Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Entry #157

To Top it Off
by Quin Browne


So, I just talk into the microphone?

Right. We’d met via the internet, the shadkhen for the 2000’s... who needs a person? You use the internet for dating, hooking up...marriage. We met, we courted.. we had our first sexual experience . On computers. A year of talking, emails and a lot more virtual sex later, he flew to Chicago from Los Angeles, I’m at baggage check, holding a sign, in case the real me didn’t look like the virtual me. We had the initial greeting, our faces not sure which way to go as we moved in for the hug/kiss--awkward, right?

So, off to a great place that served famous pizza in a town known for pizza. There, it all started to crumble. I noticed when he spoke to me, he moved his fingers on the table as if typing. I ordered a beer (with pizza, you have beer, right?) and he chose “...a nice red wine, not too earthy”. Then, then, he did something that proved this had become a momentous FUBAR. I could have lived with the girth I’d never seen before, his staring at my chest when he spoke, even the fuckin’ pretentious wine. It ended when he eschewed my suggestion of sausage and olives, choosing ham and pineapple.

Ham. And. Pineapple.

Okay, granted, sending him back to L.A. was a smarter choice than the one I took--that whole stabbing him in the eye with my fork.

But, really, ham and pineapple?

31 comments:

Hoodie said...

I really like how one simple opening line adds meaning to rest of it.

You just never know who you're really meeting on the internet, eh?

And I love ham and pineapple. (gulp)

Fine writing.

Laurel said...

So funny!

Hoodie: I love ham and pineapple, too.

But not with red wine.

I wouldn't stab anyone in the eye over it, though.

Aerin said...

Very funny - also nicely written. Great flow, excellent voice - well done!

JR's Thumbprints said...

This flash has a nice, casual voice that sets the tone of the piece. I like how you don't give away the setting--let the reader figure out where the narrator is. Good job.

J. M. said...

very funny! and I like how it's purely character driven. strong voice.

Merry Monteleone said...

Being a Chicagoan myself, I can completely identify with the horror at screwing up a perfectly good pizza. I liked the voice, too.

Ranee Kaur Banerjee said...

Your story has so much attitude and the character's voice is so clear. I love the tone and the effortless ease with which you set it from the beginning.

Precie said...

LOL! Great voice. And it's cool how the syntax throughout echoes internet-speak.

But, hey, I like ham and pineapple pizza!

wrath999 said...

Great humor and story

alex

laughingwolf said...

eyeball pizza? what a concept! ;) lol

well done!

Deb S said...

Wine with pizza? Definitely a forking offense!

And I agree with the others, great voice.

Anonymous said...

Jeanette Cheezum

You have a strong voice and a vivid story. I would say more but I'm laughing too hard.

Bob Clay said...

<--- retracts bid for Ham and Pineapple Pizza on Ebay

:-)

The Preacherman said...

Thank God I'm a pepperoni man!

Nice to see a bit more humour too. Nice one!


Four Dinners

Catvibe said...

Fork in the eye? That sucks! But really, the dude was just so common! ;-) Seriously, I enjoyed it. It made me giggle.

Harry said...

Nice one Quin! Really funny, I used to feel the same way about ham & pineapple and still do take a stand against smoked duck or gorgonzola, brie, artichoke hearts and any of the other varied absolutely NON pizza toppings that wind up on pies these days. But I'll tell you what, throw some jalapenos on with the ham and pineapple and that works!

September said...

Hehe. This was funny. Interesting way to write the story - good work.

Patsy said...

Ham and pineapple? OK, the fork in the eye was a bit drastic, but she had to do something.

Adam J. Whitlatch said...

Brilliant! Love it, Quin.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Hil. A. Rious.

:-)

Loved this one.

Christina said...

Very well done. I'd have done the same. Thanks for the laugh.

quin browne said...

oh! thanks to everyone for reading, commenting and finding the same giggle i had writing it...

pjd said...

Whoa.


Yeah, the only thing pineapple and pizza have is that they both begin with pi. And I guess you could say the "z" in pizza is like a sideways "N" from pineapple. But that's where it ends. The two should never meet. Hawaii and Italy. Duh. It'd be like curry tamales or something. Abomination.

sandra seamans said...

The giggles are great! Nicely done!

Paul Brazill said...

OOh, that's a sharp one!

BernardL said...

Wow, that put new meaning into the word judgmental. :)

Aniket said...

So many people here are targets to being stabbed in the eye by a fork.

Have Mercy! :)

Very funny indeed. Quite a few girls I liked in the first meet turned out to be victim of the 'crazy eye' syndrome too. Freaky that!

I totally enjoyed this piece.

Carrie said...

**I noticed when he spoke to me, he moved his fingers on the table as if typing. **

Laughed out loud at this one. Many a truth in wine... and in jest. 'nuff said :)

JaneyV said...

A terrific piece of writing. I enjoyed the interviewee angle.

Social skills don't grow on x-box live do they?

jason evans said...

A strange dichotomy. We can't do without the physical presence to truly connect. And yet, we can't do without the mental presence either.

Welcome to The Forties Club!

Jaye Wells said...

Thank you for being original. Your voice is very strong and the ironic humor is definitely my cup of tea. Excellent job.