Monday, November 02, 2009

Beer Philosophers #3

"Dude. You know how they say that if you die a martyr, you get 72 virgins in the afterlife?"

"Maybe. Yeah. Kind of like a suicide bomber retirement plan, I guess."

"I wish I lived over there when they announced that. When they made the big announcement."


"Think about it! 72 virgins!"

"That's a lot of virgins."

"You can say that again."

"Wouldn't it be enough to have, say, three?"

"That's not the point. Where do you think they get all those virgins? 72 and 72 and 72. Adds up pretty fast."


"Does anybody ever consider, though, that paradise for these martyrs does double duty as hell for virgins?"

"Huh.... Excellent point."

"Think about it. Getting rounded up with 71 other girls and being assigned to some scrubby asshole. Talk about adding insult to injury."

"As if dying a virgin wasn't bad enough."

"So, imagine the day they figure all this out and make the big announcement. At some point, the virgins must figure out what's going to happen to them if they die before doing the deed."

"Yeah. Bad day."

"So, if you're one of them. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that being a virgin is serious liability."


"Well, I'm thinking I need to jump on anything that moves."

"Now you're seeing my logic."

"Wow. Millions of them."

"Yep. Millions."

"Actually, you'd be doing them a great service. You'd be saving them from hell."

"Beautiful, I know."

(Contemplating awhile.)

"Dude, why are you shaking your head? You're a genius."

"In all seriousness, the world is a fucked up place."

"I'll drink to that."


Midnight Whisperer said...

Seriously, where do you come up with this stuff? I have a strong urge to want to buy you a cup of coffee and pick your brain for an hour ; )

Linda S. Socha said...

Make that two drinks.....Loved it!
Well written, fun and yes thought provoking Jason

Four Dinners said...

....I'll join em in a change there then...

Why 72 I wonder. It's a bit of a random number in't it?

As I'm looking for a new job maybe I could apply as 'virgin saver'...;-)

Great writing old bean. Cracked me up

Karen said...

You have these guys down perfectly! Reading these is like sitting at the next table.

Tabitha Bird said...

Jason, I love your words :)

I have linked to your blog on mine today cause your words never fail to blow me away.

Shadow said...

you have me shaking me head again. with a grin on my face though. you're too funny!

Jean said...

Oh, this is laugh-out-loud funneeee!

Put me on the list of drink buyers 'cause pickin' your brain is gonna need much more than an hour.

Laurel said...

Comparative theology through beer goggles is one of my most favorite passtimes. I really want to hang out with these guys.

PixieDust said...

Ha! I love these guys!



pjd said...

Outstanding; best of the three.

72 is a cool number because it is two cubed times three squared.

I don't think that means anything. I just think it's cool.

(By the way, is there anything written about whether the virgins must remain virgins through eternity? That changes the equation a little bit, I'm thinking.)

Nevine said...

And I thought the last beer bout was bad. This one is BADDER! Oh my God, I was literally laughing out loud. Especially where they were adding up the 72 and 72 and 72. It was as if I was right there. And how alpha male is it for these guys to be sitting there pretending they're trying to do some poor virgins justice? This was genius! It really rocked!!! Now I think I'm gonna go have myself a Hoegaarden! :)


K.Lawson Gilbert said...

Seriously, I think I had a table next to these guys at McGrath's on Saturday night! Great bit of writing! Four stars!

Anonymous said...

Midnight Whisperer, I don't know where it comes from. ;) But I'm thankful for blogging! What an amazing opportunity to pour out what would otherwise not see the light of day.

Linda, I'll find a table. Thanks! :)

Four Dinner, that would look good on your resume, wouldn't it?

Karen, they're like the table you can't help but listen to.

Tabitha, thank you! I'm very humbled. I hope I keep blowing you away.

Shadow, then I've done my job. ;)

Jean, there's some territory in there, I have to admit.

Laurel, we can go back to college, right?? We would enjoy it more this time.

PixieDust, I like having them around. :)

PJD, two cubed times three squared...I didn't know that. I wonder.... As for the virgins remaining virgins, I get the sense that it's a one-time allotment. If you make them un-virgins, that's on you. I don't think you get an endless supply. If you did, then a specified number would be irrelevant.

Nevine, too funny!! :D Thanks for getting into it! Laughing out loud is golden. It's such a rush when that happens. :) Enjoy that beer!

Kaye, OMG, did they get thrown out?? (No, I wasn't there, if that's what you're thinking. :p)

the walking man said...

with the typical oppression of the female in Islam I supposed there was a reason for it and now you have put words to that peculiar cultural anomaly.

A Cuban In London said...

Ahhh, this is top stuff, mate! Really, it's the dog's bollocks as we say around here. Really good. You have upended the whole logic of martyrdom, which hasn't got any, and virginity. I'll drink to that. From a teetotal.

Greetings from London.

Amias said...

I will not read this one to my son, as he has a problem with his Johnson already.

Jason, you are very good with this pure dialogue, and if you had a book of these I would buy one in a heart beat! Not only is it comical, but there is some twisted wisdom here.

Jm Diaz said...

This was awesome... Beer philosophy is THE best kind, IMHO.

Anonymous said...

Walking Man, that oppression seriously bothers me. I find it very difficult to respect any group of people who would refuse to educate women and ban them from all sorts of activities.

A Cuban in London, welcome! The dog's bullocks...I love that!! A drink to you, my friend, for the high compliment.

Amias, twisted wisdom...that is awesome! Exactly what I'm going for. And thanks for the kind words on dialogue. I'm thankful that I seem to have a feel for it. (I hope the problem with your son's Johnson is of the overactive, not under-active variety.)

Jm Diaz, some real revelations come from the warm, vast lands of the alcohol buzz. :) (And welcome!!)

Aniket said...

This is class! Clearly the best among the three.

And if I just consider content. I'll say its in my top three I've read of yours (including the competitions) Its THAT good. I could see myself holding a beer and hanging out with them.

I too often wonder about these wird beliefs people hold. Like astrology. Now they didn't knew there are 9 planets the scientists did.

Now those very scientists say there are only 8 planets (poor Pluto) So shouldn't all their predictions change now by default?! Thereby nullifying themselves.