Thursday, January 08, 2009

Entry #28

Shafted
by Laughingwolf


The day begins like every other, lately... a warm beer, couple of tokes, top-of-the-lungs bitch session with the old lady.

About, what else? Money. Rather, lack of.

After shaking it hard, post a long piss, I tuck it back into my pants, fart, zip up, and leave by the side door.

"Money you want?" I mutter, then dig out the old Smith and Wesson .38 from behind the seat in the rusty pickup, tuck it into my belt under the broad shirttail.

I walk uptown, toward the subway, knowing there's always some old lady there I can swipe a handbag from.

I spot her quickly, cat walk behind her, grab the strap, and start my getaway run.

But she turns out to be tough as a pit bull, clamps onto it with a death grip and begins to scream!

Heads in the crowd turn, and one dude decides to play hero, advances on me.

Shit!

Now she's beating on me with a tiny fist, and hero runs at me.

Without thinking, I pop her with the butt of the gun, snatch the bag, raise the black barrel at hero, and fire.

In my mad rush to escape, I slam into a woman with a kid in a stroller, send them over the side into the path of a train.

Shaking, sweating, I run up the down escalator, look back, no pursuit, step off -- and into oblivion... thirty feet down the open repair shaft.

58 comments:

Geraldine said...

Very descriptive and gripping lines here. You've captured the essence of the encounter very well.The raw,gritty words are perfectly chosen for this story.

www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com

laughingwolf said...

geraldine, thank you :)

Lena said...

really well done :)
liked the words use here, and the whole action. Really gripping.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Liked the action here!He got what he deserved,the way it should be :)

laughingwolf said...

lena and sameera, thank you :)

harshad said...

cool! nice and 'pacey'!

peggy said...

hey thats a sure fire, fast paced story, got his comuppence! Great one!!

Kim said...

oops! Served him right though. Thank god for heroes. Good job.

sawan said...

wow! very descriptive!luvd it Laughingwolf.

Aerin said...

Wolfie! I loved it! I mean, loved in the sense that one of my blogging buddy friends wrote a GREAT entry, not loved it in the sense of wow, what a handsome and noble protagonist. A lot done with such an economy of words.

wrath999 said...

Not expecting the ending. Great twist. Enjoyable read. Very visual

Ruinwen said...

Loved the rawness and grit of the character. A gripping read to the very end. :)

Victor Bravo Monchego, Jr said...

The cadence is great. There is a nice rhythm and a fitting end. Reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.

Aniket Thakkar said...

Wow,,, you managed to pull off a Hitchcock there! That too in just 250 words...Superb!

Antriksh Satyarthi said...

that's a great piece mate..
the twist in the end is actually quite awesome..icing on the cake..

Leatherdykeuk said...

Sweet ending :)

laughingwolf said...

harshad, peggy, kim, sawan, aerin, wrath, ruinwen, victor, aniket, antriksh, and leatherdykeuk... thank you all :)

Sarah Hina said...

I liked the fast pacing, and the smart-ass voice here, Laughingwolf. It was a quick, exciting read! :)

His ascension was short-lived...great title, too!

laughingwolf said...

thx sarah, appreciate your comments :)

JaneyV said...

Oh the avalanche effect where one stupid decision cascades into chaos and disaster. I love the way your voice kept pace with it. Well done Wolfie!

BernardL said...

Yikes, that was one gritty piece. What a ride.

Vesper said...

Oops! :-)

A great story, LW! And very nicely written, with the right amount of irony and with a perfect pacing - my heart was racing along... you! Well done! :-)

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

you packed a punch in a minimum of words - good read!

laughingwolf said...

janey, bernard, v, and klg... thank you, much appreciated :D

JR's Thumbprints said...

No crime is ever easy. But it certainly isn't his fault. If his old lady would've left him alone, none of this would've happened.

Chris Eldin said...

Wow! A complete story (plot, character description) with a minimum of words! I loved the pacing!!
This is really well done. And the ending is to die for.
:-)

Ello said...

You know I'm tempted to count and make sure it's 250 cause you packed so much description, pacing and excitement there and managed to give me a real satisfying ending. I thought that was brilliant!

jason evans said...

Note from your host: Have no fear, Ello. I do a word count on every entry. :) Those who have been one or two words over know all to well. ;)

laughingwolf said...

jr, chris, ello, and jason... thank you

if i counted correctly, the word count is 243... counting hyphenated words as one ;) lol

ceedy said...

Very descriptive....well written

laughingwolf said...

ceedy, thank you :)

RiverSoul said...

Loved this one. Very well written, laughingwolf
:)
Love your writing style.
:)

SzélsőFa said...

Excellent characterization - including, but not limited to his talking while taking a piss. What a surprise beginning, a well paced sequence of events that get faster and faster as the story goes on - and an even faster ending.
One of my favourites.

Kunjal said...

wow!!this is excellent and that too managed within 250 words:)

LV said...

the surprise element is killing :-)

pjd said...

Isn't tragedy always caused by the greed of woman? Sheesh.

laughingwolf said...

river soul, szelosfa, kunkal, lv and pjd... thank you

Tiffany said...

Great twist at the end. You really set the scene with word choice and great description. Nice!

David Cranmer said...

Well written... Hardcore as hell!

Amrita Bhatia said...

Very well written.... It has a raw feel to it, which adds to the beauty.

Good Work :)

McKoala said...

Great, gritty kick-off into a great slice of action. He totally deserved that shaft (see the pun there...)!

laughingwolf said...

tiffany, david, amrita and mc... thank you

...yes mc, sweet pun :O lol

Prashant Dhanke said...

Shafted :). You really are a wicked wolf.:). And a very good story-teller .

laughingwolf said...

lol... thx prashant, i try ;)

Catvibe said...

I love an ending where I laugh outloud. He certainly had it coming didn't he? Wonderful writing, lots of action, instant kharma. A delight to read.

Aniket Thakkar said...

I have written a spoof story of sorts on Ascension.... do read it when you get time! http://foolishnessofthings.blogspot.com/2009/01/fyeo-ascension-revisited.html

You are a character in it as well! :-D

Margaret said...

WOW! Reading this was like being on a fast train. Loved the fast pacing, the excitment and the unexpected ending...Almost felt sorry for the poor guy.

Brilliant....

bluesugarpoet said...

Oh you dirty dog - that was something else! A gripping read from start to finish, and what a finish THAT was! Fabulous characterization; he even managed to take a mom and tot with him on the way down. Excellent writing!

jana

Jimmie Vee said...

Hey Wolf,

I like the staccato feel of this - it comes at you in rhythm. Should've known that starting off your day with a warm beer is never a good sign. Good work.

Terry said...

What an opening paragraph! Fearless and gritty writing in this piece. I wonder if things might have been different if he'd started the day with a frosty brew. I feel a bit sorry for him.

September said...

The character was horrible but the writing was great. The surprise ending was great. (doesn't make the other things better, but good to see he didn't get away with it.)

Senorita said...

very stylish...loved this one :)

laughingwolf said...

cat, aniket, margaret, jana, jimmie, terry, september, and senorita, thank you all very much, really appreciate it :D

Linda said...

Great pacing, rhythm, and lean mean storytelling. Loved the ending.

laughingwolf said...

linda, thank you for your kind comment :)

Terry said...

This story was brave! Congratulations on placing so well!

jason evans said...

Congratulations on the honorable mention!

Great job on pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.

laughingwolf said...

terry, thank you

jason, it was fun... and thank you for the opportunity to participate

look forward to your next one...