Friday, November 09, 2007

Entry #16

Restless Dawn
by Szelsofa

The clock went off fifteen minutes before its due time for a school day. Sage needed time. She walked up to the window, as if in search.

Ragged, smudgy clouds overwhelmed the late autumn sky. Now where was the Sun? The light to peek into the new day and wash away those pink shreds?

Sage opened up her case and reached for a small, oblong paper box. Her hands trembled as she took out the description. She looked at the words again, for one last time.

Her mind did not perceive the phrases; words collided and jumbled; but she had read the text in the previous day to the effect of knowing it by heart.

Taking a long, deep breath, she let the white plastic slip into her pockets.

The knob on her door turned without a squeak.

Her parents have been up, but she sneaked into the bathroom without being heard.

What if Momma finds out what Baby’s up to, Sage wondered, almost managing a smile, but the mirror reflected a rather clumsy and tortured grin instead.

She lowered herself on the toilet, holding the cup she had prepared the night before in one hand. It was quite hard to suppress laughter. So she laughed some and then cried.

Minutes passed to no avail.

Finally there it was; her pee in the cup.

She fished her pocket for the plastic and immersed it into the warmth of the liquid.

Two more minutes for the Sun to be up.


Sarah Hina said...

Now that's a pivotal moment in a girl's life.

Some nice descriptions here. I like how you tied the sunrise to this momentous moment. Good work!

strugglingwriter said...

Interesting take. Good descriptions and writing. Nice work!

SzélsőFa said...

Sarah and Strugglingwriter,

I'm glad you liked my version.

Church Lady said...

Oh, this is quite different and unexpected! I love the timing with the sunrise.
Excellent writing. I read it several times.

The Quoibler said...

As usual, you are exceptionally clever! I love the way you create a totally unexpected scenario.

Very nice!

The Anti-Wife said...

Interesting twist. Well done.

SzélsőFa said...

Church Lady, Angelique, and The Anti-Wife,
thank you. Your notes warm my heart up.

Abhinav said...

A nice take that one... Your sentences lend completeness by being incomplete... Bravo!!!

sandra said...

I love how you left the ending open so it tied back to her uncertainties about her pregnancy and her life. Nicely done!

Beth said...

Reminds me of the virginity story I wrote because it makes me want to smack this girl up, just like the one I wrote about. lol Nice job, Szelsofa.

Bernita said...

Neat, clever, and suprising, Szelsofa.
Well done!

SzélsőFa said...

Abhinav, Sandra, Bernita,

your kind words surprise me and make me glad. Thank you.


I did not have your story in mind, but I see the similarity. I'm sort of glad my story had an effect on you :-

Kathleen said...

Good job, SzélsőFa. I had no idea where this was going until the end. I really liked your ending sentence.

desiderata said...


Arresting story telling, and slow me, I still wondered at some parts and need to come back to retrace the elements to digest (ingest?) properly. Well done.

SzélsőFa said...

Thank you Kathleen and Desiderata.
It seems that I have to make myself more clear in future pieces, haven't I?

mutleythedog said...

I wasn't expecting that at all- really a neat way to link in a big problem to a time of day and really cleverly done!

Hoodie said...

Szelsofa! I was engaged througout, and mesmerized by your graceful language. One of my favorites. I'm so impressed. Are you sure English isn't your first language?

Nothingman said...

strange, very strange...also gives me the chills somehow...well written indeed!


SzélsőFa said...

yes, that was somehow intentional, well that is what I think, at least. Thank you.
you're such a great pal. Thanks.
I've never thought of this as being strange...But anyway I'm glad you liked it.

raine said...

Oh, VERY well done. How easily you evoke sympathy for the girl.

Ello said...

Terrific job! You really had me all tied up with her emotions! Great writing.

SzélsőFa said...

Raine, Ello,

I am humbled.
Thank you.


Church Lady said...

Congratulations! I am so happy to see yours recognized-it was one of my favorites! :-)

Vesper said...

This is very good! Well written and very pleasant to read. Congratulations for your award!

SzélsőFa said...

Thank you Church Lady, and Vesper.
Your congratulations are much appreciated.

jason evans said...

I was very impressed with the pacing and the powerful human emotion portrayed. The opening and the end of the piece were also excellently executed.

Congratulations on the honorable mention!!

SzélsőFa said...

Thank you Jason!