Saturday, July 24, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #40

Waiting
by Angela A


I lay, waiting.

Beside me, my sisters take in the sun. They sigh luxuriously, glad to be swimming in fresh air once again, glad to be away from where we have been hidden for so long. They do not care if we are found, but I know. Someone is coming for us.

The straw prickles at our backs, but we do not worry for the sake of our beauty. All these years of life have not taken their toll on us; how could simple grass do any damage?

The feeling grows hotter, and I smile to myself. Yes, someone is coming, and they will soon be here.

Within moments, a traveler appears on the road. He looks weary, poor, down on his luck. I can smell his desperation; it will work perfectly to our advantage. As he approaches, my sisters and I reveal ourselves. We are stunning in our radiance, deceptively pure. He can do nothing but stare. Yes, this one will be easily manipulated. This one will do quite well.

The traveler takes us reluctantly, as though he can feel the evil that seeps from our cores. The temptation is simply too great for him to resist. We are slipped quickly into the pocket of his cloak. Even there, we gleam in triumph. Red as malice, green as spite, white as deceit. We glow with the fire of our compromised souls.

28 comments:

September said...

How interesting. At first I didn't realize the stones were the personas and my mind was going different places. Very clever. Nicely done. Loved the imagery of the weary traveler.
"We are stunning in our radiance, deceptively pure." <-- great line.
In fact, several great lines.
And that ending - beautiful. Great job.

Sarah Laurenson said...

I love the slow reveal, how it was building throughout. Wonderful premise.

But we've only just started the story. More please.

Peter Dudley said...

Nicely written.

A pet peeve of mine is the confusion around lie/lay. First sentence should be I lie, waiting. Sorry, I know that's not terribly helpful, but somehow it gets under my skin every time I hear it. It doesn't help that my kids get it wrong all the time.

A good description lies at KU.edu.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Your POV was cleverly hidden--not easy to do. Good job.

Precie said...

So..."I lay" at the beginning was a hint that the narrator was a personified object, something that would normally be laid down by someone else? It's a difficult POV to pull off---nicely done!

Rohan said...

Nicely done!
The surity of someone coming for them is well portrayed.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

There it was! That moment of "oooh!" I was waiting for. I loved that you went completely away from what I was assuming.

Aimee Laine said...

Interesting choice of POV. Has to be the most unique one so far! :)

Shona Snowden said...

I like this one; very crafty in all good senses of the word.

Aniket said...

Very clever indeed. And like Aimee I too find it most unique. Didn't see it coming at all. It was lip-smackingly delicious read.

Lee said...

I believe one of those gems is my ex-wife.

Angel Zapata said...

Excellent POV. And a last line to die for.

Jade L Blackwater said...

Very cool - I love the revelation at the end, and the imagery of the jewel-sisters slowly warming with sun and anticipation!

Hilary said...

The beginning of something bigger I think. Nicely done

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Angela

When I first started reading this, I immediately thought of Faulkner's "As I lay, dying".... I lay, waiting... Cool! A nasty bit of something these three sisters are! And the poor traveler, he knew he shouldn't, but who could resist?

Dottie :)

akika said...

I love the connection of the colours with traits. Particularly the 'white as deceit'. Lovely.

Deb Smythe said...

Nice job!
I played with the idea of souls trapped in the gems but couldn't come up with anything decent.

Lewis J Peters said...

Great concept, great execution.

SzélsőFa said...

and some say stones are not alive....
great, unusual idea, neatly done.

Laurel said...

I like this one a lot, and "unearthed" has chewy layers here. Agree with what others have said about the colors of the stones.

I also like the notion that the traveler can sense the sentient malevolence of the stones.

I'd love to know how they came to be and what's going to happen.

This story is a whetting stone...leaves one with the appetite for more. Get it? (Sorry. Getting a bit punchy trying to play catch up!)

JaneyV said...

I thought this was really good. Really. Good. I love that the maliciousness and intent were wrapped up in the beauty of the stones. The twist was spot on!

Well done!

Chelle818 said...

Like the take on the photo. Clever. Some really great lines. Love the association with the colors. But it feels more like the start of something. If I didn't have the image of the photo in mind when reading I would've been confused...

Vincent Kale said...

Very unique interpretation and you do it in such a way that builds tension until the final reveal. I like the characteristics assigned to each sister stone as well. And I'm a big fan of the "unearthed" or "mined" theme in these stories. Very entertaining!

Michael Morse said...

I liked the way the whole thing cane together, it appeared to me that this was as much fun to write as it was to read.

Angela A said...

Thanks for all the great comments, guys!! Ive been on vacation with no wifi this whole week, so it was an awesome surprise to come back to so much wonderful encouragement :) love the ocntest

Michelle Davidson Argyle said...

Ah, directly related to the picture. Very nice! You did a great job revealing this at the end.

Michelle Davidson Argyle said...

Oh, and quite the mental picture I got of three sisters "revealing" themselves to the man, haha. Nice job. :)

Catherine Vibert said...

This one truly rocked (no pun intended). I had to read the last paragraph 3 times before it dawned on me. That's how wrapped up I was in the three seductive sirens imagery you had set up. Great job! And fun, loved it!