Terrible News
by Michael A Kechula
The entire surface of Mars was red and barren, except for one black bush.
Astronauts from the planet Zorg spotted the bush during their first expedition to Mars.
“Get a load of that,” one of them said. “Did you ever see anything so ugly?”
Yanking it from the red dusty soil, they put it aboard their spacecraft and took it back to Zorg for analysis.
The Martians went ballistic. The Grand Pooh-bah of Mars sent a message to Zorg’s Emperor: “Your stupid astronauts have kidnapped our God. Return Him immediately. Our churches are in chaos.”
Zorg’s Emperor replied, “Are you kidding me? You mean that ridiculous-looking, scrawny, black bush with a stupid blob hanging from it is your God? How dumb. Why don’t you heathens worship our Sun like everybody else in the universe?”
Incensed, the Martians fired 10,000 nuclear missiles at Zorg’s Sun.
Minutes after Zorg’s Sun was blown to smithereens, a newsreader for Intergalactic News reported, “The economy on Earth continues to worsen. Hold on—we just received an emergency news flash from a distant galaxy. Good grief! Zorg’s Sun has been completely destroyed. The Emperor of Zorg has requested emergency aid shipments of 1-trillion electric generators, lamps, and light bulbs. Here’s another news flash. It’s from the Emperor himself: ‘Attention all worshippers of Zorg’s Sun. I have terrible news. God is dead. All church services throughout the universe have been canceled…forever.’”
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Listening for the words in a quiet corner of the night. The fiction, poetry, and photography of Jason Evans.
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24 comments:
I guess I kinda did not get the story. Maybe will have to reread it for a few times to completely understand.. But I liked the concept.
I loved the irony.
I too like Lena am not too sure if I grasped it right. All the churches in Mars makes sense. But all the world? Did Mars conquer Earth by then?
Also, it kindles my sci-fi loving braincells. Wouldn't the blowing up of sun create a blackholish effect forcing all the planets in its solar system to deviate from their original orbits?
Oh, well I always over think such things. Two thumbs up for the first sci-fi fantasy of the contest and the good laugh in the end. :)
Religious wars always seem both terrible and silly.
A wonderful read. Clever and tragicomic.
Funny and clever. No idea how that entered your head from the pic though!!!
Mind you...I have no idea how anything ever enters my head.
I like anything that makes me smile / giggle / laugh and this did all three.
That was a great piece that made me chuckle. Reminded me of that quote about religious wars and it being like arguing over who has the better imaginary friend.
eeehaw! lol
This makes me giggle. And have a Calvin and Hobbes flashback. Weren't the aliens in the Spaceman Spiff ones from planet Zorg?
Interesting theo-political commentary, too.
I love me some irony! Great job.
I do love (almost) anything that points out the ultimate futility of Religion with a capital R. It is comforting to know that as a species we are not alone in the universe in blowing up infidels.
The only problem with this story is that people who should see themselves in it... won't.
As a bush worshipper myself, I'd have blown Zorg's sun to smithereens too... swiftly, of the Jonathon variety. After all, if wars can start over which side of an egg to crack, surely taking someone's God is important enough to do likewise.
Oh, I've missed your Martians. What a treat to see them demanding justice. Good cause and effect piece with a whole lot of meaning in the double entrendres. Nice!
Oh man, this really made me laugh hard. Thank thank you so much for writing this!!
As someone from Zorg, I must say I don't find this one bit amusing..hilarious is more like it!
As always, your stories excite me. I guess the only disappointment I have is the lack of gorillas with refrigerators. Other than that, awesome.
Fun and wicked, from start to finish. Well done.
Yay, they finally canceled out the stupid God who would allow any harm to the last tree! A great little allegory here. I enjoyed it very much. Giggled at the end.
I see the Martians subscribe to the "eye for and eye" policy.
Deliciously silly. Gorgeous satire on the ridiculousness of organised religion and the destruction waged in its name.
Wonderful.
Wow! My first BLASPHEMOUSTIC story. Those who know me, know I like anything unpolitically correct.
Silly and ironic. How divine. ;-)
Strange, but very very funny!
my caveat
Something I Would Keep
The playfulness of the tone, the plays on trite sci-fi themes
Something I Might Tweak
Yeah, okay, I get that everyone loves the decrying of Religious Devotion, but that's as black and white as blind adherence, in its own way. The extreme-ness seems cliched.
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