Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Entry #229

Crow Etched Into the Window Pane
by Corra McFeydon


crow etched into the window pane—
flying buzzard on wings, you careen my now

Two shadows diverge on the far wall
between sink and sterile
counter, backlit with fluorescent
civility, the nurse in her germ
free scrubs smiles while the doctor
rams a pick ax between your legs
and you rise up in protest – too big!
all women think that – and he drives it further
Later your dress slips to your daddy’s
knee where he bounced you
the time he bought ice cream
sundaes at church
saving himself for the sake of watchful eyes
You await his return that night
between sheets of caught sweat
while headlights pry open your wanton
curtains, dragging an imprint
of an eagle’s shadow across the ceiling
You watch its hollow dance
with rapt lip caught between teeth,
then turning realize the shadow
isn’t an eagle print at all,
just an ugly crow magnified by light,
and that’s when you decide you could be that
crow etched into the window pane—
flying buzzard on wings, you careen my now

25 comments:

Bernita said...

Scary, for sure.

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Very beautiful. I loved the description though i felt a little rhyming was missing here and there.

But its perfect for the theme that Jason has come up with..

All the best :)

Cheers
Mahesh

Laurel said...

you careen my now

Haunting frame for a haunting verse. Really, really well done. The flashbacks and visuals are artful. The overall portrait is drawn with a delicate hand which makes it all the more riveting.

Aniket said...

Everything Laurel said. Especially the artful visuals part. :D (Dayum, I hate commenting after her!)

Angel Zapata said...

Equally disturbing and intriguing.

Louise said...

Very disturbing. Beautiful visuals.

Corra McFeydon said...

I’m not sure what the precedent is for writer comments on their own work, but I did want to pop in and thank everyone for the kind words. I very much appreciate it.

All the best,
Corra

laughingwolf said...

great writing, corra :)

illyriataylor said...

"you careen my now"...brilliant

Leatherdykeuk said...

Super piece

Aerin said...



Caveat

Something I Would Keep

As everyone else has said: "you careen my now" - haunting, perfect

Something I Might Tweak

This is just me, and I don't do poetry, so take this for what it's worth: you do use commas, so I think you might consider a period here or there. I know that might be a stylistic choice, I really do get the running together, and I love the way you've broken the lines. Which is why one or two well-placed periods could be very powerful.

Preeti said...

Breathtakingly beautiful.

Verses are slowly but surely gaining momentum in this contest. Me likes.
:-)

what i loved about this poem is the voice and the absolute darkness. there is something about the disjointedness which can get deceiving till the moment you realize that there is a method in the entire madness.

Brilliant stuff!!!

James R. Tomlinson said...

I can definitely hear the narrative voice in this piece. I'd say this is more of a "spoken word" type flash. One suggestion: Find somewhere where they have open-mic night, and perform it. Your audience will appreciate hearing it.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Haunting piece. Excellent.

Corra McFeydon said...

Aerin: I definitely hear you on the periods. I wanted to play with the punctuation so it seemed unfinished in places. An erratic start-stop sensation that defied rules. (Thank you for your take on this one! I sincerely appreciate it.)

James R. Tomlinson: I hadn't even considered that. Thanks so much for the suggestion.

...

Thank you so much everyone.

I feel bad I can't return the words here because I don't know your entry #'s. If any of you would like my feedback, please feel free to leave your entry # here and I'll return the kindness.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I was terrified to enter this and nearly chickened out. It's the first time outside a workshop setting I've shown any of my words.

~ Corra

Megs - Scattered Bits said...

Yikes! I do not like that doctor.

Good poem. I could feel it.

JaneyV said...

I found this haunting, shocking and beautiful.

Craig said...

Great line to describe the hospital.

James R Tomlinson said...

Only because you asked: I'm entry number 188. My characters are gentle, neighborly creatures.

Corra McFeydon said...

Megs, JaneyV, and Craig: Thank you very much for your time and words.

James: You got it! I'll be right over. ;)

~ Corra

pjd said...

I love the flow and the vivid description, the harsh words in harsh places to describe harsh things, the raw images. This is really disturbing. I think I may be reading something into this that isn't meant to be there.

catvibe said...

My take on this was that your narrator was a victim of child abuse, and that is the reason for this shadowing recollection in the present (you careen my now, wow, really). Very disturbing. I'd love to see more of your writing, I like your raw passion here.
#14

Corra McFeydon said...

pjd - I appreciate your words - and that you took the time to say them. I don't believe you're seeing more than is there. Thanks so much for your time.

catvibe - Yes, that's the image I was attempting to present. Thank you so much for the words.

(I'll be right over to #14, and if a search brings up anything for 'pjd' I'll read there too. I've tried to catch all of you by search but couldn't find a few of you.)

:) All the best, and good luck to all of you in the contest tonight!

~ Corra

Dottie (My Blog 2.0) said...

Beautiful.

Congrats on the H/M

Dottie

Corra McFeydon said...

Thank you, Dottie. I appreciate it. ;)

~ Corra