Monday, December 04, 2006

White Rooms, Part 5 (Serial Fiction, Thriller)

(Just joining us? Go back to Part 1)

Day 9, 11:51 P.M.

      "Look at you! Look at the fat on you!"
      "Fat? What fat?" MT1023 said. "You are too tall! You should be on the bottom!"
      "Try again."
      "I have two broken ribs already!"
      "Nonsense. Bend down."
      "I can't lift you!"
      "Yes you can."
      "No, I can't."
      "Try one more time."
      "No."
      "One more time."
      "No!"
      "Once more."
      MT1023 fired his hands into the air. "Enough! Do it! Make sure you break my back this time."
      "Quiet. Be steady now. Put your hands on the wall."
      "You should worry about you."
      "Exactly. Now, you must not move. Put your hands on the wall."
      "Shut up and climb!"
      JT1023 shook his head. He gripped the smaller man's shoulder and raised a foot to his hip. He rocked once, twice, then propelled himself upward.
      MT1023 winced. A knee stabbed him in the center of the back. "Ow!"
      JT1023's hands slapped the wall. He jammed his other foot and pushed. With fingers splayed, he shot toward the bag of fruit.
      But MT1023 faltered, and he wasn't well prepared to recover. JT1023's foot slid down the sudden slope, and his body came down, thrashing. Elbows and heads collided.
      The impact swatted MT1023 to the floor.
      "Get off me! Get off my leg!"
      "Quiet!"
      "Get off!"
      "Great. My head is bleeding."
      MT1023 shoved. "You idiot! Off! Off!"
      JT1023 climbed out of the tangle. "Yes, definitely bleeding."
      "Good! Are any broken bones sticking out of my skin?"
      "You should have held onto the wall like I said."
      "You should've been on the bottom!"
      "If you hadn't moved, I would've reached it."
      MT1023 waved him away. "Just get out."
      "No. We have to try again."
      "I'd rather starve. Get the hell out."
      "Now, listen--"
      "No! You listen! I'm sick of you and your condescending bullshit. Just get out."
      JT1023 shrugged. He scraped himself off the floor and walked off. He climbed onto his own bed.
      Then, the lights cut. Total darkness punched them.
      "What's going on?" MT1023 called.
      "Shhh!"
      The room monitors flipped to infrared. Neither of the rainbow heat signatures moved.
      "Do you hear something?"
      JT1023 didn't answer.
      Minutes passed. MT1023 shriveled, pulled into himself.
      "Are you there?"
      "Of course I'm here," JT1023 said. "Where would I have gone?"

Day 10, 2:32 A.M.

      Behind MT1023, the bag of fruit released from the hook and thumped onto the floor.
      MT1023's head turned in the direction of the sound. From the other room, he heard JT1023's undisturbed breathing. Asleep.

Day 10, 2:45 A.M.

      MT1023 lifted the bag from the floor and returned to bed. He heaped it on his lap. The open end was scrunched in his fists, but he did not touch the food.

Day 10, 3:11 A.M.

      "Hey!"
      On the infrared monitor, JT1023 jumped up.
      "Do you hear me? Are you awake?" MT1023 said.
      "Yes, I hear you." He sounded groggy.
      "Come here."
      "No. I like it here just fine."
      "Really, you should come."
      "Why?"
      "Because I have something for you."
      "No you don't."
      JT1023 straightened.
      "Yes, I do. It fell off the wall."
      "What?"
      "Yes. It fell."
      JT1023 scurried off the bench and felt his way. He located the doorway quickly. "Where are you?"
      "Over here."
      JT1023's hands probed in front of him. "Damn, it's dark."
      "Keep coming. Right here."
      Fingers touched MT1023's shoulder. MT1023 guided them down to the bag.
      "Here."
      "I don't believe it," he whispered.
      "Enough talk," MT1023 said. "Eat!"
      JT1023's self-restraint splintered, and he dug, snatching something in each hand. MT023 followed.
      They smashed the fruit to their lips.
      On the infrared monitors, little drops of warmth fell from their chins and glowed on the floor.

Day 11, 4:42 P.M.

      MT1023 sat on the end of the bed. JT1023 reclined, crossing his legs to give him room.
      "That was the end for him. My brother died that night."
      JT1023 sighed. "Awful. It must have destroyed your family."
      "My father never walked tall again. His back was always bent. Like it was just too heavy for him."
      JT1023 nodded, although MT1023 couldn't see it. "I'm very sorry."
      MT1023 got up. "I'm going to use the toilet."
      "Okay."
      "I'm so exhausted by this dark," he sighed. "It makes it seem like everything's in my own head. Even you."
      "Yes."
      "If I didn't have you to talk to, I'd go insane."
      "I'm glad you're with me too," JT1023 said.
      "You know, I--"
      A sound erupted.
      Both men froze.
      It was a tremendous grating. Every scrape unfolded like landscapes vacated by their blinded eyes.
      Then, the lights flipped on. The horrendous glare incinerated a path directly to their brains. They howled and buried their faces.
      When MT1023 finally managed to squint, he didn't speak. JT1023's eyes battled into the brightness. He saw, and a sound jumped from his lips.
      A second doorway had opened.


On to Part 6.
Go back to Part 4.

12 comments:

Susan Abraham said...

Jason,
didn't realise how much I missed this story until just coming across it now.
Can't believe I'm saying this - considering the painful content but - it was like meeting with an old friend.
Sounding better all the time.
I'd give you an 'A' for pacing, timing & structure of your words. You seem to know just how to control your lines and make
each one matter.
Someone like me who finds such a theme difficult to read will recognise these elements right away. Because I swim across the words fast enough to escape the pain of the tale. Smooth & slick.

Steve said...

Jason, I find myself with a bit of overload. I know their conversation began in the previous chapter when they met, but in this chapter it's lots more. A big change from the first chapters.

anna said...

I have been waiting for this next episode and wasn't disappointed. I find myself having to backtrack to remember stuff. Hurry please

LiVEwiRe said...

They seem to be acknowledging more of a connection between them than they had earlier. Who they are is puzzling me but not so much as 'what's behind door #2!' FYI, I really enjoyed the wording here - The horrendous glare incinerated a path directly to their brains. - seemed to really focus on the intensity.

Anonymous said...

Hah! So the enemies have become friends. Sort of. I wonder how long it will last now that door #2 has opened?

Anonymous said...

hhhhmmm very interesting!

mermaid said...

A doorway to the past, to the future, and to the heart.

The fruit and the history of MT1023's brother's death is symbolic here.

jason evans said...

Susan, thanks so much for the feedback! :) I'm thinking now that this story was too much to attempt as a serial, but I'm going to finish anyway.

Steve, I appreciate you saying so. I'm trying to hold this monster together at this point. Thanks for giving it a fair chance. :)

Anna, I'm going to really try to move faster! I need to get this story into the home stretch.

Livewire, I'm trying to hit key highlights to suggest what is happening over long periods of time. I appreciate that it might be falling short. Thanks for sticking with it! :D

Terri, very astute, my friend. :)

Beady, I'm going to breathe a sigh of relief when this one is done, lol.

Mermaid, the fruit and the story of the brother represent core human experiences, hunger/need and grief/empathy.

anne said...

Ooh, quite the cliffhanger, there! :)

K Lawson Gilbert said...

Interesting dialogue and great pacing.

I feel the agony these two are going through.

angel said...

ooooerrr... it felt like i was there with them in the dark! very intense!

jason evans said...

Anne, you know I love the cliffhangers. :)

KLG, thanks for the feedback! :)

Angel, much appreciated. I think being in the dark like that with another voice would be a surreal and powerful experience.