In the Graveyard
by Drama
Good, I made it before the gate closes. The graveyard is such a wonderful place at twilight. The view over the town and the Bay is exceptionally spectacular tonight. The fiery sunset behind the mountains is breathtaking, and reminds me of the unimportance of my own being and dramas. However, this place also confronts me with my deepest fears.
A large bird flies above me. Is he looking for prey, or is he like me just enjoying the quiet evening?
Am I the prey or the hunter? I thought I escaped you, but still you hunt me as if you were alive. Stay under your stone, and don’t bother me!
Why didn’t we stay friends, play in the fields, and dream together about a future of getting away and exploring the world? I loved you, and I trusted you.
Why did you turn against me, forcing me to kill you? You did this to yourself, you bitch! You didn’t let me love you as you promised me!
I taught you, now you know that you didn’t suffer enough. Don’t you worry, I’ll live.
Debra is just wonderful. Soon she’ll keep you company, and then you are not alone anymore.
What a wonderful evening, reconciling with my little girl. Time to go home.
“Are you leaving, we are closing!”
Thank you officer, have a great night, (and a gruesome morning)!
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15 comments:
The tempo is great, starts slow and picks up through the piece. He seems peaceful and philosophical and then WHAM! You find out he's a homocidal sociopath.
I really like this. I did thing the (and a gruesome morning) was almost gratuitous. The last line might be stronger without it, IMHO. I wouldn't mention it except that this is so good...and everybody else might disagree!
Ooops...might disagree about the last line. Not that this was so good! ;)
Nice job of pacing.
And I love the line- "The graveyard is such a wonderful place at twilight."- A great foreshadowing.
haww....
that person's crazy. the first paragraph actually deceives you and as you read you realize that something is terribly wrong.
Phew!!!
Very well written. Liked.
I love this piece, very skillfully written, good pacing, good voice, great finishing sentence.
very dramatic...
[laurel, check your spelling lately?]
An odd story. Initially soft, yet quickly bludgeons the reader out of his/her sense of security. Perhaps in the same way the killer chose his victims ends?
LW: What can I say? My fingertips are numb from typing...I'm sure there's a few more here and there! Plus I am still adjusting to a three quarter keyboard.
U R such a hater. I spell good as anybody their is!
Thet way the MC places the blame on his victims was an effective way of showing just how far gone he is.
"Stay under your stone," sums up the narrator's voice, giving the reader a bad taste of evil.
While I like the setup and what has happened, and the shift to blaming the victim, I found this a lot of telling without that much showing.
Caveat
Something I Would Keep
I, too, set my piece in the Bay area, and it was really important for me - so I loved finding a kindred spirit!
Something I Might Tweak
This narrator is such a strong, psychotic personality, I would have liked to see more action and less inner dialogue - it would have been interesting to see this person from the outside.
Chills. Love the madness. Hate the character. Good job.
You know I almost liked him at the beginning. Talking about the beauty of the surroundings like that, he was quite charming. Then he showed his true character and ... I felt like I needed a shower.
You write crazy very well.
Oh God! Like Janey I was all prepared for something romantic and sweet. Instead... yikes! scary and great.
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