Buzzards at Dusk
by Juliet Wilson
Dusk. Beyond the branches a bird. Black like a crow but bigger. A buzzard perhaps.
You tug my hand. ‘Let’s go, it’s getting dark!’
I put my binoculars away and smile. ‘Okay, hometime!’
We carry on along the path, mud squelching under our hiking boots. The thin seeping rain gets heavier, the sky darkens with storms. Branches hit our heads. The buzzard calls like a child in pain. Closer now.
Suddenly the path opens into a clearing. Not the flower strewn grassy clearing we remember, but one dotted with stumps and dying trees.
You pull your coat tighter. I can feel you shivering.
Buzzards gather overhead. Ten, eleven, twelve. More than I’ve ever seen. Twenty, twenty one, twenty two, more and more flying in. All whimpering. Wheeling around overhead. I know how a mouse must feel.
Suddenly lightning. A dark figure appears in the clearing. Thunder. Hailstones sting our faces, dash against the tree-stumps.
The figure approaches. Another flash of lightning. A deathly face under a dark hood. Black eyes glitter.
A harsh voice thunders ‘You don’t belong here’.
The sky darkens with descending buzzards.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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24 comments:
Hitchcock the Younger, I presume?
Creepy! And great job with the pacing.
Great imagery - effectively used to build up a scary setting. Good work.
A nice and darkly eerie mood, here. And I'm a fan of one and two-word sentences, as well... very effective!
Nevine
Gave me the creeps. Tension build up was excellent!
This was such a visual read for me. I had a series of graphic novel style illustrations flashing through my brain while the words worked their magic. Nicely done!
I'd hate to be in such a place :P Damned birds!
N
dang pesky critters...
Thanks everyone for your comments! I lvoe birds actually so no idea why this piece went in this direction!
That was scary. Like how it was getting more and more intense with each new line. Great work!
Very effective voice in setting the mood. Great tale
"I know how a mouse must feel." - It is all so wonderfully eerie.
Always make sure you're taking the right path, and watch out for those signs that say "Rong way! turn bak now!" and "Certain death ahead!"
Verification word: drowd
In Dungeons & Dragons, a whole bunch of Drow all in one place.
Yikes! I love this mood of this piece, the growing storm, the birds. Awesome. I hope they got away though and the harsh voice death like figure has some compassion here. (Not likely, huh?) Very very enjoyable.
There is a strong and convincing atmosphere to this piece.
Very creepily done, the mood is perfect!
Wonderful writing. I love the images and the buildup of the tension.
Nice build-up; very suspenseful. I was hoping for a better payoff, but then again, not every story has to have an ephinany.
Oops. Bad time to be in the wrong place.
Good job.
i liked the build up of tension. creepy, indeed.
my caveat
Something I Would Keep
So, the word "hometime" is what I say to my kidlings, and I was picturing a parent and child in the woods, which really gave me creepy icy goosebump chills.
Something I Might Tweak
I liked the second-person point of view, but thought there needed to be a little more use of it to be really effective
For some reason, this one gave me chills. The mood of foreboding is strong, and the hooded figure it fulfillment.
The buzzards and mud squelching are excellent choices.
Creepy setting. Strong word choices!
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