Thursday, July 09, 2009

Entry #5

Foofy Coffee and Other Maladies
by Merry Monteleone


I stumbled into the kitchen and was slapped by the smell of coffee with, what was that? Hazelnut? Probably some mocha-floofy-hoity-toity-flavor-you-need-seventy-five-syllables-to pronounce. Didn’t matter what it was, really. Dozens of tiny men with jackhammers were running around the inside of my head and the coffee wasn’t doing a damn thing to make them shut up.

I pulled up a stool at the counter and willed myself not to be sick in front of him. Mark glided in from the opposite hall, already dressed for the day with his hair just damp around the edges. He shot me a boyish grin, looking chipper and rested. The prick.

“You did a fine impression of a raging alcoholic last night.” He poured two cups and placed one in front of me.

Ack, it smelled bad enough from across the room. And if you start lecturing me on how to act, the coffee’s going in your face.

His eyes widened and he pulled my cup back to his side of the counter. “I wasn’t going to lecture you.”

“Did I say that out loud?” Maybe I was still drunk. My in-my-head snark was normally well contained... okay, not really, but I usually knew when it’d come out of my mouth.

“What, the part about throwing coffee in my face? Yeah... out loud... and, you know, it’s not my fault you’re hung over.”

“You gave me like twenty glasses of wine!”

“It was a tasting – you’re supposed to spit it out.”

“Yeah, cause that’s classy.”

38 comments:

Laurel said...

Love the "classy" line!

JR's Thumbprints said...

Nothing's worse than a hangover from wine. But hey, in order to act first class "thou shall not spit."

Aniket said...

lol! This gave me a good laugh. What a way to start a day, than a hangover with someone to take care of you :D

Needless to say loved the last line.
She is certainly - Not guilty! :P

Rohan said...

Ha ha ha...
Well done Merry...I like the first few lines describing the hangover.

Catvibe said...

Not a fun feeling.

laughingwolf said...

good n funny, merry :D

wrath999 said...

Nicely done. Great line in the end

alex

Chris Eldin said...

AHAHAH! The dialogue flowed very nicely. I really really love your last line in particular!
A fun piece!

Beth Harar said...

I really enjoyed reading your entry. Nice job.

Tessa said...

Yikes! All too familiar. A witty and quick paced tale - made me laugh out loud. Alternative title could be 'To Spit...or Not To Spit'!

strugglingwriter said...

Very funny. I like this a lot. One question, does "mocha-floofy-hoity-toity-flavor-you-need-seventy-five-syllables-to" count as only one word against the word count? :)

Josh said...

I think most people can relate to this, in a painful way.

Shadows said...

My favorite so far! Humor is grand.

Merry Monteleone said...

Hi Guys,

Thanks so much for all the great comments. I'm glad you liked it.

Tessa,

To Spit or Not to Spit would be a great title, but I'm afraid of what might come up in google searches :-)

Strugglingwriter,

Oh, I didn't think of that... wouldn't that be a nice way to get around the word count? :-)

Aerin said...

If I'd read this without knowing its author I still would have guessed you, Merry. Smooth, expertly written, flows well, even has a "creamy" feel like hoity-toity coffee. Just so nicely done, tying the subject of the story to the rhythm and word choices - love love love.

Chumplet - Sandra Cormier said...

Ahaha! That one made me laugh out loud. I can taste her bitterness from here.

Silly girl not to spit out the wine LOL

Ello said...

HA! That was awesome! That is so me! Did you peek in the last time I had a hangover and raged at my hubby? Cause seriously this was me!

Great characterization and dialogue! Loved it!

joaquin carvel said...

the title alone should win a prize. i love the sardonic humor in this - sharp but genuine. (does anyone really spit tastings out? i mean besides people who drink adulterated coffee?)

Karen said...

That last line made me laugh out loud. Very, very good, this one. Love the title, too.

Precie said...

Literally LOL! :)

lucy said...

I loved it! Charming, funny and so real.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Spare the snark, spoil the reader. But you still spoil us all with such great humor. Awesome!

pjd said...

Merry, I love this. What a great finishing line. I'm going to be smiling at this one for a long time. The voice is terrific throughout. Nice work!!

Ryan said...

I love the character in this. Your humor is great. Thank you very much for such a fun read.

Liz said...

Were you a writer for Murphy Brown? This was a funny piece.

RKCharron said...

Hi :)
Thanks for sharing this story.
I enjoyed the character very much.
Only I was confused as to if she actually said it out loud or if he was telepathic (which would be great).
Nice!
twitter.com/RKCharron
:)

Hoodie said...

Very nicely done. I loved it. The last line is perfect.

Merry Monteleone said...

Thanks for such great comments everyone. I'm having a ball reading all of your entries, too - it's amazing how many different takes there are to a single glass of wine.

Ello,

That's funny because this is pretty close to my natural voice, rather than a character... which is maybe why Aerin had it pegged.

RKCharron,

Telepathic would be a great twist - I wish I'd thought of that, though I'd need more than 250 words for that story. I put it in italics because it was first person and my narrator was thinking it in her head, but she didn't realize she'd said it out loud until Mark reacted.

Gughan said...

Such wit! Classy! ;)

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

LOL! And ouch! Good vivid take on what I'm sure most have experienced at some point!

moonrat said...

classy!!!

Jade L Blackwater said...

Very nice, accurate to the last drop. :)

Amanda F. said...

Classy. Loved it.

Deb S said...

Love the last line! And I have too much hazlenut creamer in my coffee right now. Arg.

JaneyV said...

That's the best last line ever! Merry I loved this piece. It was well written complete and very satisfying. Well done.

Cormac Brown said...

Piquaint with a nice finish!

Leatherdykeuk said...

Ha! Super twist!

jason evans said...

A real-feeling moment. Solidly written. High marks for pacing, entertainment, and technical elements.