Friday, January 09, 2009

Entry #34

A Bullet With My Name
by Harshad Deshmukh


The world passes me in a rush, the people around me a general blur. I run through the long corridors of the mall, taking every turn, hoping not to run into a dead end. I can hear Amrit panting behind me, her heels making it impossible for her to keep up. Ducking behind a rack, I ask her to take them off.

The two men following us run past. I have an idea.

I tear the tag off a jacket and put it on. I tell Amrit to wear a scarf and follow a few steps behind. Strolling casually, I walk out the exit, only to be stopped by a security guard.
Perfect.

I see Amrit walk out. The guard takes me to the security officer. He is easy. I grease him to let me off. Hoping Amrit might have escaped, I walk towards a security exit.

Then she screams.

I rush back inside, only to find the two men holding some girl hostage. I feel like a fish on a hook. They point their guns at me. I run for the stairs leading down to the basement. Petitioning God, I jump, shots whizzing past me.
They follow me down, when I see Amrit. Shocked to see her there, I tell her to run, but she walks towards me.

She walks towards me, puts a gun to my heart and pulls the trigger. Falling to the ground, the last thing I see are her feet, moving heavenward on an escalator.

24 comments:

Lena said...

why did she do it? left me somehow wonder.. but nicely written :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

That was mean of her!

Nice description :)

one more believer said...

dang destiny... cannot outrun the wind

Aerin said...

Honestly, at the first line I thought - hmm, action, good, but, seriously, where can this go? And then that gosh darn Amrit! Nicely done!!

JR's Thumbprints said...

I can visualize the action here. I wish I knew the reason behind the running and the double-cross. Hard to do in 250 words or less.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Odd story. I love the deception.

sawan said...

suspense thriller!!

Sarah Hina said...

I like the lethal betrayal here. And his last vision, while on the ground. Very effective.

You accomplished a complex story for 250 words. Nicely done. :)

harshad said...

thanks a ton everyone! :-)

JaneyV said...

The pace of this was amazing. So much action packed into only 250 words. The double cross was a complete surprise too. Well done.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

packed a lot of tension - skillfully done

Aniket Thakkar said...

Great compilation of thoughts. Leaves a lot for us to guess whats behind the closed door. :-D

laughingwolf said...

in this case, better in the heart than the head....

Senorita said...

very stylish...good action..loved the pace...

peggy said...

lots of action and adventure, make it longer so we know the rest :) Good work!

ceedy said...

Thrilling...make it longer and add to it...its an interesting story...leaves one wondering why?

The Preacherman said...

ouch! I take it there's no part two then?

That was excellent old bean. Thank you. Well enjoyed.

Catvibe said...

A lot of action, and it is well written action indeed. The story was hard to buy because you can't figure out any reason why she would do such a thing, both the betrayal, and the committing of a crime in front of all those witnesses. This needs a second chapter! I hope to read it someday because you are a great writer.

harshad said...

A whole lot of thanks to everyone! I will indeed make it longer and credible for everyone...thanks again!

Prashant Dhanke said...

A very engaging tale of betrayal. And pretty fast paced. Nice :).

Josh said...

Solid action here with a great twist at the end.

bluesugarpoet said...

Gripping tale from beginning to end. I love the ambiguity - so many possibilities! - jana

September said...

Wow. She ended up being the bad guy. For him anyway.
This story had it all - action, betrayal - loved it. Good story. Nicely written.

jason evans said...

Great job with pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.