Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Entry #147

Buzzards at Dusk
by Juliet Wilson


Dusk. Beyond the branches a bird. Black like a crow but bigger. A buzzard perhaps.

You tug my hand. ‘Let’s go, it’s getting dark!’

I put my binoculars away and smile. ‘Okay, hometime!’

We carry on along the path, mud squelching under our hiking boots. The thin seeping rain gets heavier, the sky darkens with storms. Branches hit our heads. The buzzard calls like a child in pain. Closer now.

Suddenly the path opens into a clearing. Not the flower strewn grassy clearing we remember, but one dotted with stumps and dying trees.

You pull your coat tighter. I can feel you shivering.

Buzzards gather overhead. Ten, eleven, twelve. More than I’ve ever seen. Twenty, twenty one, twenty two, more and more flying in. All whimpering. Wheeling around overhead. I know how a mouse must feel.

Suddenly lightning. A dark figure appears in the clearing. Thunder. Hailstones sting our faces, dash against the tree-stumps.

The figure approaches. Another flash of lightning. A deathly face under a dark hood. Black eyes glitter.

A harsh voice thunders ‘You don’t belong here’.

The sky darkens with descending buzzards.

24 comments:

Bernita said...

Hitchcock the Younger, I presume?

Deb S said...

Creepy! And great job with the pacing.

Aniket said...

Great imagery - effectively used to build up a scary setting. Good work.

Nevine said...

A nice and darkly eerie mood, here. And I'm a fan of one and two-word sentences, as well... very effective!

Nevine

Four Dinners said...

Gave me the creeps. Tension build up was excellent!

Laurel said...

This was such a visual read for me. I had a series of graphic novel style illustrations flashing through my brain while the words worked their magic. Nicely done!

Nothingman said...

I'd hate to be in such a place :P Damned birds!

N

laughingwolf said...

dang pesky critters...

Crafty Green Poet said...

Thanks everyone for your comments! I lvoe birds actually so no idea why this piece went in this direction!

lena said...

That was scary. Like how it was getting more and more intense with each new line. Great work!

wrath999 said...

Very effective voice in setting the mood. Great tale

PurestGreen said...

"I know how a mouse must feel." - It is all so wonderfully eerie.

pjd said...

Always make sure you're taking the right path, and watch out for those signs that say "Rong way! turn bak now!" and "Certain death ahead!"

Verification word: drowd
In Dungeons & Dragons, a whole bunch of Drow all in one place.

catvibe said...

Yikes! I love this mood of this piece, the growing storm, the birds. Awesome. I hope they got away though and the harsh voice death like figure has some compassion here. (Not likely, huh?) Very very enjoyable.

Craig said...

There is a strong and convincing atmosphere to this piece.

Kartik said...

Very creepily done, the mood is perfect!

Julie said...

Wonderful writing. I love the images and the buildup of the tension.

James R. Tomlinson said...

Nice build-up; very suspenseful. I was hoping for a better payoff, but then again, not every story has to have an ephinany.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Oops. Bad time to be in the wrong place.

Good job.

SzélsőFa said...

i liked the build up of tension. creepy, indeed.

Aerin said...



my caveat

Something I Would Keep

So, the word "hometime" is what I say to my kidlings, and I was picturing a parent and child in the woods, which really gave me creepy icy goosebump chills.

Something I Might Tweak

I liked the second-person point of view, but thought there needed to be a little more use of it to be really effective

Karen said...

For some reason, this one gave me chills. The mood of foreboding is strong, and the hooded figure it fulfillment.

Terresa said...

The buzzards and mud squelching are excellent choices.

Chris Eldin said...

Creepy setting. Strong word choices!