Carrion
by Ragna Brent
I open my eyes and stare at the image above me. The Devil has arrived. I blink, praying it’s a hallucination caused by the fever. I know in my heart it’s Satan. He wears black and keeps circling under the branches, coming around again and again, tormenting me, waiting to claim my soul.
Four days have passed since I buried my wife and daughter. If I twist my head I can see their final resting place. Grief consumes me and I whimper. I yearn for Ruby’s hand on my face or to hear Eva’s giggles. When we said our vows at the turn of the century we never envisaged our world would see such a cataclysm.
There will be nobody to come and save me; it’s too late for that now. Our community had been the last surviving people left. The knowledge helping us to avoid the inevitable, keeping us alive for longer.
My breathing is shallow. Disease consumes my lungs. I have little time left. Ruby and Eva will be laughing and smiling in their own Utopia waiting for my arrival. I will not come though. My destiny will be a consequence of my greed and hunger for more.
I hear him now. He’s back again, soaring and gliding around the trees. It will soon be time to join him in everlasting torment. Redemption for my sins, for trading the vial. I tremble with fear as darkness engulfs me.
(As a busy mum of six, and grandmother of two, Ragna Brent thinks it's a miracle that she manages to construct a sentence. She was thrilled in 2008/9 to have several stories published in both USA and UK. She is hoping 2010 will prove to be as successful if she can find time to submit in the first place. One day she will finish her novel.)
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25 comments:
The pain in waiting for the inevitable seeps through your words. Very well written. Chilling.
Liked it a lot.
Oh, this is so sad. Wanting reunion with lost loved ones and feeling separated by guilt.
Powerful.
Such a sad story.
Love the title.
Very poignant.
waiting for inevitable death is scary.
I loved this. the writing is flawless.
Thank you all so much :)
Pity him. He's mad with hopelessness and grief.
Love the line:
"The Devil has arrived."
I kind of wish it was the opening line, 'cause, wham, it really hits. Great work in any case.
That is so very sad. Too much of grief in this piece.
so sad... :(
Apologies I keep coming up as Anon. Can't get the hang of this :) Thank you for your encouraging comments.
I now wish I started with The Devil has arrived !
Very poignant. Nice one
gg
Carrion crying.
Made me teary-eyed. Good job!
Jean Ann
A thought provoking story and well written.
Betty Gordon
great story. I was waiting for the Devil to land ;)
-Tim
#138
You pulled off the MC's feelings of hopelessness perfectly.
So if I read this right, the MC is the scientist who gave material to someone (a disease?) that ended up killing all humanity? Poetic justice that he should be the last alive and have to bury his own, then not be buried himself.
To start out telling the reader that the Devil has arrived, then second guessing it with: "I know in my heart it’s Satan," breaks the fictional world somewhat. Other than that, it's an interesting take on the photograph.
I think that he did something despicable in order to survive and now, in death, he sees that he has no choice but to pay with his soul.
Strong stuff. Well written.
my caveat
Something I Would Keep
The crow as Satan - nicely wrought; especially in contrast to "their own Utopia."
Something I Might Tweak
I might use an adjective to describe "the vial" just to make it a little clearer whether he was responsible for the disease or if he just bought some kind of temporary treatment.
Ah, Pete. Thanks for that explanation. Whether or not it's the right one, it does help me get a better grip on the story. Trading the vial for me brought up ideas of giving away his loved ones' medicine for something stronger for himself - which made no sense in the context of the story.
Good writing! Love how the guilt left him feeling hopeless in his grief.
Apologies for taking so long to reply.
Thank you so much for your encouraging comments and will take on board suggestions (agree with them all)
PJ, yes, you got it:) Human race has been wiped out by a virus that the mc sold for profit - hence he knows he's going to hell.
Reading your backstory makes this even more interesting and compelling! Enjoyed this one!
Thank you Chris. This is the most frustrating part not being sure if your readers 'get it' I could have done with at least 1.000 words lol
Love your bio. Keep writing, it is awesome, if not a sad piece.
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