Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Entry #6

Bird Brain
by Four Dinners


A large crow settled on the skylight and peered down onto the scene below.

The Mortician looked at the body on the slab. He frowned and looked at his assistant.

“Where is his left leg?” he asked

“According to the report” she answered, “it was torn off when he was hit by the blades of a forklift truck in the warehouse where he worked when a crow flew in and distracted the driver.”

“And his right leg?” enquired the Mortician.

“He fell off the ledge of the warehouse door after being hit by the forklift truck. An articulated lorry reversing onto the door removed his right leg” explained the assistant, "apparently the crow flew into the cab windscreen and distracted the lorry driver as well."

“I see” said the Mortician, “and what of his left arm?”

“The report says” she continued, “he lost that whilst trying to move his injured right leg, after the fall, from the wheels of the articulated lorry. It took both his left arm and right leg off”

“Oh dear” said the Mortician, “and his right arm?”

“The report states that he attempted to use his right arm to climb back into the warehouse. Unfortunately the lorry continued to reverse and severed his right arm as it reached the door”

“Poor soul” said the Mortician, “and in what capacity was he employed in this warehouse?”

“He was the Health and Safety Manager"........

The large crow let out a squawk and flew off into the night.

60 comments:

Aniket said...

Hahaha! You've got my vote for sure old bean. About time they realized that working in a warehouse is no rosy business. :)

Thanks for the good laughs!

Bernita said...

Naughty.

Chris Eldin said...

AHAHAHAHAH! This is very good. LOL!

Leatherdykeuk said...

*laughs*
Excellent!

Four Dinners said...

Ta for the input chaps...and chapesses...

If I told you this was based on reality...minus the bird...I wonder if you'd believe me?

Welcome to Heathrow Airport...

Sarah Laurenson said...

Hahahaha. Well done.

Amias said...

This was very funny, in a morbid way.

Kate said...

LOL! It reminded me of some of the funnier episodes of X-Files.

Craig said...

I love how the mortician just takes it all in his stride.

Karen said...

Ha! This is great!

Four Dinners said...

Thank you Sarah. If you take away the bird it is actually a true story. I was there as well....oh eck

Amias - I try to laugh sometimes. I didn't like the the person in the story I admit but this was Karma extraordinaire!!!

Kate - If you worked at Heathrow the X-Files wouldn't even touch it!

Craig - He did didn't he? I'm impressed with myself. Cheers old bean!

Karen - Will you marry me?..oh yeah...I'm married already..oh well...;-)

catvibe said...

Hysterical! I'm laughing loudly and broadly and widely and with great gratitude for this wonderful writing!

pjd said...

As a good health and safety manager, clearly he was trying to claw his way back into the office to file his report. Nicely done.

Mayur said...

Whoa. Totally unexpected and yet a fun read. :)

Kartik said...

Super duper! The perils of being diligent at your work!

Missy said...

Eeek! I'm cringing and laughing, such a strange sensation. This is great.

Lena said...

Wow! This seriously is great :)
Can't stop laughing! Well done.

SzélsőFa said...

somewhere along the third question of the Mortician I started to laugh. Then kept giggling all the way. Does it make me naughty?
The ending is sort of obvious, yet it is not. Anyway. Well done.

Tara said...

Ha! Nice!

Michelle H. said...

Hee-hee! Morbid and funny. Now this is my style! Great technique.

wrath999 said...

Wow, creepy good!

Tessa said...

Talk about being discombobulated! Frightfully good, old bean.

Chris Allinotte said...

Really, really funny.

Reminded me a little of the old "That's good / That's bad" stories, but in this case, it was all bad, or should I say wicked? The dry delivery of the mortician sells it.

Tremendous job.

Anonymous said...

That made me laugh. :D

Terri said...

Morbidly funny; it's all in the delivery, eh? Well done :-)

Sury said...

Simply Awesome. one of the best.

Four Dinners said...

Good grief! Where did you all come from? It'll take another 250 words to say 'Hi' to you all.

Thank you so much for the positive feedback.

I'm not a natural writer - in the sense of thinking about it.

Just like the last comp I kind of wrote the first thing that the picture sent into my head.

I'm so chuffed you like it - and please don't be afraid to critisise me on anything - technique etc etc etc.

I'm a novice you know and I'd appreciate any constuctive critisicm....

I can't spell offended...er...oops...I just did...;-)

Thanks peeps - one and all

Beth Harar said...

Love the irony.

laughingwolf said...

lol too funny!

adrienne trafford said...

i really laughed at this...so i guess that makes me kind of sick in the mind with all the severed body parts...and then i went to your blogs and laughed so more (a whole lot more) so thanks for that!

Aimee Laine said...

Oh such fun! Poor guy, but great for a laugh! I could see this one becoming a future joke ... "Did you hear the one about the man who ... " :)

Preeti said...

HAHAHAHA... so sad... (Gosh why am I laughing???)... poor poor man... :-)))
Such a refreshing change after a lot of seriously intense reads...
although, i must say it is certainly not light. and i ought to ashamed of myself for laughing my guts out... (giggles)...
so naughty you are... :-)
and the ending with the squawking crow and all... DAMN... HAHAHAHA!!!

(I wonder if this makes me morbid......) :-)))))

I LOVED THIS TOTALLY!!!! :-)))
(definitely one of my top 5s)

kashers said...

An okay, if predictable gag, but to me it's not a story.

Sorry to be negative, but as everyone else hasn't been, I'm sure you can live with one ol' git's misery.

Lee Hughes said...

Hilarious, great piece!

Four Dinners said...

kashers - thanks mate...I was beginning to feel immortal here! Do me a favour eh? Gimme a critique from your perspective. I'm keen to learn. Wasn't meant as a 'gag' you ol' git....help me out here mate!

Everyone else...thank you for the compliments. Did me best. Not a 'natural writer' but I do what I do.

Glad you enjoyed.

kashers? gimme a decent critique here mate...that's what I'm after mate!!!!

J. Randick said...

What an excellent ending! Fun to read, fun to imagine.

J. Randick

Anonymous said...

It didn't take me long to: "piece this one together." --JR

Ugggh! My word verfication is "handi."

Laurel said...

Wickedly funny! Grisly humor at its finest.

Awesome! Thanks.

Selestial said...

This made me chuckle, which today is saying something.

Good job :)

Stephen Hill said...

Beautiful build. My smirk turned to a smile, which then turned to big laugh. Thanks for it...and great job.

Nothingman said...

Stranger things have happened Mr. D and I'm sure you will tell us about them in next contest ;)
I love the multiple dismemberment and how everyone is finding it funny :D

Rock n' Roll :D

N

illyriataylor said...

ahahaha! sick and wrong in all the right places

Anonymous said...

Wonderfully morbid and ironic. You strike the right balance between the grotesque and the dry wit of the mortitian who has seen it all. I would love to read a whole novel about this mortitian and other bizarre scenes.

David Blanton

Four Dinners said...

I can say no more than thank you for the positive feedback.

Apart from kashers who -

A) Doesn't appear to have entered the comp and...to me personally..

B) Hasn't come back with a constructive critism..sm...sm..oops..pissed again...

Come on kash!!! I can take it!!! I ain't a writer!!!

I'd like to be...as would many others here.

Slag my effort off by all means but at least be constructive mate!!

Ta for yer views peeps.

There's more to come from me.

Now that is a worry...;-)

jason evans said...

Sorry, Four Dinners. At the time, I thought Kashers was one of your friends and left the edgier comment alone. Kashers has left many respectful comments since. Perhaps he was just getting his bearings on Friday. I would have preferred to see a more constructive comment than what is basically dismissive.

stacy said...

This is hliarious! Clearly this guy did something to piss off that crow. : )

truevoid said...

i was expecting some kind of twist in the end but you got me, indeed funny!

Kurt Hendricks said...

If I may impart some modest criticism: it would have been a bit funnier, in my opinion, if he had lost his final limb trying to retrieve the third severed limb.

Wow, that really makes me sound like a cold-hearted SOB, eh?

Well done, though. Isn't Homer Simpson a Health and Safety Inspector?

angel said...

Oh how I love such black humour!!

Harish said...

I just chuckled at someone's misery! The same sequenced would have evoked extreme pain or shock, if worded differently. Just goes on to show how different POVs affect the truth. :)

Rabid Fox said...

If nothing else, this delivered a decent punchline. I thought this was an okay tale, and it was interesting you took such a comedic route after using the Silhouette graphic for inspiration. That alone sets this apart from most.

My Blog 2.0 (Dottie) said...

Dark, delicious, hilarity!

Loved it!

Dottie :)

J. M. Poirot said...

hahaha, thanks for that great ending. My favorite part, a mortician saying "Oh dear." I LOVED that. I could just hear it. great opening line too.

Beth said...

Absolutely LOVED this.

MHPayne said...

Comedy is hard:

But this flows out smooth and effortless. And considering the darkish tone of most entries--mine included--I've found myself gravitating toward the lighter ones. Definite top 10 from me!

Mike

McKoala said...

OMG! Bloodthirsty but hilarious.

Deb Smythe said...

Talk about a tough day at the office. Thanks for the laugh.

Jane said...

LOL how ironic..good stuff!

Kathleen A. Ryan said...

Thanks for the entertaining story!

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Cheers,
Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like the merits of Mafia Wars or whether Katie Holmes should demand a divorce