Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Entry #5

Feathered Concerto
by Michelle Hickman


“Silence, oh you mocking birds!”

I hear them flying overhead, your calls painful in my heart. Wings beat upon my head, causing my feet to stumble. Let not your dirge strike fear into my soul. I cast you out! I cast you out!

The stones cut into my bare soles, telling me I’m alive. But who cares? I may be, but she is not. Gone. Her life more fleeting than the downdraft keeping the feathered one aloft. Oh, how I wish I could seek such eternal sleep. Yet the violin case bangs into my thigh, urging onward. Keep going. Almost there.

A short distance as straight as the crow flies.

Autumn leaves flash a bit of white nearby. My knees buckle. There she is. My sweet one. Stark. Cold. Flesh picked clean by the scavengers perched among tree limbs. Feathers drift downward to become her funeral shroud covering her bones, shielding her nakedness.

Let me play a bit of something for you.

The violin rests on my shoulder. The bow slides across the strings. Our song drifts throughout this desolate place. The notes echo against the cliffs. Was it only last month when we walked along here? Yes, it was last month, during our argument, when the heat of our anger caused my arms to thrust out.

You fell. You screamed your last aria.

I play our song. Cry out, you mocking birds! Join in with my requiem. Let your voices reach the heavens where my sweet now resides.

44 comments:

catvibe said...

Nice! The music is sweet!

Bernita said...

It's not easy to maintain this type of tone (and with it reveal character) and you did it very, very well.

Four Dinners said...

Wow! Now that is well written.

Amias said...

Dark, but delicious. Loved the music.

Missy said...

I love the poetic rythym between romantic paragraphs and short phrases of stark reality.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Such sorrow!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Very haunting. Well done. I love the slow reveal.

Chris Eldin said...

Ditto Sarah. I loved being led along and not quite sure of where the end would be. Nicely written.

Aniket said...

It is most difficult to hold the reader in that tight grip throughout the piece and feel the inner turmoil of a character. Expertly written.

Aerin said...

MICHELLE!!! Hello my dear! Yay for you! (Especially because I thought maybe you would be going for humorous). Nicely done!

Michelle H. said...

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your kind words. I usually do go for humorous, or at least a twist ending, but I decided to go with sounds this time with the violin and the "mocking" birds.

Carrie said...

This is really, really good Michelle. I am very pleased with your take on the picture.

Craig said...

An impressive piece, I loved the flow. Also enjoyed how different things pull the protagonist back to reality while others set his mind wandering across memories.

pjd said...

I love love love the melodramatic voice in this; it holds the whole thing together. The language is beautiful and graphic, the story complete. Outstanding.

Kartik said...

Wow! I loved how the musical notes intersperse with the swirling emotions!

Lena said...

Very powerful and poetic. Amazing take.

Tara said...

Unbelievable job on the rhythm. Great, great writing.

wrath999 said...

Cool. A very enjoyable read.

JaneyV said...

Gorgeously Gothic. I enjoyed this very much.

Tessa said...

Wonderful rhythm. This is a seriously clever piece...wow!

Terri said...

This is beautifully written. Lovely and dramatic (I fully expected Romeo or MacBeth to appear somewhere near the beginning!)

laughingwolf said...

another one very well done, michelle :)

Krunal Palande said...

two words 'Dark Harmony'

Beth Harar said...

A very unique, but effective voice. Nice job.

maybe genius said...

I do love a good Gothic piece. Nicely done.

austere said...

Haunting.
Specially that "last aria".

Michelle H. said...

Thank you everyone!

"Dark Harmony?" I think I prefer that as the title rather than what I have now.

I wanted Gothic for this piece. The monotone colors of the photo urged me to write the character going through inner turmoil. Don't know why I went Shakespeare for a line or two.

Aimee Laine said...

Eeery. Don't want to walk near him! ;)

Preeti said...

Phew...
almost reminded me of Lestat with the violin.
cold yet fiery and passionate. chilling yet warmly remorseful.
dark hatred yet pure white love...

the verses ... lyrical, almost wailing... like vespers...
the journey till the end ...edge of the seat anticipation...
the end ... twisted and sinfully dark...

Wow. wow.

kashers said...

Saw it almost as a trailer for something like the black-and-white version of Wuthering Heights... so, very Gothic.

That'll teach her to fall for a violinist! :)

Ayodele Morocco-Clarke said...

Sorrow does inspire the most divine music. This made a lovely read.

Lee Hughes said...

Brilliant, so dark and poetic.

"You fell. You screamed your last aria."

Laurel said...

I like the sound imagery in this piece a lot. The narrator seems pursued by sound and guilt to me but I can't quite put my finger on what part of the wordbuilding accomplishes this. Nicely done!

angel said...

Bucking Frilliant!!

Michelle H. said...

Again, Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your kind words, especially for such a simple piece. It's not an involved plot, but I hoped I could add a lot of feeling in with so few descriptions.

illyriataylor said...

feathers as a funeral shroud, great bit there

stacy said...

I too love the melodramatic tone of the character. And of course I liked the music bits.

truevoid said...

so much anguish and music. like krunal said a 'Dark Harmony'. nicely written.

Rabid Fox said...

A few of the words choices came off as clunky to me, but I liked the style of this piece. It fitted the scene, in my opinion. And the ending came off nicely.

My Blog 2.0 (Dottie) said...

Very Poeish, dark and brooding!

Dottie :)

Harper said...

I was hoping the birds would accidentally force him off the cliff...Unfeeling, but compulsive: I pushed you off a cliff, but hey, look, I'm back to play your favorite melody...or even spookier...he stops playing and an aria arises....he goes to look...KABAM...head first down the cliff...as is (without catering to my wishes) it was well done...maybe providing the requiem is all that should be required of him

james r tomlinson said...

I hear Evanescence playing in the background. This story has attitude.

Deb Smythe said...

Wow! This is like an illicit sweet. Sweet and beautiful on the outside, dark and dangerous on the inside.

Jane said...

very poetic