Wine Girl
By Aniket Thakkar
His grip tightened on the doorknob as he breathed out a low sigh.
Do not screw this up, he reminded himself entering the room.
Sarah had her back towards him.
Her skirt hiked up as she stretched to fetch a bottle.
“Are you going to keep staring at my butt or will you help me get that?”
“What? Yeah, sure. I’ll get that. How did you know it was me?”
“I’m in the wine business Paul. I know a scent when I smell one.
So what is it today? Another Rolling Shiraz?”
“Um. You have Screaming Eagle?”
She almost choked. “You mean the Screaming Eagle?”
“Er, yeah.”
“No, I don’t. What’s the big occasion?”
“Nothing. I thought, maybe… if you don’t mind, we could have a drink together?”
“Oh, I have good wine all the time. How about we go out for a coffee?”
She didn’t wait for him to answer, “You move along. I’ll close the store and be right out.”
As she stepped into his car she saw a score of wine bottles on the back seat. Never opened.
“You have no idea how much a Screaming Eagle costs, do you? Its freakin’ $800!
Were you trying to woo me, Paul? Seems to me, you don’t even like wine.”
His chin dug into his chest, as he mumbled, “Well, they say gentlemen should know their wine.”
Her eyes beamed with playfulness as a finger grazed his thigh.
“What made you think I like gentle men?”
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Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
Listening for the words in a quiet corner of the night. The fiction, poetry, and photography of Jason Evans.
About Me
- Aine
- Collaborator and night owl.
Past Contests
- "Elemental" Short Fiction Contest
- "Uncovered" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silhouette" Short Fiction Contest
- "In Vino Veritas" Short Fiction Contest
- "Ascension" Short Fiction Contest
- "Running Wind" Short Fiction Contest
- "Whispers" Short Fiction Contest
- "Restless Dawn" Short Fiction Contest
- "Halo" Short Fiction Contest
- "Endless Hour" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silent Grey" Short Fiction Contest
- "Lonely Moon" Short Fiction Contest (with Anne Frasier)
- "Midnight Road" Short Fiction Contest
- "Two Lights" Short Fiction Contest
The Official Compilation!
Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
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Visitors
~clausum~
64 comments:
Aniket, you wicked child, you made me laugh! And how did you find Screaming Eagle? I used to live there in that area. It must be a cult wine with prices like that!
I love the banter between these two characters. Sharp dialogue.
Aniket, this is a perfect scene. It's hot without being overtly sexual and touching that he is trying so hard to find common ground with her. Clever, clever dialogue.
And I LOVE her reaction when she realizes what he's been up to.
I 100% want to see where this is going.
nicely playful, aniket... love it!
*swoon* Aniket, will you marry me?
Great use of dialgue in painting us a picture
alex
I am liking this, you. I am liking the humour within your words.You have much talent for someone so young.
Catherine,
Am so very glad that you were the first one here. :D
And about Screaming Eagle, aherm, gentlemen should know their wine, right? :P
Well am not a wine person, Hoeggarden or Corona suits me just fine. I googles up all sorts of wines and their prices and zeroed in on 1992 Screaming Eagle that suited the piece.:)
May be we can share a bottle next time you're here? :)
JR,
Females dominate in most of my stories. May be it reflects my life in more ways than I would like. :)
Laurel,
Thank you so very much for you generous appreciation.
You have been the star in the contest so far. Beaten Chris & me to almost every piece.
Common spill it out... how much did you pay Jason? He lets you know an hour in advance when is he posting the next lot, doesn't he?:D :D :D
I'll be definitely following your blog. :P
Laughingwolf,
Thanks a ton.
Aerin,
I would so love to, but I'm not so sure whether your rockstar-hubby would take too kindly to it. :D
You do know that you are my no. 1 online crush, right? :D
Alex,
Am glad you could connect to it. Thanks.
SarahA,
I love your style of commenting, you. :D :D :D
24 is not that young now is it? Kids in the neighborhood have started calling me uncle. :(
Thanks for the comment. Keep inspiring.
Aniket:
I'm a newbie here. It's just first timer excitement!
Seriously, I have really enjoyed reading everyone's work. There is some really high level writing here and a couple that made me laugh out loud or came back to me later, which IMO is the mark of a good story.
Yours is sticking with me. Flashbacks to my own life in retail years ago....
This was fun to read, and I can appreciate the Screaming Eagle reference- great wine- they have a cabernet that goes for over a grand per bottle.
Love the characterizations!
Laurel,
I know the feeling. Its only my second contest. I shared the same excitement last time around (hell, am still as excited :P)
Made great friends here last time around. (likes of Catvibe, Aerin, JR up there)
One learns a lot in their company. And to know some of them are not even doing there style. Like Catvibe and Margaret seldom do fiction. They are infinitely talented in poetry though. They are out of there element and have yet written superb pieces. Its amazing.
And thanks to the contest we all can crack so many wine jokes and stories now at the parties.
Drinking wine would never be the same again.
Cheers to Jason.
PS: Flash back to your life... now my mind goes wondering. :) :)
Hadley,
Now I would definitely try it once.
And would not spit it, coz we know that's not classy. :)
Precie,
Thanks a lot. I love them too. :)
This was really nicely done. I love the dialogue, especially that last line :-)
So fun and playful and romantic!! I loved the dialogue and interactions between your two characters!
Lovely writing, and a joy to read.
:-)
(I think I'm behind the race with you and Laurel. Have to catch up now!)
Aniket - Sarah and Paul? Inside joke, of course... (or inside crush?)
The story is great - you've nailed it with the dialogue and the plot, too. I love her playfulness in the end. Good job!
Merry,
Thanks a lot. :)
Chris,
Thank you. I'll have to catch up to you guys tomm. Its almost 3:30 am here and I want to enjoy these stories when am gully conscious. :)
Karen,
I knew it that if someone would get it, it'll be you. :P
Its less of an inside joke and more of a tribute. Crush? No!!!!
She too is in the the fav. aunts community. I respect her too much to have a crush on her. :)
(Not that I don't respect you Aerin. Its different. You are too young to be an aunt. :) )
Oh that was so sweet! I swear, all your little stories make me realize what an absolute romantic you are. It is just lovely!
Great job buddy !! You really nailed it .... The dialogue , the pace and the feeling of being in love is all in place and so wonderfully done . But then again , I've said it all before ... Hell ! I'm sure it doesn't hurt to hear it again huh ?! ;) hehehehe
Best of Luck !!
Well done Aniket...Women! I tell you... :p
Nice one Ani. The dialogue fairly crackles along. Good stuff mate.
Four Dinners
Ello,
Not that I most definitely am.
But I have written a few gory stories too. I guess you just land up on the mushy ones. I love writing these most.
I was in dilemma whether to send this one or a gory one I had written (will post it later on my blog) but am glad I chose this one. Too much blood shed around already. Its good to have some love. :)
Adisha,
You know I love to hear that each time you say it. Thanks for coming over here and saying those words of praise. It means a lot!
Rohan,
Ah. Yes. And love, Tricky business that. If only one could know What women want? Okay, may be not all of them but if only we knew what THE ONE wants. :)
Preacherman,
Glad you made it here, old bean.
Haven't encountered your entry yet. May be its still to come.
Have to catch up to Jason's speed.:)
Thanks for the thumbs up.
Brilliant dialogue. Witty, yet with a certain edginess. Great stuff, aniket.
Tessa,
I enjoy it the most when my characters are witty. Probably thats why I submitted this piece in which I truly believe in. :)
Am so glad you liked it.
Very good attempt aniket...lets hope for the best. :-)
Mahesh,
Thats so very nice of you.
But thankfully am sane enough to realize that it'll still take me at least two more years be possibly able to win this.
But it feels great to be acknowledged even a little bit in such great company. And up is the only way to go from here, so no regrets :)
Have you entered too?
aniket:
original and witty take; i felt some 30 years younger just reading you; can we trade places in reallife?
desiderata,
Hmm. 30 yrs younger would make you 222 yrs old, right? :D
As for trading places, if you have a good laptop, a wi-fi enabled home, a powerful bike, an electric guitar and a super hot girlfriend... then am totally game for it. :D :D
(Greedy lil' fellow am I not? :P)
Am glad you found the piece to your liking. Thanks for the praise.
told you i was looking forward to this - and you do not diappoint. dialouge like this - breezy and flirty but wholly believable - is so much easier said than done - and you nailed it. like others, i want to keep reading this (poor guy seems like he's in way over his head - but love how she chides/toys with him.) great job!
Great stuff. I'm scared for him!
Wonderful writeup man! absolutely romantic. would definitely want to see where this goes.
Oh WOW! Fabulous!!!
Joaquin,
Thank you so very much. A praise like that means so much when it comes from the likes of you.
I'm quite like the guy in my 'real' life. I'll act all haughty in the blog world but when faced with an attractive women, I always say the wrong things (I don't mean profane, just the kind of things that don't get you her number :) )
I'll find my Wine Girl though. Am sure of it.
Kurt,
He's into trouble alright. But he'll survive. I'm hopeful. :)
Ajit,
Thank you so much for the kind words. I might just write on these characters again. I already have a Nick & Jenny series going on over at my site.
Qi,
Am glad you finally made it here. I was missing all the friends. Always of a few words, aren't you? :)
Thanks for coming over here and commenting. :P
I enjoyed your take on the wine. :)
This is totally charming! I like Paul, a regular guy with a big crush and an insecurity, but also not too afraid to show it when he finally gets the courage to ask her out.
My favorite moment, though, is when he asks, "How did you know it was me?"
There are two interpretations here--first, that she saw him coming before he entered, and she turned around to show off her butt to him because she already knows he likes her (or she also likes him). Second, that he is being presumptuous in thinking she had any idea who it was, and she's really just a flirtatious tart. Either way, I like her a lot. :-)
Nicely done, a pleasant read that leaves me smiling for their cuteness.
Enchanting. You have a gift for dialogue.
That couple surely is young blood...who will soon learn that with gentleness comes real intimacy!
However this is one of the best wooing scenes! In Style! I like it :)
BernardL,
Thanks!
pjd,
Thanks for such a detailed comment. I put in the 'How did you know it was me?' because by her answer that she knew his scent I wanted to show their past history, that she knew him well and she too liked him. One doesn't remember the scent of every customer after all. :)
Like you I too wrote it as a 400 word piece. I hated it to cut it down to 250. But those are the rules. :(
Am glad you liked it. I know, you are a tough customer to please. :)
Hoodie,
Thanks a ton!
Mona,
Like wine, they'll grow richer with age and for Paul's sake a lot more gentle too. :)
Thank you for your appreciation.
Aww.... i love it love it love it....
And i agree with Laurel.... its Hot!!! ;)
i just love the way u convey so many things with just dialogues. U practiced a lot didn’t ya??? ;)
Nevertheless.... Awesome work...
Ooh saucy! Loved the dialogue between the characters, really provocative and pithy! Great piece of writing!
Amrita,
Yes. Dialogue fiction is my first love. And for the last six months I've been learning from the best, namely Jason and Sarah. I just hope they are happy to see whatever little progress I've made.
I only write flash-fiction these days. You can catch me on www.flashfiction.in
Thanks for loving it/them(Paul and Sarah) so much. :D
Absolute Vanilla,
Am so very glad you found that 'saucy'. I love the sound of that. :)
Thanks for all the appreciation. I still consider myself a newbie. So it means a lot. :)
I so louve the fact that its sultry and hot without being in-your-face, you can tell it by the fact that how many women have liked it cos usually a man's sense of hot isn't a woman's. And you have succeeded in this, Mr. Thakkar. Thats a huge feat, trust me.
Needless to say, I loved it :)
Aniket - What a ravishing dialogue between Paul and Sarah. I love the way you presented these two young characters. I saw the whole scene before my eyes, could picture the two of them perfectly.
It's really wonderfully written with a perfect ending.
Best you've ever written in my eyes. :)
I only got back from Ireland yesterday and want to read as many as possible. Yours is my first and put me off to a brilliant start. :D
Aditi,
I am so thrilled by the love everyone is shedding on the piece. :D
I like the idea of women liking it, but romanticism isn't dead in men yet too. You'll find many INFPs like me out here. :)
Margaret,
Yayyyyy!! You're back. Gosh. So many things to tell you. :D
You always find the nicest things to say don't you? :D
There are still a few posts that I have written in the past that I rank above this one. But I do love these characters a lot.
But you would be left in complete awe of how many wonderful stories(and dead-bodies) are out there.
I like the ending. It's a fun twist and you have to feel for the guy. He likes her so much and he's willing to spend money and time researching just to impress this girl. Cute!
great, fun story! I had a blast reading it. Thanks!
Oh Aniket, you romantic you. I'm so glad you went for this angle. I love Paul and how, despite not liking wine, he continues to buy the best in order to woo the object of his affections.
I'm surprised, given the prompt of wine, there weren't more overtly romantic entries. This is a real breath of the fresh stuff.
Good job!
I'm so thrilled to see you garnering such rave reviews! I'm quite the proud aunt here!:-D
Meghan,
Well its the birth-right of a girl friend to take control of her boy-friends time and money, right? :D
I am just happy he got the right result for all his efforts. Not all are that fortunate. :(
J.M. Poirot,
Guess its a win-win situation, for I had a blast writing it (and now reading the comments too). Thanks a lot.
Janey,
What can I say. Romance is dying these days. And you've been keeping me so drunk these days (over FB) that all I could dream of was 'Wine Girl'. So I owe some to you too. :)
You didn't participate, did you?
Karen,
:D :D I know. I am thrilled by the response. I just said to Jason. That I'm gonna take poetry a bit seriously too. So would be needing a lot of help from you, Joaquin, Cat and Margaret. I am gonna trouble you all a lot. :P
I certainly did - #151
Janey,
Just read it. :D Loved it through and through. Especially the start.
You are too cool!
Aditi,
A very good friend of mine was kind enough to point out that I accidently wrote INFP instead of INFJ. That happened probably becuse I was telling a friend about Aine's personality posts the other day and she happens to be an INFP.
So in case you don't know your personality type yet, its about time, you paid Aine a visit. :)
Aniket,
Simple... and sparkling..
Blog Gore
I got a great feel for their characters and their situation in so few words. Love how he's wooing her and still able to admit his ignorance. Excellent job!
Blog Gore,
Thanks a lot. Ours couldn't be more different. But I liked your take a lot!
Sarah,
Thank you so much.
This piece was all about the characters and lesser about the story. Am glad you grabbed on its essence.
Ah, this seems like the beginning of a beautiful relationship, I feel all warm and fuzzy after reading this, thanks :-)
This is great - it moves right along with wonderful description and tangible characters.
Terry,
Am glad it brought that effect on you. That's the best compliment I can get. :)
Jade,
Thank you so much. Am glad you all could relate to the characters.
Angela,
Many thanks! Am so glad you enjoyed the scene. I'm loving the wine girl more and more after each comment. :)
I quite liked the dialogue in this one. Very organic and genuine. Nice job.
Aniket, as I said at your FlashFiction site, I really love this piece - I think your writing has improved tremendously since the previous contest. You manage to convey, in just a few words, and through great dialogue, a whole story, very "charged" and interesting... Well done!
Congratulations, Aniket, on making it to the 40s club!
YEAH Aniket! You're in the 40's club - Congratulations!!
Just shows how much your writing's improved. I'm delighted for you - well done! :D :D
Very neatly done, Aniket, a great little story!
congratulations! i do hope you will celebrate your induction into the 40s club sensibly - like with an ice-cold 40 of olde english 800 maybe, or mickey's - wait - can you get 40s in india? freaking metric system.
anyway - nice job, well deserved!
Rabid Fox,
Thanks for your kind words!
Vesper,
Thank you. You have always been a straight forward honest commenter, I loved it about you. I remember your comments on cutting on adjectives and shortening sentences when I started. They all helped a lot. I've come a long way and have still much more to go. After so many re-reads I now realize there are many things I could have done better with this. But still am very proud at the moment to be in 40's club. Thanks for all your help, constructive criticism and support.
Ranee,
Thank you, so very much! :D
Margaret,
Thanks a gazillion! You have been there all along the journey and have read my every post. So you have seen it all first hand. :D
Thanks for always being there.
It means the world to me.
McK,
Thanks a lot, she-who-must-not-be-named! lol :D :D
Beware of her claws!
Joaquin,
No idea about wines! I did celebrate with a couple of Corona's though. Hope that was sensible enough. :D :D :D
Thank you all such fine people for your help, support and guidance!
I felt for the guy. Trying to spark something in her. Good feel for dialogue and well told.
Welcome to The Forties Club!!
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