Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Entry #99

Escape
by C.A. Riddell


What is it with women and shopping? I'd rather be home, watching the game. But here I am, trekking round town. Behind her. Again.

Where to now? Who knows? Who cares?

Another revolving door. Another slow moving, metal ascent. So many feet. Arms and legs superfluous Except...

“Here, take these.”

Bags. Heavy bags. First floor, ladies lingerie. More conveyor belt culture...

Rising... Rising... Regret.

"Hey, watch it, Mister!" She shouts. I cringe.

Bullying me is one thing, but ...

So, Schwarzenegger's cousin elbowed her in the ribs. But, if she thinks I'm ....

Besides, the man's in a hurry.

Hey, isn't that..?

"Pete! I don't believe it.”

“Hal!”

"You know this guy?" The wife sucks in her cheeks. Yellow, wrinkled apple, past its sell-by...

Face.

"Sure. Pete and I are mates."

A slapping of backs, a mutual grin, the wife grabs my plastic. She's off..

"What's happening, Pete? It's been a while. This is the last place I'd expect... “

“Well, Hal, I'm on the run.”

"You're kidding."

“No. In fact...”

He takes me to an exit, leading to a bridge. Police are down below. I hear a siren. Recall...

Breaking and entering, fraud... Pete was quite a lad, as I remember. I won't be an accessory, and yet...

“I can trust you, can't I, Hal? I recognise that shady look.

“Sure, Pete. Always could.”

“Well, see that pub over there? Don't tell the missus...”

I've gone.

12 comments:

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Liked the description,especially of the wife :D

Good one!

Rebecca Livesey said...

nice snappy piece, liked it a lot, so realistic too!

JR's Thumbprints said...

The dialogue seemed natural, not forced; however, it ended abruptly.

McKoala said...

LOL, like the use of dialogue.

Lena said...

Dialogues are cool here. And the man's thoughts about women shopping. Sounded funny! :)

Margaret said...

I can really sympathize with the poor guy.

I'm so glad he made it to the pub...

Catvibe said...

Men who don't like to go shopping should absolutely not go shopping. Great dialogue.

Sarah Hina said...

As the others have said, I really enjoyed the natural, effortless dialogue and the all-too-authentic bored resentment from Hal. His wife is a piece of work.

Cool segue into his escape! I liked the dark humor to your piece. And your writing has a nice flow.

Aniket Thakkar said...

I am soo with you on the shopping part! My friend has 2 matching sandals fro each top she has! And its only other ladies who notice them! I understand the laws of simple harmonic motions and rotational dynamics quite well... What beats me is how are they able to walk with 4 inch pencil heels??? :-D

September said...

ha! funny - never been there myself because I prefer shopping alone. nice job with the whole description and with the dialogue

Carrie said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone. Ideally, I'd have liked a little more time to sharpen this up - my fault entirely - but I'm pleased the humour came through. The ending was meant to be abrupt, JRT. I mean, once you're gone, you're gone, no?

4" heels, yep, I'm with you there, Aniket. Ruined my feet wearing them in the 80's - but would I listen then?

Have really enjoyed reading all the entries, folks. Wonderful competition. Excellent standard of writing, too.

jason evans said...

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!