Shafted
by Laughingwolf
The day begins like every other, lately... a warm beer, couple of tokes, top-of-the-lungs bitch session with the old lady.
About, what else? Money. Rather, lack of.
After shaking it hard, post a long piss, I tuck it back into my pants, fart, zip up, and leave by the side door.
"Money you want?" I mutter, then dig out the old Smith and Wesson .38 from behind the seat in the rusty pickup, tuck it into my belt under the broad shirttail.
I walk uptown, toward the subway, knowing there's always some old lady there I can swipe a handbag from.
I spot her quickly, cat walk behind her, grab the strap, and start my getaway run.
But she turns out to be tough as a pit bull, clamps onto it with a death grip and begins to scream!
Heads in the crowd turn, and one dude decides to play hero, advances on me.
Shit!
Now she's beating on me with a tiny fist, and hero runs at me.
Without thinking, I pop her with the butt of the gun, snatch the bag, raise the black barrel at hero, and fire.
In my mad rush to escape, I slam into a woman with a kid in a stroller, send them over the side into the path of a train.
Shaking, sweating, I run up the down escalator, look back, no pursuit, step off -- and into oblivion... thirty feet down the open repair shaft.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
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58 comments:
Very descriptive and gripping lines here. You've captured the essence of the encounter very well.The raw,gritty words are perfectly chosen for this story.
www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com
geraldine, thank you :)
really well done :)
liked the words use here, and the whole action. Really gripping.
Liked the action here!He got what he deserved,the way it should be :)
lena and sameera, thank you :)
cool! nice and 'pacey'!
hey thats a sure fire, fast paced story, got his comuppence! Great one!!
oops! Served him right though. Thank god for heroes. Good job.
wow! very descriptive!luvd it Laughingwolf.
Wolfie! I loved it! I mean, loved in the sense that one of my blogging buddy friends wrote a GREAT entry, not loved it in the sense of wow, what a handsome and noble protagonist. A lot done with such an economy of words.
Not expecting the ending. Great twist. Enjoyable read. Very visual
Loved the rawness and grit of the character. A gripping read to the very end. :)
The cadence is great. There is a nice rhythm and a fitting end. Reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.
Wow,,, you managed to pull off a Hitchcock there! That too in just 250 words...Superb!
that's a great piece mate..
the twist in the end is actually quite awesome..icing on the cake..
Sweet ending :)
harshad, peggy, kim, sawan, aerin, wrath, ruinwen, victor, aniket, antriksh, and leatherdykeuk... thank you all :)
I liked the fast pacing, and the smart-ass voice here, Laughingwolf. It was a quick, exciting read! :)
His ascension was short-lived...great title, too!
thx sarah, appreciate your comments :)
Oh the avalanche effect where one stupid decision cascades into chaos and disaster. I love the way your voice kept pace with it. Well done Wolfie!
Yikes, that was one gritty piece. What a ride.
Oops! :-)
A great story, LW! And very nicely written, with the right amount of irony and with a perfect pacing - my heart was racing along... you! Well done! :-)
you packed a punch in a minimum of words - good read!
janey, bernard, v, and klg... thank you, much appreciated :D
No crime is ever easy. But it certainly isn't his fault. If his old lady would've left him alone, none of this would've happened.
Wow! A complete story (plot, character description) with a minimum of words! I loved the pacing!!
This is really well done. And the ending is to die for.
:-)
You know I'm tempted to count and make sure it's 250 cause you packed so much description, pacing and excitement there and managed to give me a real satisfying ending. I thought that was brilliant!
Note from your host: Have no fear, Ello. I do a word count on every entry. :) Those who have been one or two words over know all to well. ;)
jr, chris, ello, and jason... thank you
if i counted correctly, the word count is 243... counting hyphenated words as one ;) lol
Very descriptive....well written
ceedy, thank you :)
Loved this one. Very well written, laughingwolf
:)
Love your writing style.
:)
Excellent characterization - including, but not limited to his talking while taking a piss. What a surprise beginning, a well paced sequence of events that get faster and faster as the story goes on - and an even faster ending.
One of my favourites.
wow!!this is excellent and that too managed within 250 words:)
the surprise element is killing :-)
Isn't tragedy always caused by the greed of woman? Sheesh.
river soul, szelosfa, kunkal, lv and pjd... thank you
Great twist at the end. You really set the scene with word choice and great description. Nice!
Well written... Hardcore as hell!
Very well written.... It has a raw feel to it, which adds to the beauty.
Good Work :)
Great, gritty kick-off into a great slice of action. He totally deserved that shaft (see the pun there...)!
tiffany, david, amrita and mc... thank you
...yes mc, sweet pun :O lol
Shafted :). You really are a wicked wolf.:). And a very good story-teller .
lol... thx prashant, i try ;)
I love an ending where I laugh outloud. He certainly had it coming didn't he? Wonderful writing, lots of action, instant kharma. A delight to read.
I have written a spoof story of sorts on Ascension.... do read it when you get time! http://foolishnessofthings.blogspot.com/2009/01/fyeo-ascension-revisited.html
You are a character in it as well! :-D
WOW! Reading this was like being on a fast train. Loved the fast pacing, the excitment and the unexpected ending...Almost felt sorry for the poor guy.
Brilliant....
Oh you dirty dog - that was something else! A gripping read from start to finish, and what a finish THAT was! Fabulous characterization; he even managed to take a mom and tot with him on the way down. Excellent writing!
jana
Hey Wolf,
I like the staccato feel of this - it comes at you in rhythm. Should've known that starting off your day with a warm beer is never a good sign. Good work.
What an opening paragraph! Fearless and gritty writing in this piece. I wonder if things might have been different if he'd started the day with a frosty brew. I feel a bit sorry for him.
The character was horrible but the writing was great. The surprise ending was great. (doesn't make the other things better, but good to see he didn't get away with it.)
very stylish...loved this one :)
cat, aniket, margaret, jana, jimmie, terry, september, and senorita, thank you all very much, really appreciate it :D
Great pacing, rhythm, and lean mean storytelling. Loved the ending.
linda, thank you for your kind comment :)
This story was brave! Congratulations on placing so well!
Congratulations on the honorable mention!
Great job on pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!
Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.
terry, thank you
jason, it was fun... and thank you for the opportunity to participate
look forward to your next one...
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