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by Lucian J. Janik
“What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?”
Three strangers meet at the bottom of the hill. At the top of the hill is a solitary, leafless tree.
“I am Paulo. I saw that tree in a dream. Spanish gold coins are buried beneath it. Finding this treasure is my personal folklore.”
“That cannot be true,” says Olivia. “I was praying the Rosary and I heard the voice of Mary. She told me to come to the tree so that she could reveal her mysteries to me. I think it has something to do with the Pope.”
Paulo and Olivia look at the third stranger, an unshaven man who smells like cigarettes.
“I heard there was a swingers party here,” says Larry.
“The treasure is mine!” yells Paulo and he darts up the hill.
“Unbelievers will interrupt the visitation!” Olivia screams and chases Paulo.
Larry lumbers up after the two.
The three strangers find a bald man sitting against the tree, typing on his laptop. “Congratulations, you found me,” says the typing man without looking up.
“Are you here for the swingers party?” Larry asks.
“What have you done with my treasure?” accuses Paulo.
“There’s nothing here but me. No treasure, no Marian apparition, no sex party. I know I’m not exactly what you are looking for, but I have a lot of interesting things to share.”
Paulo looks at Olivia. “Maybe it’s on the next hill.”
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Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
Listening for the words in a quiet corner of the night. The fiction, poetry, and photography of Jason Evans.
About Me
- Aine
- Collaborator and night owl.
Past Contests
- "Elemental" Short Fiction Contest
- "Uncovered" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silhouette" Short Fiction Contest
- "In Vino Veritas" Short Fiction Contest
- "Ascension" Short Fiction Contest
- "Running Wind" Short Fiction Contest
- "Whispers" Short Fiction Contest
- "Restless Dawn" Short Fiction Contest
- "Halo" Short Fiction Contest
- "Endless Hour" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silent Grey" Short Fiction Contest
- "Lonely Moon" Short Fiction Contest (with Anne Frasier)
- "Midnight Road" Short Fiction Contest
- "Two Lights" Short Fiction Contest
The Official Compilation!
Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
Categories
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- experimental (8)
- movie (7)
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- INTP (6)
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- photography (5)
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- Clarity Notice (1)
- emotion study (1)
Visitors
~clausum~
26 comments:
LOL!!!!! What a great ending.
Geraldine
Yes, LOL. The final line is perfect. This vaults into my top five.
Brilliant! I'm still smiling five minutes later.... Cheers Lucian!
Oh my gosh, freaking hysterical. REALLY REALLy funny. I actually did laugh out loud.
Very funny stuff. :)
I was expecting a parable or something, and then you introduced the swinger element! Too funny. :)
This piece was a lot of fun to read. Very sharp writing, and a brilliant ending. Good job!
What a clever piece of humor. I enjoyed it very much.
This left me giggling! Very funny! LOL, I hope this wins some kind of award. It's nice to read a humorous one in the midst of all the serious ones (mine included!)
This is a brilliant piece of writing. Writing in the present tense creates an entirely different "feel" to the piece.
There might be multiple takes on what this story is about, but I'm reminded of something similar which I wrote several years ago about a young boy who finds an old man sitting at the base of the tree. I'm intrigued to know what your bald man has to share - it's sad that the three strangers rush off without hearing his words.
Intriguing piece - and very well handled - says a lot about the human condition.
This is fantastic. Nice to see some humour mixed in here. Good job!
Surreal and amusing...but I'm note quite sure I understand it really. Does he have a laptop that controls dreams and visions?
I hate to explain my writing because I enjoy hearing other people's interpretation, but ...
The bald man is me (or any other person who shares his or her writing on the web). The three people are readers who find my web site through a search engine.
If you ever look at your web site metrics you can see the search terms that were used to find your site. Many of the search queries are quite bizarre and funny.
I feel like telling these searchers, "No, I don't have any stories about bondage or S&M, but there are other stories that you might enjoy."
The problem with Google is that it really can't tell that you are writing fiction.
And the character Paulo is me making fun of The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.
There. I ruined everything ;)
Lucian - that was absolutely brilliant writing! What else can I add that hasn't been said already? I love that you added the little explanation here - BOL - I was just thinking of making a post on my own blog telling Google searchers looking for porn that they would be sorely disappointed...
I found it also funny. And I don't mind Lucian's 'spoiling' it for us. His words just added some other nice touch to it. Great job!
Lucian,
A snap shot of humans;
If you aint got what I want, I don't want what you got.
P.S. You wouldn't believe what people look for Under the Microscope. ;)
rel
A little tongue in cheek commentary. Underplayed and clever. Very nice.
This is really cool - I really like your playful approach and tone for this work. Wonderful use of the internet in your story.
Very clever! And I love your explanation here in the comments of who the characters represent!
We may not have seen what you saw when you wrote it, but it entertained us! My mind raced around to who the bald man might be... and I did not assume that all three would leave immediately, not even Paulo, though it sure sounded like he was not interested in anything other than his treasure!
Well, I figured the bald man was god. Too funny. Interpretations aside, the writing is amazing; sharp and spot-on, with great movement. Wonderful!
You know I've been amazed by the incredible writing in this competition but I was starting to get heartache from all the sadness so thank you so much for writing this fabulous piece and making me hoot out loud.
I love it!
I love this one! Great premise, and you delivered a very satisfying ending.
I love the swingers party guy in particular, Lucien. His characterization seems particularly rich, the cigarette smell, the gait, even what is NOT said (his response to finding the writer is not remarked upon).
Loved it, and thank you for the morning smile. :)
Great ending! So inventive. He knows how to interest each. I wonder if they must work together in the end. Very creative. High marks!
I'm glad you gave an explanation because it added to my enjoyment!
What a unique take on the tree photo. I think we've all been graced by a visit from Larry! LOL and I agree with the others-- the last line is perfect. It's a shame that most people are so focused on their search that they don't appreciate what they've found.
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