Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Entry #227

Hungry
by Melissa Diaz


I’m trying to fill the void within by moving beyond myself, a shadow in the wind. I circle the city as twilight approaches. I am alone, under a moonless sky, while the streetlamps obscure the starlight. Headlights move below me as the world rushes home for the night. Their constant movement is a distraction from what I seek.

I want to be filled with the peace of a country evening in spring, a kind of quiet mating song as life reasserts its place in the world. I want to be filled with the warmth of summer’s sun as it sets. But I’ve been hardened by a barren fall and the cold chill of winter has hollowed me out. I’ve been left empty and aching.

Does anyone see me down below? Do they envy my freedom in this bitter night? I fly alone, without direction, without a home. Migrating with the seasons, I suffer through this man-made world.

20 comments:

Bernita said...

Plaintive winter song.

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Very beautiful indeed. Filled with emotions and pain.

2nd para was filled with all the wishes and 3rd really hits with the bitter reality..


All the best :)

Cheers
Mahesh

Laurel said...

Bernita hit the nail on the head. Plaintive.

Aniket said...

In the words of Avatar: I see you!

Last lines hit hard. Nicely done.

Angel Zapata said...

Lovely prose.

kashers said...

The first line is so definitive of the feelings of isolation. I confess I haven't given much thought to this character, but I will from now on.

Louise said...

It's lovely. I hadn't considered life from a bird's perpective either. Makes you think.

laughingwolf said...

so true...

Aerin said...



Caveat

Something I Would Keep

Intentional or not, there's a huge theme of pregnancy (or its opposite) running through this - "void within", "life reasserts its place", "mating song", "barren fall" "left empty" - I found this to be most effective

Something I Might Tweak

A sense of conflict-resolution; I don't get that there's a change in the narrator from beginning to end

Preeti said...

I used to be either blank or happy when i would watch birds flying in the sky. Your story will now make me wonder as to what these flying birds are thinking.

One more medium to let my imagination take flight. :-)

I loved this.

Deb Smythe said...

I think your beautiful pose made the bleak mood and setting all the more poignant.

JaneyV said...

Melissa, after a month of bitter cold and snow I can totally relate to the longing for spring and an end to the long cold winter. I had never thought to equate the urban landscape with barrenness but I can see that from a bird's eye view it must seem grey with few green spaces between.

I think that Bernita was right on the money again with the word plaintive.

Nicely done.

Megs - Scattered Bits said...

This is a lovely little vignette, but I would break up the opening a tiny bit more. My mind wanted to skim right past the first paragraph after the first sentence. Not sure what made it so tough to get through, but was definitely worth it. I think white space might be all that's needed there.

And while I enjoy the poetic interlude, it wasn't quite a story. As a prose poem, I loved it. I would stash it and come back every so often to reread.

Craig said...

I like how you reinforce the theme of loneliness at every turn but do it subtly enough that it doesn't feel overdone.

James R. Tomlinson said...

The plight of the homeless will forever be hard to digest. You conveyed this in your narrator's voice.

Tara said...

Beautiful.

Leatherdykeuk said...

iniscent of Michelle Shocked's 'Winter Wheat'.

Nicely done.

pjd said...

It's an effective description of lonely depression, but to be honest I never connected with the narrator. It kind of comes down to, "I want to be happy, but I'm not, and no one seems to care." But I'm left wondering why I should care. Who is the narrator? What is his or her life like? What exactly made him or her so depressed? The language is lovely, don't get me wrong.

catvibe said...

Lovely prose and melancholy for sure. I also wish there was just a little more movement, a story or something to grab onto. Interesting personification though. I feel that way too.

Melissa said...

Thank you all for your input! I intended this piece to be a simple snapshot from the bird's perspective and I'm glad you enjoyed it!