Thursday, July 09, 2009

Entry #6

A Moment In Time
by Lindsay McAlpine


This wasn't the conversation I wanted to have with my mother.

Hell, this wasn't the kind of conversation I want to have, period.

“Did you not wonder why you were different? Did you not notice?” The incredulity in her voice made me wince.

It hurt because- in truth- I hadn't.

She sighed, many years of her life that I couldn't see, audible.

“I told your father-he wouldn't hear it.” She leaned over, gracefully, and grasped her wine glass in her elegant fingers.

The wine, blood red and fragrant, swished in the glass-the only sign that my mother-No! Not my mother!-was nervous.

“Nor would he listen when I told him to tell you years ago.”

She looked at me then, her emerald eyes boring into my gold ones-the only sign that I was different.

“He thought you deserved a proper mother.” She shook her head, her mahogany curls cascading over delicate shoulders. “I should have known better.”

I reached down, grasped my own glass, and drank. The wine soothed my throat, the wetness in my eyes, dried.

The silence heavy with questions not asked, answers not found, and the truth of the lies.

Abruptly, she spoke “You are not my daughter by birth, but by choice. And the one I would choose again.”

“If you would let me.”

A single tear fell.

My voice was bitter. “Is that the Queen's order?”

Another tear followed the first, wet upon her face.

“Just a mother's hope.”

32 comments:

Chris Eldin said...

Beautifully written! I love your dialogue, and your pacing is superb--helped to create the tension around the question "how is she different?"
Creative and nicely done!

laughingwolf said...

brilliant! :)

Laurel said...

Love the dialogue and I really wanted to keep reading to find out why she is different.

wrath999 said...

I liked the ambiguity of why she is different. Gives me a chance to use my own imagination. Very well done.
alex

Aniket said...

I too loved the pacing. The dialogues don't give away anything till the end. I was totally engrossed in the piece as a reader.

Very well done.

Aimee Laine said...

Applicable to ANY age. :) Great job!

Josh said...

Great details bring these characters strongly into the mind's eye. I enjoyed the strong emotion as well.

Catvibe said...

I could really feel the tension here, the point of view was very clear. I felt empathy for both of them. Well written.

Kunjal said...

a nice sentimental story:)yes I always love happy endings:)

JR's Thumbprints said...

Aptly paced. The build-up was worth it.

Therese said...

I would really, really love to see you turn this into a longer story. I would read it.

Great idea, Lindsay.

I particularly like, "the incredulity in her voice made me wince." We've all been there.

Tessa said...

A riveting story; as compelling as it's moving. Very well done, Lindsay!

Lindsay said...

I am so glad that everyone is enjoying this! Its the first piece I've ever let, well, anyone read!

When the contest is over, I will be posting the rest of the story, as I have it written. It isn't terribly long, but, I think it adds that little extra to what I have written here.

On the 15th (or around there) you can find it at http://andais.com

Again, thank you all so much for your kind words. They mean the world to me.

xox
Lindsay

Karen said...

This is the first writing you've shared? What a shame! This is really good - for all the reasons already mentioned. I'll look for "the rest of the story" at your site later.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Awww. Tear jerker. Well done!

Ryan said...

This is an amazing story. Wow, I still get a kick out of it reading it a fourth and fifth time.

BernardL said...

The tense atmosphere worked well.

pjd said...

Just yesterday I was listening to a recent This American Life podcast called "Go Ask Your Father," about grown children finding out that their parents were not their parents. It was fascinating, and I think the emotion you display at the end has a real feel to it.

RKCharron said...

Hi :)
Thanks for sharing this beautifully crafted story.
The burning question of "how is she different" carries throughout the piece. The characterization is strong and realistic. It made me want to read more.
twitter.com/RKCharron
:)

The Preacherman said...

I didn't want it to end. I wanted to know more about them. This really got to me and I wanted to keep reading. Hope there's more where that came from. Excellent.



Four Dinners

Hoodie said...

You definitely piqued my interest. Very nicely done.

Gughan said...

I wonder why the queen chose to enlighten her daughter when she did. There is some kind of an urgency in her. "I should have known better", she says. There is definitely some thing going on.

Nice read :)

Dottie said...

Very nice. Please keep sharing your work.

Jade L Blackwater said...

I like wondering what it is that makes the narrator/daughter "different." Nicely done.

illyria taylor said...

You're in my top 5. As an adopted child, this was the mother I should've had. Whatever was your inspiration?

Christina said...

I like this. Putting her heart on the line for possible rejection.

Margaret said...

Very well written Lindsay. I could feel the tension all the way through.

rebecca said...

An entire novel in such few words. Excellent. However, I think this would make such an interesting story if you cared to expand....

J.C. Montgomery said...

It's always so hard commenting toward the end, as everyone seems to have already expressed what I am thinking.

The dialogue, tension developed and maintained. I also liked the subtlety of switch in characters where the mother starts strong and ending softened, and the daughter starting off softer and then ending harder.

JaneyV said...

Ditto JC. I think you did a wonderful job here.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Nicely done

jason evans said...

The pain weighs heavy. You infused the conversation with it.