cehovet said...

The one line - "I felt hypnotic." - seemed a bit off, but the story did flow well.

robert rohloff said...

Good story. I thought it flowed nicely throughout.

anne frasier said...

scott and jer -- LOL!

i liked this. it's makes a great little morality tale. i can just imagine mothers telling it to their daughters. :D

k. lawson Gilbert said...

What a beautifully written work.

Also...Gives new rise to "beware of strangers."

Bofire said...

Thanks everyone for you comments. SHE was a werewolf.
I like reading all your stories. You guys are all really GREAT writers; beginners like me need a lot of constructive criticism and this is a good way of getting it.

Lisa said...

Dark tale that flowed well. Nice.

Linda said...

I LOVE vampire/werewolf stories.
Good writing.
Scott, you should win an award for "Best" comment.

Linda said...

I LOVE vampire/werewolf stories.
Good writing.
Scott, you should win an award for "Best" comment.

Bofire said...

I appreciate all the feed back and expecially when i get it twice (thanks Linda).
I am trying to keep up with all the stories and still have comments to write. This is fun!

Bhaswati said...

I feel for the narrator. Very nice ending.

fringes said...

Bofire, you're doing great on keeping up with the comments and stories! Thanks for the compliments on my blog and contest entry.

Beginners who appreciate constructive criticism will become better writers very soon.

That's too bad what happened to your narrator. Poor guy!

Nicholas Abbot said...

I like how you use the line "I force my body to sit up" to show that she is becoming detached, or is now relating to her body in a different way.

As opposed to "I forced *myself* to sit up", for instance.


The Wandering Author said...

A truly scary story, and only at the end was it obvious the "lover" was a werewolf and not a vampire. The idea of that moon as the last image a dying person sees is beautiful.

Flood said...

See, this is exactly why you should know someone for longer than a moon-cycle. And you should also carry around silver bullets.

Bofire said...

I want to thank Everyone that is taking the time to read my entry and leaving a little note.
There is a lot of encouragement here for beginners.

Miriam Cunha said...

Bofire, you really lit my fire of imagination with this story. For a beginner you really have the technique of writing down perfect.


jason evans said...

The last moment was especially vivid. Nicely painted.