Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Entry #226

As the Crow Flies
by Scott Dunlop


Took a wrong turn, wrong side of the tracks
Found himself shadowed in grey and in blacks
Ran for the subway, was caught where he stood
By a gang, hovering over, in boots and with hoods

He’d come to the party in sequins and beads
Not meaning to exit in overgrown weeds
But the call was too close to his ears, it said SON
You have to stop wandering, your time has come

He drifted outside with the dark and depressive
Hoping to make himself cool and impressive
Clutched at the pipe for a moment or two
And fell to the ground, feeling warmth, feeling blue

And when he came round, and the stash was all gone
He offered to go get some more, on his own
He took a big wad of new bills, freshly folded
And slipped to the sidewalk, brave and emboldened

Flashing small packages, parcels and rolls
They promised him emptiness, nothingness, holes
He gave over cash, and then ran for the door
Desperate, reeling, over the floor

Avoiding the party, he hid in a doorway,
Knowing the things that his partners would say
Crushed, heated and sniffed, and then turned into coal
He struck at the foil and snorted his goal

Fell to the ground- and felt his lungs close
Stricken by burning, complete overdose
He’d made his journey- as the crow flies,
But also, as pointlessly, as the crow dies.

23 comments:

Bernita said...

Ballad of a junkie's demise.

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Wow...What a piece of poetry.. I loved the use of words very much and the rhyming was too good to sing :)

Last two lines really had something :)

All the best :)

Cheers
Mahesh

Laurel said...

They promised him emptiness, nothingness, holes

Pithy description of a seeker.

Well done.

Aniket said...

The good ol' rhymes... how much I enjoy them!

Loved reading through it the first time, the second and the third. ;)

Andre said...

You impress the dickens out of me, young Scott.
You really do.
10-20 mins?

Bravo, sir.

Angel Zapata said...

An all too somber truth.

ollwen said...

Really nice flow. Effective storytelling too. Very sad.

angel said...

Nice one dude!

laughingwolf said...

well done, scott...

Aerin said...



Caveat

Something I Would Keep

The story - so swift, so skillful, with definite narrative movement - awesome

Something I Might Tweak
a few of the rhymes/meters are a little forced (the line that ends with "coal")

Preeti said...

Wow...
loved the rhythm...
the last 2 lines are beautiful.

Squidsquirts said...

Thanks for all the feedback- all of it much appreciated- and @Aerin, thanks especially for the constructive criticism- noted and hopefully to be ironed out in the future...

James R. Tomlinson said...

Nice bit of storytelling. I'd've used some type of internal rhyme scheme to jazz it up though.

Aerin said...

(Sorry - I forgot to add - I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't obvious you were able to tweak the slightly off bits - if I thought it sucked I probably would have just said "don't change anything" ha!)

JaneyV said...

Scott - I liked this very much. I think the ballad format works very well for story telling - especially one with such a tragic end.

Megs - Scattered Bits said...

As a story, this was good with a slight disconnect at the beginning that confused me. He's dealing with a gang and then it's like everything backs up and we don't see the gang again. But I like the story and the pace and the rhyme.

Your meter is not consistent though. I found it hard to read as poetry. I suggest scanning the feet and tweaking it. It's not off majorly, just minorly. Well done.

Craig said...

Nice rythem to this piece.

Tara said...

Great voice. Loved this.

Leatherdykeuk said...

What a waste of a young life!

pjd said...

OK, Aerin, you better not say "don't change anything" when you get to mine. [does the fingers-eyes thing that means "I'm watching you"]

Aerin's got it exactly right. The narrative is great, though the sequins & beads had me thinking this was going to be a hate crime situation rather than self inflicted. (Or perhaps... both?)

Tragic. I'd say about 95% of this is terrific, with only the tweaking of the places that are a bit forced. You're clearly skilled enough to recognize those places on your own.

Terri said...

Indeed, it takes some skill to put something like this together. Bravo.

catvibe said...

I agree with Pete and Aerin, and think that JR's suggestion is worth trying because it sounds fun. The story rocked and is a devastating one. Too sad.

Katherine Tomlinson said...

The poetry of self-immolation--stark and spare...