Monday, January 11, 2010

Entry #125

The Victim
by Rohan Hood


"Ya Allah!"

Ali Mushtaq sprang up from his rickety bed, startled. His tattered shirt was wet, stuck to his incised and frail torso. Third degree.

The cell reeked of piss and dead rodents.

But that’s not what bothered him.

Eight months. Every night. Same dream. Same suffering.

Ali had taste of steel in his mouth. His vomit did not make much difference to what surrounded him. He called out name. It echoed back from the dark unending corridors.

Soon, Ali was murmuring verses from the Koran till the devils took over.

Rewind.

The rain. The overcoat. The cigar. The pistol. The shot.

The only contrast to the scene was blood.

RED.

Who the heck killed Sabina Ali Mushtaq?

16 comments:

lena said...

I like the intensity in this piece. Wish there could be more to it though.

Aniket said...

Graphic and gory. Well written too.

But I too am left wanting a bit more of the back story.

Craig said...

I liked the fevered pace.

Bernita said...

My only quibble is "who the heck."
Wanted a more robust expression to complement the hard edge of the rest of the piece.

Four Dinners said...

I need a 'part two' right about now!

Good description of the poor chap.

Nice one!

laughingwolf said...

what bernita said...

Laurel said...

Gritty and intense and left me wanting more. I am interested in knowing this guy's story!

Deb S said...

Yeah, intense! The descriptions were very visceral. Nice job.

pjd said...

Echo Bernita on the language. I'm not sure I get the meaning of the rewind part and the emphasis of RED.

I'm left with the impression that Ali is in Hell, but I also have the impression that I've read it wrong.

Rohan said...

Thank you all for your comments...
I like critisism and agree with what Bernita has said...

Thanks for your reactions...i always expected a mixed response.

Kartik said...

Visceral descriptions!

catvibe said...

I like the way it's written, very intense.

JaneyV said...

I love the intensity of this piece. You have captured madness and delusion very neatly and I like that there is confusion at the end. It compliments the beginning.

James R. Tomlinson said...

I like the word choice and tone, but would've liked some back story to fill-in the gaps.

Chris Eldin said...

I really liked this, and was hoping for more information.

Aerin said...



my caveat

Something I Would Keep

"murmuring voices from the Koran til the devils took over" - eeps, eerie, dark, and very, very telling in just a single line. well done

Something I Might Tweak

I wasn't completely sure that the opening exclamation was because he was waking from the dream? He jumps up from the rickety bed, but that could have just been because he was lounging, with nothing to do. Maybe "sprang from sleep"?