Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Reading Rainbow

My friends, I find I must return to the subject of work bathroom behavior.

Sorry to subject you to this, but you all being my peeps, I know I can count on you for a fair, um, shake.

Here's the situation for today.

Imagine you're in your office (not urine your office), reclining back, about to enjoy the newspaper.

You crack open the daily. Enjoy the crinkle of recycled paper. The color-fast ink that's not bleeding onto your fingers.

But wait.

You stop.

Something's not right.

Yes. Yes. I know what you're thinking!

How can I enjoy this paper without the aroma of sh!t??

From my coworkers, to be precise.

So you pick yourself up and head to the bathroom, where you proceed to sit on the can for 25 minutes in the hope that someone will join you and provide that coveted, sensory soup. Fine words. Fine stationary. And fine fragrances.

Now, I certainly understand folks who like to catch up on a few magazines, crossword puzzles, or classical French literature on the toilet at home. It's just you and your emissions, after all. God's in his heaven, and all is right with the world.

But why would anyone choose group defecation to propel their reading experience to unseen heights?

If you're like me, you're kind of hoping that the bathroom will be empty. Get in, get out, before another set of footsteps stroll in. Totally toilet ninja.

But then, alas, you find feet in the nearby stall.

And even more galling, complete silence.

You settle in. Get all the necessary equipment primed and ready.... Then you hear the newspaper page turn.

It all becomes clear.

This person was waiting for you!

Oh, sweet sweet happiness! Smiles and tickles for all!!

By all means, oblige, my friend. Forget the pregnant silence. Let it fly and deliver mysterious and mellifluous gifts.

It's all in the giving, my friends. Listen to those joy pages turn.*


(*We at The Clarity of Night apologize for the shameless sarcasm in this piece and would like to express the sincere hope that in the matter of workplace bathrooms, someday will we see the spirit of the anal retentives come together with the party poopers in fresh, pine-scented compromise.)

18 comments:

Aggie said...

It must be a male thing ... I never read my paper in the bog. Rather I prefer to read it at morning tea time as an excuse to put it up and rustle it against the boring old farts that frequent the staff room. Lol!!!

Selma said...

This is too funny. I couldn't bear having to go knowing someone was sitting in the stall next to me reading the paper and listening to my every move. I'd rather hold on all day. LOL.

paisley said...

whoa.... i am so hoping this is a guy thing.......

The Grocer said...

"Toilet Ninja" so much inspiration, I want to use this tell me I can, please. The 21st Century Adventures of a Toilet Ninja.... quick I need a notebook.
This needs to be the next short fiction contest, find a picture of a ninja on the toilet pleeese.

Sarah Hina said...

Huh. Where's the picture for this one? ;)

I think you should feel honored, Jason. He just wanted to share. And I love toilet ninja!! My strategery, exactly.

(I totally read this on the toilet, btw ;)).

Posolxstvo I said...

In my workspace we have a strict "No Double Dumping" policy in effect. There are two stalls, and the second may only be used for defecation if the first is being used as a changing room or someone going number 1.

If stall 1 is occupied for what it was originally intended, the person needing the second must wait.

If things are REALLY urgent, the rules can be bent, but there had better be a real urgency there, not just slight discomfort.

Oh, and through the magic of iPhones, I *COULD HAVE* written this comment while Takin' Care of Business... But I didn't.

Charles Gramlich said...

I always keep a book handy at home, but I don't typically read in the lou at work. Get it and get out.

Vesper said...

I'm a toilet ninja - totally.

Thanks for the great laugh, Jason!

I could feel the crisp newspaper from your words... I'm glad you didn't get into details with the mysterious and mellifluous gifts...

:-) :-) :-)

Hoodie said...

Two words.

Thank you.

Kaycie said...

Ha.

The thing I never, ever, ever miss about being a stay at home mom: the company bathroom. Ewww.

Jaye Wells said...

No coughing or clearing of the throat will defeat the toilet ninja.

I had a boss who, like clockwork, would head to the john with a paper folded under his arm every morning around 10am. He worked in an office full of women, so he no doubt relished his alone time.

ChrisEldin said...

AHHAHAHAHAH! My husband has an elaborate ritual. Wish I could talk about it. But I just wonder who toilet-trained him as a toddler....
You and Moonrat are channeling each other. Go see her post!
:-)

A.Decker said...

Ha!Ha!Ha! Ladies, if it's a guy thing, I must not be one. But it's still funnier 'n' sh#t!

jason evans said...

Aggie, old fart repellent...yes, a paper is much better put to use that way.

Selma, yeah, it's more than a little freaky.

Paisley, seems like it.

The Grocer, hey, you might be onto something there! Maybe a humor photo would be nice for a contest for a change....

Sarah, I almost posted a picture. But I spared you. (Or, butt, I spared you.) LOL at your comment about your blogging platform!! :D

Posolxstvo, God, I wish we had that policy. I follow it implicitly, of course. But alas, many do not.

Charles, amen, brother. No dallying at work. Just too weird.

Vesper, ha! Yeah, I didn't want to get too descriptive with those ending moments.

Hoodie, sounds like you needed a laugh, perhaps. :)

Kaycie, we have two urinals tucked right up next to each other. Good times....

Jaye, I'm still troubled. Toilets are a dubious sanctuary.

Chris, oooo, now I'm intrigued! The imagination is running wild. :D

A.Decker, I'm with you. These dudes are bringing down the gender.

JaneyV said...

Too funny Jason. The male number two trip is a mysterious thing! I will never understand reading in the bog. I'm a poop and get off the potty person. Hey I'm a toilet ninja!

The Grocer said...

It seems there are so many Toilet Ninjas out there we could almost start a new sect.

Chumplet - Sandra Cormier said...

Our bathroom has an Ikea catalogue.

At the office, when Larry heads for the can with his newspaper under his arm, we all run for cover.

Oh - and don't underestimate the beauty of a laptop. Just don't let it fall in the bathtub.

Aniket Thakkar said...

Well... I have to admit I am a toilet Ninja... Every time I open those doors I wish no one's in there!!! :-D (Fart = Fine Art :) )