Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Entry #2

Daybreak
by John Weagly


We used the sky to mark our time.

When the two of us went inside, the stars were at their deepest, filling the heavens with pinpricks of light. Now, as we came out, the sun was rising.

“This was…” I started.

“I know,” Janet said. “I… I’d stay longer, but…”

I smiled. “If you stay any longer I might never let you leave.”

She smiled back. I took her in my arms. I could still smell traces of her perfume from the night before. “Leave him,” I said.

She tried to pull away from me. I didn’t let her. She relaxed against my chest. “Tom, I love him.”

“You love me, too.”

“I do. But we’ve tried so many times. We fight. We hurt each other. It never works out.”

We started in high school and we’ve carried on since. Even her wedding three years ago didn’t stop us. Every few months her husband goes out of town and she comes back to me.

“We can try again,” I said.

“No. This is the best it can be for us, me on one side of town with my life, you here with yours. The distance is good for us. It makes us work.”

I knew she was right. I let her go. She got into her car and I watched her drive away. Something inside of me howled every time I watched her leave.

When I looked up at the sky for sympathy, the clouds looked back with red disdain.

12 comments:

Sarah Hina said...

I like your simple, effective dialogue. You managed to pack a lot of personal history within a very narrow frame.

That last line is biting, and superb. I think we've all had that sense before. Nicely done.

SzélsőFa said...

do the clouds reflect his own thoughts/conscience...? I wonder...

Josh said...

Sky mirrors the soul, perhaps? Strong dialogue here.

Church Lady said...

Nice vignette! I really like your last line.

Angela said...

Simple, somehow sweet, and oh so true to life.

Beth said...

I've never been in a situation such as this, but you've written it so well, I feel like I'm missing something. Very nice.

raine said...

You've captured the feeling of the situation very well.
Great last line.

Abhinav said...

I have read it once again now and it stands out for its simplicity. The sentence 'We used the sky to mark our time.' opens your story with elan. And the struggle conveyed through the dialogues is impressive. In short, love it...

Dottie said...

Like abhinav I'm reading this again and appreciating it more. It's difficult to write about an affair. Writers over compensate to make the characters seem sympathetic making the story flat and one dimensional. The simplicity in your character development keeps you away from that pitfall. Nice work.

Church Lady said...

Congratulations!
This was a quiet winner. The last couple of lines really pull it all together!

jason evans said...

Something about the opening description was very powerful and meaningful. I can hear the fatigue in her voice. A potent moment.

Congratulations on the honorable mention!

Veggies.... said...

This is a story that is easy to relate to, whether we've actually lived out this scenario or not. The choices we make along the way, regrets, missed opportunities,wanting more.

Great story, I'd give this one top marks.