Friday, January 08, 2010

Entry #55

The Bracelet
by Julie Klumb


I wanted it back.

I'd left the bracelet on a rock while I was swimming, and that bastard just swooped in and grabbed it.

It was stupid. The diamonds sparkled in the blinding sunlight. I probably should have known it would attract attention. But I didn't expect thievery in the middle of the woods.

Sliding my jeans over the dripping bikini, I remembered the first time I'd come here. Jason had told me he loved me and given me the bracelet. We skinny-dipped in the lake, knowing full well if someone caught us they'd call the cops. Neither of us cared though. We were young and in love.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. In three months, Jason and I were married. We visited the lake again and talked about how we'd camp here when the baby was old enough.

When Sophie was born, we thought our lives couldn't get any better. Sure, it was hard, but she lit up our world like nothing else ever had.

For four months.

Then one morning I went to get her from her crib. She looked like an angel, sleeping so peacefully, but she never woke up. Jason fell apart. He followed Sophie two weeks later.

The same amount of time between the bracelet and knowing she was inside me.

I grabbed my rifle from its perch and pointed it at the raptor circling overhead, diamonds sparkling from its talons. "Nobody steals my family," I whispered, squeezing the trigger.

27 comments:

Sarah Laurenson said...

Very well done. I love the slow reveal of how much the bracelet means to her.

If I didn't already know what the pciture was, I'm not sure I would've guessed bird thief until you said it.

Bernita said...

You've created a terrific character.

strugglingwriter said...

Very nice job Julie. I hope the narrator ate raptor for dinner that night.

Paul

Janel said...

Wonderful build up of tension. Loved the strong character.

Leatherdykeuk said...

What devastating backstory!

pjd said...

After finishing this story, I love love love love the first line.

J.C. Montgomery said...

The first line is everything as its meaning encompasses much more than getting the bracelet back.

Excellent!

Nevine said...

What a compelling personality! Unforgiving and indomitable. Very well written. And I'm with J.C. about that first line...

Nevine

JaneyV said...

Julie you have created a formidable character here. I admire her balls and determination in the face of such heartbreaking loss. Yes she wants it back - she wants it all back. And who of us could blame her?

Well done.

Aimee Laine said...

Shoot that bird! I'd want my bracelet back too.

Craig said...

Heartwrenching. That took some major skill to build up such a detailed back story in the alloted words.

Kartik said...

Wow ... this is a fantastic character!

Lena said...

It is so tough to lose one's family especially when everything was so beautiful I loved how you have shown us the true meaning of the bracelet. You created a great character here.

SzélsőFa said...

like pjd said, that first line had a completely different athmosphere after having read the whole story. I like how her strong feelings are revealed step by step.

laughingwolf said...

very nice...

Aniket said...

Superb character development. I loved how the story unravels. With each line making us feel more and more for the character.

And to have done it all in 250 words. Excellent work!

catvibe said...

I could feel the urge to blow the bird away, well done! Great story, but utterly sad.

Chris Eldin said...

Ditto what others have said about the first line. Very tightly written, with perfect amount of tension.

kashers said...

As with the best of stories, what you don't say is heard with as much power as what you did. As per example, you don't underline Jason's mode of death. For me, the 'silence' of his suicide roared out.

Congratulations for writing such a skilfully crafted piece.

Laurel said...

Okay. Wow. Okay.

1) I cannot believe what a huge story you packed into 250 words without shortshrifting the emotional impact.

2) Thankyouthankyouthankyou. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for presenting this through the filter of anger over the bracelet. I could not take it without that spacer.

3)This is stellar.

Great, great job.

SusanKMann said...

What a fantastic and emotional filled story. That is amazing, to have that impact in so little words.

Excellent work.

Susan x

Terri said...

I really like the gutsy ending, so filled with determination.
Actually, I should mention that I really like the beginning, too. It grabs the attention rather well :)

Jean Ann Williams said...

I. Like. Her.

This character is great. If this were the opening of a novel, you'd have me hooked.

Great, just great!

Nice writing, BTW.

Jean Ann

Rabid Fox said...

Dark and heartbreaking. A good one.

Deb Smythe said...

I thought the tight, spare prose really matched the MC's personality. Nice job.

james r tomlinson said...

Your narrative balances just enough anger with her plot for revenge.

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Cheers,
Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like Sarah Palin's hair or the enigmatic career of Justin Timberlake.