Sunday, July 13, 2008

Entry #18

Speed
by Ello


“She’s only got 75 miles on her, barely used,” the salesman said.

Sam lusted over the sleek powerful lines of the black Kawasaki 2000 Vulcan. He didn’t care that his wife would kill him, calling this his midlife crisis.

The salesman smiled at him.

“Care to take her for a spin?”

Sam rode out of the dealership. He didn’t notice the incongruity of his plaid golfing pants and pink collared polo shirt against her dark coolness. He felt only the power of the hungry motor rising up in a heat wave, enveloping him with a purr that spoke to him of speed. Faster, faster, she said to him. Faster and faster he went. Take this exit, the sultry voice told him. Turn here.

Was he in control or was she? He no longer knew nor cared. The road before him curved and dipped as she hugged the road with fierce possession.

Too fast! He tried to slow down, but she went faster. The road rose higher as she took him up a mountainside, the darkening horizon no more than a blur. He slammed frantically against the brakes. Please stop! He pleaded. I’ll do anything! He screamed. Ahead, the road banked sharply as she came to an abrupt halt. Sam flew off, over the handlebars, into a freefalling nothingness. He felt only relief that he had stopped before he crashed into the rocks below.

“She’s only got 150 miles on her, barely used,” the salesman said, his smile wide with anticipation.

35 comments:

Lena said...

amazing! it holds the reader in constant pressure and waiting of what comes next and then the end is really amazing. Makes one understand and even smile :)

Loved it!

Beth said...

Reminds me of Christine, which I really loved. Great ending line.

Charles Gramlich said...

Now there's one I never would have thought of, a serial killing motorcycle. Very cool.

wrath999 said...

Unique and great tale.

Sarah Hina said...

Fantastic, Ello! His ego was consumed by the machine's. What a little vixen she is. ;)

This is really great writing. Sleek and well paced--matched the energy of the bike well. And that last line is a wry, cheeky killer.

Great interpretation!! One of my favorites, for sure.

JaneyV said...

Oh Ello you never disappoint! A possessed psycho-bike - LOVE. IT.

I agree totally with Sara - the pacing is pitch perfect.
The ending is a joy.

A small little lesson here for all those approaching a mid-life crisis methinks!

kgilbert said...

ohhh...never trust a sultry voice telling you to go faster!

I found myself racing along as well, anxious to find out what would happen next.

Like your writing style.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Oooh that nasty salesman!It was a total turn of events there.

Very well narrated :)

Wannabe Writer said...

Disturbing, fast paced tale. I became a little lost at end when I was thrown back with the salesman, but then I re-read it. -Rita

24crayons said...

That was fun! I felt taken for a ride!

Aerin said...

Fantastic, E. Really, really, really great.

J.C. Montgomery said...

Makes you re-think about the power of a mid-life crisis and the cost of listening to its "sultry" whispers.

Excellent story!

Sheri said...

Woo-ha-ha-ha-haaaa (That's my evil laugh...) That was like Stephen King meets... Ello. Very "gripping."

preTzel said...

I thought he was going to wake up and his wife would be the one whispering in his ear "Faster dear, faster...the garbage man is coming." :D Excellent E, as always.

flash-writer said...

Good setup. Good ending. Fun read. Now I know Chuckie has a relative in the form of a female motorcycle. A few superflous descriptions. One is what he was wearing. Nevertheless, a fast-moving, very entertaining read.

Bernita said...

Perfect ending, Ello!
~ and a smooth ride!~

BernardL said...

Scary ride. :)

The Anti-Wife said...

Ooooh. A psychotic motorcycle. Very cool. That man deserved to be killed for wearing an outfit like that.

SzélsőFa said...

A very yummy take, Ello.
*licks fingers*

Jaye Wells said...

Look out, Stephen King! Great job, Ello!

Scott said...

This has the feel of a Twilight Zone!

strugglingwriter said...

Very good Ello. For a moment there, I thought this could be read another way *blush*

Anyhow, good tension building and a good story!

Ello said...

Hey Thanks to everyone for their comments! Very much appreciated! I don't know if this came through but the salesman is supposed to be a collector of souls that he gets through the motorcycle. Someone mentioned a superfluous clothing description but I actually wanted to show that the allure of the bike went beyond all types.

Anyway, thanks again for reading!

September said...

Sell that cycle no matter what (including what tragedy it might have caused)....you brought out the persistence of the used car salesman. (my apologies to any who may be)....

Good job writing.

laughingwolf said...

superb, ello, just superb

angel said...

simply superb! i got chills up my spine!!!

ooh, btw, my dad's got a metallic blue vulcan...
:D

raine said...

Damn I like this, lol.
DEFINITELY Twilight Zonish--I can see Serling smoking in the salesman's showroom.

Dottie said...

I agree with many of the other comments. I also like the Christine/Twilight Zone feel, but what really makes it work is how you snap back to the salesman at the end. The abrupt transition really works well.

c.s. said...

the spooks give me the thrill here. thanks for a hugely enjoyable read!

Vesper said...

she hugged the road with fierce possession

Great story, Ello! I loved it!

charleneteglia said...

Rod Serling wants you! Loved this.

Posolxstvo I said...

I once wrote a short screenplay about a similarly homocidal mountain bike. Yours is much better.

ChrisEldin said...

I thought I commented on this, but I must've been called away by kids or something.

Really loved this one, Ello. Great suspense and pacing!! Tightly written. Well done!!!

jason evans said...

Whoa. Maybe he needs to rethink the mental test drives. Loved the menacing end. Good pacing and storytelling.

Aine said...

Ack! Killer motorcycle! This was great!

I want to know if the bike feeds off the thoughts of each rider, giving them what they want, then taking their desires to the extreme. And what does the salesman do with these souls that he has collected?

LOL to janeyv's comment-- a chilling warning about midlife crises!