Thursday, July 22, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #22

For Laure-Alda, from Francis
by Jade Leone Blackwater

If we awoke
clasped in sunlight
and found that the lump in my throat
had burst and broken
birthed a trinity of gemstones
to my dune grass pillow
would you cradle the tokens
to your nose as dew drops in the palm
watch colors radiate along our wrinkles,
remember our love for what dazzles,
burns us with brilliance?

Would you join me at the gorge
gulp turpentine and cinnamon wind
knock the sharp, sacred clap
which calls the rainbow-scaled fish-sage who,
in his high lip-pop dialect,
whispers “Only when the moon is dark,”
until the incantations crack
open our skull caps
into which we’d drop jewels
as cherries to dish, wait
for the western orb to reach the zenith
blaze its beam down and scoop us both moonward?


Michael Morse said...

I have no right to comment on poetry,because I know next to nothing about it, but I do know what I like, and I like this a lot.

It had the strength to transport me into the middle of it, and the line about the lump in my throat, well, it put a lump in my throat.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I really liked the concept of this-sort of reminded me of chasing a dream.

Peter Dudley said...

The language is undeniably beautiful, and the images you create with such sensual detail are breathtaking. But I gotta admit, I don't really understand what it's about. I have an interpretation but don't think it's right.

jelismorgan said...

Wow, this was so poignant and wistful. Very strong imagery and I love the fantastical element.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Wonderful word play and imagery. I love how you put words together and create something much more than the sum of the parts.

Having trouble finding the story in two long questions though.

Katherine Tomlinson said...

Lovely language. You weave a spell with your words.

Jade L Blackwater said...

@Michael Morse - I'm truly flattered, and glad you enjoyed it. Thank you.

@Oddyoddyo13 - thank you. I draw a lot of inspiration from my dreams.

@Peter Dudley - thank you. And if it helps, this is one in a series of love letters - I'm writing them to better understand these two characters who appear in a longer work of fiction. Still, it's ok if your interpretation is different from mine. I like it when readers see things in my poetry that I don't see while writing.

@jelismorgan - kind thanks. If I'd had more time, I might have painted a picture to go with... maybe I can make some time...

@Sarah Laurenson - thank you. A little secret: the story actually came first. I wrote the fiction, and then extracted the most important points for this poem.

@Katherine Tomlinson - many thanks, I had fun writing this.

Thanks again to all who read and responded - I appreciate the critiques and the compliments alike.


Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Jade!

Nice word play, really long question! Love the imagery!

Dottie :)

Deb Smythe said...

Beautiful use of language.

Joni said...

Gorgeous language! I loved swimming in it.

bekbek said...

I like this quite a bit. I do feel a story in it; like a much-richer version of someone finding a way to ask, "Do you love me as I love you?" The details are the expression, both of the love and of the doubt. Nicely done!

AidanF said...

I enjoyed the images in this poem. My favorite is: "gulp turpentine and cinnamon wind".

JaneyV said...

Beautiful language and gorgeous imagery. This had a distinctly magical feel to it.

Laurel said...

watch colors radiate along our wrinkles

I love that line.

Also, this read to me like a lyrical alternative to the sentiment in The Beatles' When I'm Sixty-Four.

Catherine Vibert said...

I loved "Join me at the gorge, gulp turpentine and cinnamon wind..." Love that romantic description of the beginning of relationship. You don't know where you are going, there is good, bad, spicy, but you are going there together. Very romantic, very beautiful. Love as a jewel that can not be described in the light but "Only when the moon is dark", but we wait for those moments of rapture to lift us up into the light. Just a gorgeous, excruciatingly romantic jewel of a poem.

Precie said...

Beautiful! Has a lovely timeless quality!

Vincent Kale said...

I loved the balance of romance and the beauty of natural landscapes. Your words wove the two together until they were blended, inseparable in my mind.

To me, this poem seemed like an interpretation of a particularly vivid painting. There were enough concrete details to ground the reader, but it was abstract to the point of allowing multiple interpretations.

Beautiful piece!

Michelle Davidson Argyle said...

I like this a lot! I love poetry, and you've done well here, especially with your line breaks. Very effective. I like your imagery, especially the cherries dropping.

Jade L Blackwater said...

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and feedback. I truly appreciate your responses - thank you for reading.