As the Crow Flies
by Scott Dunlop
Took a wrong turn, wrong side of the tracks
Found himself shadowed in grey and in blacks
Ran for the subway, was caught where he stood
By a gang, hovering over, in boots and with hoods
He’d come to the party in sequins and beads
Not meaning to exit in overgrown weeds
But the call was too close to his ears, it said SON
You have to stop wandering, your time has come
He drifted outside with the dark and depressive
Hoping to make himself cool and impressive
Clutched at the pipe for a moment or two
And fell to the ground, feeling warmth, feeling blue
And when he came round, and the stash was all gone
He offered to go get some more, on his own
He took a big wad of new bills, freshly folded
And slipped to the sidewalk, brave and emboldened
Flashing small packages, parcels and rolls
They promised him emptiness, nothingness, holes
He gave over cash, and then ran for the door
Desperate, reeling, over the floor
Avoiding the party, he hid in a doorway,
Knowing the things that his partners would say
Crushed, heated and sniffed, and then turned into coal
He struck at the foil and snorted his goal
Fell to the ground- and felt his lungs close
Stricken by burning, complete overdose
He’d made his journey- as the crow flies,
But also, as pointlessly, as the crow dies.
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23 comments:
Ballad of a junkie's demise.
Wow...What a piece of poetry.. I loved the use of words very much and the rhyming was too good to sing :)
Last two lines really had something :)
All the best :)
Cheers
Mahesh
They promised him emptiness, nothingness, holes
Pithy description of a seeker.
Well done.
The good ol' rhymes... how much I enjoy them!
Loved reading through it the first time, the second and the third. ;)
You impress the dickens out of me, young Scott.
You really do.
10-20 mins?
Bravo, sir.
An all too somber truth.
Really nice flow. Effective storytelling too. Very sad.
Nice one dude!
well done, scott...
Caveat
Something I Would Keep
The story - so swift, so skillful, with definite narrative movement - awesome
Something I Might Tweak
a few of the rhymes/meters are a little forced (the line that ends with "coal")
Wow...
loved the rhythm...
the last 2 lines are beautiful.
Thanks for all the feedback- all of it much appreciated- and @Aerin, thanks especially for the constructive criticism- noted and hopefully to be ironed out in the future...
Nice bit of storytelling. I'd've used some type of internal rhyme scheme to jazz it up though.
(Sorry - I forgot to add - I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't obvious you were able to tweak the slightly off bits - if I thought it sucked I probably would have just said "don't change anything" ha!)
Scott - I liked this very much. I think the ballad format works very well for story telling - especially one with such a tragic end.
As a story, this was good with a slight disconnect at the beginning that confused me. He's dealing with a gang and then it's like everything backs up and we don't see the gang again. But I like the story and the pace and the rhyme.
Your meter is not consistent though. I found it hard to read as poetry. I suggest scanning the feet and tweaking it. It's not off majorly, just minorly. Well done.
Nice rythem to this piece.
Great voice. Loved this.
What a waste of a young life!
OK, Aerin, you better not say "don't change anything" when you get to mine. [does the fingers-eyes thing that means "I'm watching you"]
Aerin's got it exactly right. The narrative is great, though the sequins & beads had me thinking this was going to be a hate crime situation rather than self inflicted. (Or perhaps... both?)
Tragic. I'd say about 95% of this is terrific, with only the tweaking of the places that are a bit forced. You're clearly skilled enough to recognize those places on your own.
Indeed, it takes some skill to put something like this together. Bravo.
I agree with Pete and Aerin, and think that JR's suggestion is worth trying because it sounds fun. The story rocked and is a devastating one. Too sad.
The poetry of self-immolation--stark and spare...
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