Crow Etched Into the Window Pane
by Corra McFeydon
crow etched into the window pane—
flying buzzard on wings, you careen my now
Two shadows diverge on the far wall
between sink and sterile
counter, backlit with fluorescent
civility, the nurse in her germ
free scrubs smiles while the doctor
rams a pick ax between your legs
and you rise up in protest – too big!
all women think that – and he drives it further
Later your dress slips to your daddy’s
knee where he bounced you
the time he bought ice cream
sundaes at church
saving himself for the sake of watchful eyes
You await his return that night
between sheets of caught sweat
while headlights pry open your wanton
curtains, dragging an imprint
of an eagle’s shadow across the ceiling
You watch its hollow dance
with rapt lip caught between teeth,
then turning realize the shadow
isn’t an eagle print at all,
just an ugly crow magnified by light,
and that’s when you decide you could be that
crow etched into the window pane—
flying buzzard on wings, you careen my now
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25 comments:
Scary, for sure.
Very beautiful. I loved the description though i felt a little rhyming was missing here and there.
But its perfect for the theme that Jason has come up with..
All the best :)
Cheers
Mahesh
you careen my now
Haunting frame for a haunting verse. Really, really well done. The flashbacks and visuals are artful. The overall portrait is drawn with a delicate hand which makes it all the more riveting.
Everything Laurel said. Especially the artful visuals part. :D (Dayum, I hate commenting after her!)
Equally disturbing and intriguing.
Very disturbing. Beautiful visuals.
I’m not sure what the precedent is for writer comments on their own work, but I did want to pop in and thank everyone for the kind words. I very much appreciate it.
All the best,
Corra
great writing, corra :)
"you careen my now"...brilliant
Super piece
Caveat
Something I Would Keep
As everyone else has said: "you careen my now" - haunting, perfect
Something I Might Tweak
This is just me, and I don't do poetry, so take this for what it's worth: you do use commas, so I think you might consider a period here or there. I know that might be a stylistic choice, I really do get the running together, and I love the way you've broken the lines. Which is why one or two well-placed periods could be very powerful.
Breathtakingly beautiful.
Verses are slowly but surely gaining momentum in this contest. Me likes.
:-)
what i loved about this poem is the voice and the absolute darkness. there is something about the disjointedness which can get deceiving till the moment you realize that there is a method in the entire madness.
Brilliant stuff!!!
I can definitely hear the narrative voice in this piece. I'd say this is more of a "spoken word" type flash. One suggestion: Find somewhere where they have open-mic night, and perform it. Your audience will appreciate hearing it.
Haunting piece. Excellent.
Aerin: I definitely hear you on the periods. I wanted to play with the punctuation so it seemed unfinished in places. An erratic start-stop sensation that defied rules. (Thank you for your take on this one! I sincerely appreciate it.)
James R. Tomlinson: I hadn't even considered that. Thanks so much for the suggestion.
...
Thank you so much everyone.
I feel bad I can't return the words here because I don't know your entry #'s. If any of you would like my feedback, please feel free to leave your entry # here and I'll return the kindness.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I was terrified to enter this and nearly chickened out. It's the first time outside a workshop setting I've shown any of my words.
~ Corra
Yikes! I do not like that doctor.
Good poem. I could feel it.
I found this haunting, shocking and beautiful.
Great line to describe the hospital.
Only because you asked: I'm entry number 188. My characters are gentle, neighborly creatures.
Megs, JaneyV, and Craig: Thank you very much for your time and words.
James: You got it! I'll be right over. ;)
~ Corra
I love the flow and the vivid description, the harsh words in harsh places to describe harsh things, the raw images. This is really disturbing. I think I may be reading something into this that isn't meant to be there.
My take on this was that your narrator was a victim of child abuse, and that is the reason for this shadowing recollection in the present (you careen my now, wow, really). Very disturbing. I'd love to see more of your writing, I like your raw passion here.
#14
pjd - I appreciate your words - and that you took the time to say them. I don't believe you're seeing more than is there. Thanks so much for your time.
catvibe - Yes, that's the image I was attempting to present. Thank you so much for the words.
(I'll be right over to #14, and if a search brings up anything for 'pjd' I'll read there too. I've tried to catch all of you by search but couldn't find a few of you.)
:) All the best, and good luck to all of you in the contest tonight!
~ Corra
Beautiful.
Congrats on the H/M
Dottie
Thank you, Dottie. I appreciate it. ;)
~ Corra
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