Monday, July 30, 2007

Entry #37

The Truth
by Ann Ostrander


“If it hurts at all, just stop me,” Brian whispered. Even with the thick plaid blanket underneath us, the forest floor felt damp. He fumbled with the condom as I undressed.

We didn’t kiss or touch each other. I wasn’t comfortable with that. Weird, I know. Sex before any of the things my friends did first. Maybe it would come later.

“Are you all right?” Brian asked, positioning himself between my legs. I nodded, wishing I still wore a bra as his eyes darted in that direction.

“If it hurts…” he breathed, while fumbling between my legs, “Make sure to tell me.”

But it didn’t. I felt pressure and his hips pushing against mine. I waited for the pain my mother had told me about with her first time, but there was none. Just another lie to scare me … to keep me ‘pure.’ Mom. I couldn’t think of her now.

I opened my eyes and concentrated on a shaft of light penetrating the canopy. Brian groaned and shook. It’s over. I’m fourteen and it’s happened. He moved his mouth towards mine. I snapped my head to the side.

Still no kissing, Nessa?” he laughed. I smiled and kept my eyes on the light.

Three weeks later and Mom still doesn’t know. She always said she would, but that wasn’t true either. Every time she asks if I’m still being ‘chaste,’ I tell her, “Mom, I haven’t even made out with a boy yet.” At least I’m telling the truth.

24 comments:

Hoodie said...

Wow, the first story I wrote for this contest was also about a girl losing her virginity. Great minds, eh?

I'm happy to tell you yours is better than mine was.

Very nice.

Rob said...

This is great. I love how you used the light shining through the canopy to symbolize what was happening.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the comments. The idea of the virginity just kind of hit me. I'm glad it was appreciated. So far I'm loving reading the others.

Katherine Napier said...

This is a chilling view of just how far some children can go to validate their own actions. The pedestal she puts herself on above her lying mother is downright creepy when you consider her lack of depth of emotion. Great read.

Victor Bravo Monchego, Jr said...

Daring subject and a dash of vulnerability. That is a recipe for a good piece. Try this again with 500 words and work that dialogue. Good show!

Victor j. Banis said...

Did i miss the other virginity piece? This is a nice take on "young love."

SzélsőFa said...

Like Katherine N. said, I also noticed the contrast between the emotions the young girl has towards her Mom, lying AND the complete lack of emotion towards the boy she's with. It makes the story a bit sick, though well written.
I like how the elements of the forest represent the action and feelings that take place (dampness, penetration).

Ann Ostrander said...

Thank you again for all the comments. This is my favorite part of contests. I didn't realize how twisted it would seem for the teenager to look at her mother like this. I thought it was reality. And I think at 14, a girl just isn't ready to be emotionally "with" a boy... even if they're together physically. I was trying to drive that point home. Oh, there is no other virginity piece. Another person said they had one, but didn't submit it.

Hoodie said...

Victor, you didn't miss it. I wrote it and then submitted another one.

angel said...

teehee... i bet some moms may start thinking twice now... very cool!

Ann Ostrander said...

Angel, I'm a mom and my daughter never ceases to keep me on my toes. I remember what it was like to be her age though. Thanks for your comment.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

This is brilliant - nice interplay of personal emotional conflict - and the innocence of youth as it tries to make sense of adult life. Very well written and captured - and good voice.

Ann Ostrander said...

Thank you, absolute. You made me blush.

JLB said...

I can tell you put a lot of careful thought into your main character - it leaves a lot of room for the reader to meet her halfway. Very nice.

Ann Ostrander said...

JLB, thank you for noticing. Much appreciated.

Bernita said...

She strikes me as almost sociopathic.
Bleak.
But this is very well done.

Ann Ostrander said...

Bernita, very insightful. As all your comments seem to be.

briliantdonkey said...

Nice job. Kind of reminds me of a quote from seinfeld made by George who is tryingt to teach Jerry to beat the lie detector test. He says"It's NOT a lie if YOU believe it'.

Thanks for the read

BD

The Quoibler said...

As a writer, I really enjoyed this story. As a mommy, it scared the crap out of me! :)

Ann Ostrander said...

Briliantdonkey, yes, the story is partially based on my own daughter who has the Seinfeld idea of the truth, which I found common for kids her age.

the quoibler, thank you ... I think. lol

I really appreciate the comments. Best part of the contest for me... plus the reading.

Victor J. Banis said...

Ann,

congratulations on your win. This was some tough competition! Keep writing

ann aka beth said...

Victor, thank you so much. It certainly was and I certainly will!

Sarah Hina said...

Ann, you really nailed the voice on this one. Her heartbreaking passive-aggressiveness feels so authentic, and I can only be glad that my daughter is still only four years old. Beautiful attention to detail, too.

Congratulations on your win, and I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future.

Beth said...

Sarah, thank you for the comment. I wrote her and modeled her after my own daughter so the voice was rather easy. The motion was a different story.