Squaring Up
by Aerin Rose
“I need boxers,” I say to my mother hopefully. Mostly Sean gets everything new, and I get passed-down jeans with ripped pockets and shirts with armpit stains. I draw the line at underwear.
“We’ll see if anything’s on sale after I look at ties.” She heads off.
That was easy. Mom must be in a sentimental mood. UNLV’s been courting Sean with a full basketball scholarship since he won the championship last year. There’s just the formality of the interview, which is why we’re at the mall after practice, buying suits we can’t afford.
On the thinly carpeted floors in the hallway of the men’s dressing room, I stretch out my legs, turn up the volume on the iPod I worked all summer to buy. Ten minutes later, I peer under the cheap particleboard partitions to see if Sean’s done. My brother’s sitting, still in his own clothes, staring at a piece of paper.
“Sean? What’s up?” He doesn’t stop me when I open the door, reach down to grab the note.
The words stay low, stuck in his throat. “I’m off the team. Coach said it’s lucky I’m not expelled.” I tower over him. I’d kept his secret, but now. He’s in deep.
“Tell Mom I’m going to look at boxers.” I drop the paper.
I trip out of the dressing room, walk down the hall, through the men’s department, onto the escalator, up, high, higher.
(Aerin is a mom, a theologian, and a Facebook addict. Come join the 2009 Writing Challenge!)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
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34 comments:
This story hits home in many ways as my son plays basketball and I live in NV. LOL
I love how you've grabbed my attention from the get go, keeping it with a well flowing story, and the ending. Just open ended enough to let my imagination fill in the blanks. (and want more...hehe)
Well done.
nicely done, aerin :D
I like how you set this up around a dressing room and end it with the narrator's discovery.
Nicely done! I was totally hooked.
Aerin, I'm glad you entered the contest. I think it's so tricky to develop three characters in such a short space, but you've done it so well and still created a fully developed story. Nice work.
Doesn't this just capture the torture of siblinghood? Really nice.
This was good. I felt like I was watching a scene in a movie - good job. You captured emotions well.
it is amazing how just in 250 words you showed one entire scene, expressed emotions and feelings and kept the readers glued to your story.
Beautiful!
You have brought out the emotions of the protagonist so well!Good one :)
Lot's of detail and "clarity" in so short a space. Really hooked into the younger brothers' character.
I enjoyed this from start to finish..great characterization.
I can totally feel this. The family can't afford to buy anything, and yet here is the mother buying a suit that is basically no longer needed. Ouch.
Great characters, so well emphasized in so little words. I can just visualize the two brothers and their Mother. Well done...
Very well written. I like this a lot. I really like the narrator.
This was a very good scene. I wonder what the brother did?
Paul (entry 26)
You had me right from the start and craving more at the end. :)
Yes-- just where are those boxers?... Oh, the tension. I don't blame him for dashing out of there!
Do you know what I love most about your writing? (besides, like, everything?) it's the interaction between siblings. You write family dialogue so beautifully. With heart and realism.
This piece has everything; strong narrative, excellent dialogue, tension, dashed expectations. All in 250 or less? Girl you are goooood!
Ditto on how well you've captured the dynamics between siblings. Great story!
jana
Nicely done Aerin... I kinda like wearing my bro's old shirts... Maybe coz I admired him on everything he did... still do!! Thanks for an excellent read!
I love the ending -- going up, up, up, I'm sure!
Sad, but very nice. Love the pace and the truthfulness.
Relationships between brothers are often difficult and riddled with tension. Nice job of portraying this, although I'm dying to know Sean's wrong doing now. :-)
Yes, brothers are very much like that. I am going to send a cheque to my younger brother right now for always having to use my passed-down clothes & school-books :).
Hey Aerin, I only want to say "right back at ya." Use your own words from your comment on my piece. This has strength, tragedy, hope, despair. Very good.
@ aerin... nicely done...
Aerin, you made me smile with your first paragraph, and then the story just kept getting better. I can tell you've been at this writing thing for awhile! I wish you would develop this story. I'm sure it would be a great read. Well done.
Riveting work, Aerin. The pain of the narrator's resentment, and the troubled relationship between the boys, felt very authentic. This was understated, but infinitely complex in the emotions at play. I felt a hollow pang of true life when it was done. Poignant last sentence, too.
Wonderful work, as always. I always look forward to your entries! :)
I loved your piece, Aerin. The characters felt very real to me. Well done!
Great job, Aerin.
Your true characters hook the reader. How painful yet promising this situation can be...
Just like what everyone said, this is a very good piece. The interaction between the siblings feel very real. :D
I love the feeling of ascension you've created at the end. I can feel it. Well done!
Nicely done, Aerin. It was a good read :)
You have some really great things going on in this story. Congratulations on placing so well amongst so many talented writers.
Congratulations on the honorable mention!
Great job with pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!
Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.
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