Thursday, January 07, 2010

Entry #36

by Mithun Mukherjee


Not much longer. Talking to sand with a blazing sun for janitor. Breathing stray grains of fire. Eyes that detest the soul and hang up on your face. Little more. The body feels like cement. Funny. Cement in a desert. Haha.


Bird of prey. Sand. Talk to the bird. Jim Morrison. Fingernails and needles. Little more time. Water. Sand. Keep your eyes open. A little more. Someone coming. The sand burns with the tank in the distance. Patience.


Alone. Family. Concentrate on the bird. Move. Heavy life. More sand. Breathe less. Too much effort. Talk. Throat. Paper. Sand. The bird. Stay with me. Concentrate. On the way. Help. Savior.


Let go. Don’t. Stay. Little more. Keep your eyes open. Talk to the gull. Eagle. Bird. Breathe. Little more. Don’t die. Push yourself. My legs. Where is the bird? Silhouette. Shade. Cool.
Heaven. Smile. The bird brings news. Look. Damn.


Leave now. Peace. Fight. Water? Delusional. Rest. Kill the sun. Hard work, burning people up. Smile. Don’t fizzle out. Go out brave. Who gives a shit? Fuck.


Not the cheek. Makes you look bad. Blood. Hot. It knows. Close your eyes. Don’t. One shot. Move your arm. Knife. Cant. Stare at the bird. Buy time. MOVE.


Smile. One for the camera. More like it. Healing. Gardens and flowers. Water. Bed. Spit the sand. Food. Almost there. Nirvana.

Stupid fuckin' bird...


Sarah Laurenson said...

What an interesting voice. Love this.
Very poetic stream of consciousness.

Selestial said...

I really liked this. It was saturated with the desperation and delirium of the narrator.

Very nice :)

Aniket said...

Like Sarah said,interesting voice indeed.

I had to read it a few times and I am not sure I grasped everything the piece wanted to convey... but I liked tracing his path to Nirvana.

pjd said...

Clearly, you were deep in the moment while you were writing this. It's raw and, to borrow Bernita's word, visceral.

Lena said...

Complicated I'd say. Not sure if anyone would be able to get everything you wanted to tell us. Nevertheless, a very interesting take.

Nomad said...

Brave shot at experimental literature and writing styles while holding a narrative together.

Bernita said...

What they said.
Left me uncertain about your bird of paradise and your narrator, but the language is lovely.

wrath999 said...

Wow! great read enjoyed a lot

SzélsőFa said...

like pjd said, your involvement comes accross - and this feeling gives the reader the goosebumps.

Leatherdykeuk said...

clever hunter!

Preeti said...

Like a slap across the face. Staccato narratives have the quality of taking you slowly towards the edge and leaving you there trying desperately to maintain your balance.
I loved this for the fact that when i read i find it the most unique.
such a sophistication in verse is actually quite astounding.

Four Dinners said...

I've read this five times and still haven't entirely 'got it'.

I am, therefore, slightly bewildered why I personally consider this work magnificent.

I'll let you know whether that appreciation goes up or down over the next five readings...;-)

Quite probably up....Easily in my personal 'Top 5'....but I want to know why??????!!!!!!!

JaneyV said...

Mithun - I think that this was incredibly brave of you and that you really pulled it off. I was right there with him burning in the sun, willing him to survive, terrified of the "stupid fucking bird". When you are that thirsty and close to death you can only think in single words.


Isn't that the most chilling thing about vultures?

Also I just wanted to mention the line Breathing stray grains of fire, which is not only beautiful but exactly what I imagine it fels like when sand is breathed into a desert-dry throat.

Good job!

Craig said...

The structure creates really brings the sense of delirium to life.

Nevine said...

Streaming, most definitely. The perfection lies in the stops and stutters of perfect words. Excellent!


Limpidus said...

The metamorphosis is vaguely detectable. Your short, spiky sentences were more like a fun ride with numerous brakes which makes you hold on to it lest you fall off it competely.

I held on to it. Throughout the brakes. I did not get how you project metamorphosis entirely but the feel was definately tangible.

Eagle and vultures? Nice pick. ;)

Chris Eldin said...

I love how you take us to the edge, mixing sanity with insanity. I felt right in the moment. And the line JaneyV pointed out is the one that caught me too. Beautiful and poetic.
Cleverly written.

Amias said...

This is my third read, forgot to comment. I like how you wrote this. Smooth, and it flows ... very poetic indeed.

Kartik said...

Despite not really getting into the mind of the author, I still appreciate the stream of the consciousness take here ... maybe a couple more reads needed!

laughingwolf said...

very creative approach...

kashers said...

Interesting experimental stuff that I suspect I'd appreciate more in performance.

Laurel said...

This captures the feeling of hopeless persistence, the dessicated misery of having to continue putting one foot in front of the other until you can't and the only reason you keep moving is because what is going to happen when you stop is worse.

And the detail about the cheek...makes you look bad. Awp.


catvibe said...

I have to say I really enjoyed how you chose to write this piece, word by word (as opposed to bird by bird :-) It was like even every thought was tedious, that's just how exhausted he was. Nice.

Anonymous said...

very original and I loved the style of this piece.

Melanie Odhner said...

Let me take a stab at this:
He would have made it to narvana if he hadn't killed the bird?

All in all, I'm jealous of this story. The style is fantastic and orriginal, main character is sympathetic even though I know nothing about them, and the layout gives the visual impression of flow and poetry in spite of the jagged quality of the story. Good job.

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

A very very different kind of attempt. Have seen it very first time.. * wondering whether i shud name it poetry or story*

It was deep indeed though not many can go that deeper :)

Very good job Mithun :)

Zlaek said...

What works for me is the sheer clarity, the definition, the fact that it is closely outlined. What doesn't work for me however, as a result of which it doesn't make a perfect piece is that the disjointedness doesn't serve its purpose, rendering the lines highly coherent, which ultimately steals from the overall effect. But I loved. Thank you. Chinmayee

Anonymous said...

not sure that i understood it completely but for sure amazing layout and style

james r tomlinson said...

Interesting format here. Still, I'm no so sure the story is clear. Guess I'd just like to have something to hang my hat on.

Deb Smythe said...

Staccato and poetic at once. Well-merged.

Anonymous said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like the new Starbucks paninis or the people over 35 who are exclusively on MySpace

Dottie (My Blog 2.0) said...

Great take on delusion, quiet poetic!!

Congrats on the H/M!

Dottie :)