Friday, January 09, 2009

Entry #33

by Sameera Ansari

Do we have to use the escalator Mom? Five year old Dan looked up at Sofia, eyes round.

We have been over this a thousand times. Get moving Danny, unless you want to miss the start of the movie.

But Rob said…

He was making it all up to scare you.

What about Mary, Jessica and Simon?

They know how easily provoked you are.

What about that story in the papers Uncle Fred was taking about?

It was an accident baby, don’t be such a sissy now!

I am not a baby,
protested Dan.

Then stop behaving like one. Step on it, will you? People are waiting.

Dan finally obeyed, and they were on the way up.

God please protect me and Mom, he kept muttering, eyes closed, clutching onto his mother’s hand so tight that she could hardly feel it.

Sofia smiled in embarrassment at the onlookers chuckling around them.

He’s been paying too much attention to rumors, she murmured to the old lady with the pink hat on the step below.

But how did that child die…

She pleaded with a finger on her lips hoping Dan had not heard.

Evil eyes dear, evil eyes. Be careful about your boy, said Pink Hat, clucking.

They had reached the landing above, Dan opened his eyes slowly.

Didn’t I tell you darling? You were scaring yourself for no reason.

Yes Mom,
he agreed and turned around just in time to see a slimy green hand withdrawing into the steps.


Kim said...

Good story about the mother calming the child's fears. Loved the ending!

Lena said...

i told you i liked it, didnt i?
Very different... surreal while being real.. something like that :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@Kim : Thanks!

@Lena : Thanks dear :)

one more believer said...

excellent... never thought abt a green slimy thingee on a escalator... reminds me of that story/movie abt the monster on the plane wing eating the plane and no one say exept john lithglow....

wrath999 said...

Nice ending. Excellent read.

Geraldine said...

Well written with a great ending!

JR's Thumbprints said...

With a 250 word limit it's hard knowing what to keep and what not to keep. Perhaps a little bit of green slime on the boy's shoe near the beginning of the story with his mother asking him about it would magnify his fear in the end. I loved the dialogue.

harshad said...

wow....nice creepy end!

Leatherdykeuk said...

Sweet :)
Nice piece indeed. Great minds, and all that.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@One More Believer : Thanks!Never heard of that movie,sounds interesting :)

@Alex : Thank you :)

@Geraldine : Thanks!

@JR : Thanks!If the slime would have appeared at the beginning,he would never have ascended for sure :)

@Harshad : Thanks!

@Rachel : Thanks.I thought the same when I read your piece just after submitting this :)

Patsy said...

Yikes! Kids know about these things - why do the grown-ups never ever listen?

sawan said...

i am still imagining things!! beautifully written and a wonderful ending! keep writing :)

Sarah Hina said...

Nice, Sameera!

I especially liked the interaction with Pink Hat, and the last line, of course. :) Just enough to spark the imagination, and to fear for kids less lucky than Dan...

Enjoyed the typical mom/kid dialogue, too. Well done! :)

JaneyV said...

We're always assured that childhood fears are foolish I love that you took us to the terrifying possibility that they are not. The dialogue here was excellent; the calming words of the mother somehow managed to rack up the tension. Only 250 words? Amazing.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

creative format - nightmare stuff!!! well done

Aniket Thakkar said...

Excellent ending... I always wish for a monster to pop out of my closet, ever since I saw Monsters Inc.; I guess I'll have to watch out for escalators to now a days! My granny seriously believes its a demons creation! :-D

laughingwolf said...

green and slimy... is always good :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@Patsy : Exactly my point!

@Anil : Thanks :)

@Sarah : Thanks a lot!Glad you enjoyed it :)

@Janey : Indeed,children should not be taken too lightly.Yup,exactly 250 words :)

@Lawson : Thanks!

@Aniket : Thanks a lot!Lol,you wish for monsters to pop out from places?May your wish be granted someday :P

@Laughingwolf : Lol!

Chris Eldin said...

I love monster stories, and you had me hooked from the first line!
Nicely written!

Senorita said...

loved the ending...nice read :)

Ello said...

AWesome!!! I loved the ending!

iLL Man said...

That was damn good! Clean, tidy and very well written.

Tina said...

I used to be afraid of using escalators too, but because I was afraid I'd get stuck at the ends and have my feet squished. But this is a really interesting twist. Great job!

peggy said...

Nice take , I waited for a monster..LOL, good work!

ceedy said...

Nice good take on time I am on an escalator and if it has green lights below - I will wonder :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@Chris : Thanks a lot! :)

@Senorita : Thank you :)

@Ello : Thank you!

@Ill Man : Thank you so much!

@Tina : I used to have that fear as a kid,but grew over it :)


@Peggy : Thanks!

@Ceedy : Thanks :)

Jennifer said...

This is such a great read for all of the parents who have been there with their kids. I love that the kid is "right"--think of how often we try to convince our kids their fears are irrational!

BernardL said...

Excellent, when my kids looked for monsters growing up, I was right with them. :)

Kunjal said...

Hi Sameera!the way you have ended the story I would like to have Reassurance Part II too:)
nice one!!

RiverSoul said...

Really creative.
Loved the ending just like every one else.
Slimy green... Ewww.
Nice read.
Ps thanks for reading my story.

Tiffany said...

A child's imagined fears = real fears. Nice work

Anonymous said...

Ooooh, ghosts in the machine. Too spooky!!

Hiren said...

Great imagination ... and to be able to pack in so much in 250 words is awesome :) The dialogue with the pink hat aunty was a good addition ... :) "I am not a baby" that was also cool :)

this one brought to my mind a hindi horror flick directed by RGV where the child in the movie keeps telling his mom about spirits in their home but the parents take them to doctor instead ...

The Preacherman said...

Top drawer! Loved it!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@Jennifer : Thanks a lot!I am yet to enter that phase of life,but I can imagine :)

@Bernard : Thanks!You sure are a great Dad then :)

@Kunjal : I was thinking to write a sequel to it sometime,thanks for augmenting the idea :)

@RiverSoul : Thanks!I read them all,so no issues :)

@Tiffany : Nice equation!Thanks :)

@Selma : Lol!

@Hiren : Thanks a lot buddy!Children are more grown up than adults at times :)

Which movie was that?Not able to recall right now.

@Preacherman : Thanks a lot!

McKoala said...

Nice story; particularly the ending, just the right touch.

David Cranmer said...

That ending (which surprised me) was a corker. Excellent.

bluesugarpoet said...

Awwwww....that was great. I've never liked escalators anyway, and now I know why...slimy green hands! Great job! - jana

Margaret said...

Just goes to show, we should take our kid's fears seriously....

Loved it from start to finish, right down to the scary ending...

Scott said...

I would have liked this even without the slimy green hand. I liked the tension alone that came with the child's fear. I was sure he was done for. I didn't like the way mom handled her son at all!

Catvibe said...

I love how you were able to make a child's fears so darn real. Nice writing!

BrownPhantom said...

The mother must have felt so proud. This truly was an Ascension :).

-Prashant Dhanke

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@McKoala : Thanks :)

@David : Thanks a lot!

@Jana : Lol! Thanks a lot :)

@Margaret : Indeed!Will have that in mind when I become a parent someday.Thanks :)

@Scott : Glad you enjoyed the story in its every stage.Come on,she did what she could in the situation :P

@Catvibe : Thanks a lot! :)

@Prashant : Proud or not,she must have been relieved for sure!Thanks :)

Terry said...

Sameera, how does a nice youg woman like yourself write a perfectly creepy scene like this? This story reminds me that even though children are young, they are often more aware of the world around them than are the adults. I loved the lady in the pink hat, and my favorite line is, "Evil eyes dear, evil eyes. Be careful about your boy," said Pink Hat, clucking. Keep writing!

September said...

Ewww...loved this.
The pink hat lady is creepy
but that ending - loved it.
This was written so nice - you captured my attention, kept it, the story flowed nicely and then wham - stabbed me with that slimy hand bit. Good work!

Kabir said...

This story reminds me of Night Shyamalan's movies, where the climax could least be guessed by the reader/audience. Loved the idea and the flow of events including the colours mentioned... Written Well Sammu, All the very best darl. Love u.

Aniket Thakkar said...

I have written a scary movie of sorts on Ascension.... do read it when you get time!

You are a character in it as well! :-D

mukta said...

I liked your story. You capture the boy's fear well and also the mother's embarrassment. The central idea is really good. Well done! :)

pjd said...

But how did that child die? Nice job building the tension throughout--tension about the unknown, tension between mom & son, tension within the son about being a baby or trusting his mom... a complex situation you presented here. Nicely done.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@Terry : First of all,thanks for thinking I am nice :P

Jokes apart,I just played with the idea in my head for a couple of days and then put it down in words.Indeed,at times we adults could do to pay more attention to children.Thanks a lot,glad you liked the story :)

@September : Thanks a lot,glad you enjoyed it :)

@Kabir : Thanks for the motivation and support always Jaan.Love you loads :)

@Aniket : Read it,liked it,enjoyed it!Nice to be a part of your movie,you have taken this contest to new heights :)

@Mukta : Thanks a lot,glad you liked the story :)

@PJD : Thanks a lot,glad you got the feel of the story so well!

To answer your question,the child Dan was talking about was one of the victims of SlimyGreenHand.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

@PJD : Oops,I meant the child Pink Hat was talking about!

Anonymous said...

Great job on pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.