Saturday, July 24, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #39

The Maker
by Timothy P. Remp


The stench of rot and decay clung to the doll maker’s workbench. He ran his stained fingers through his thick curly hair and judged his work with a critical eye.

She was beautiful.

She had curly auburn hair, pouty lips—he couldn’t see the stitches--- and feathery eyelashes hiding her –stitched-- emerald eyes.

He adorned her in a flowing gown of alabaster, trimmed with white and rose ruffles, white stockings, and shiny buckled shoes. A dark velvet choker concealed the stitched gash from where droplets of rubies had tumbled.

Candlelight dance-shadows bequeathed a semblance of life to her stiff body.

“I love you,” he uttered, surprising himself how easily the words escaped his lips. He could never before say them to her.

He ignored the banging at the door of his shop. Someone screamed; someone cried out her name.

This is our moment, our private moment.

From his pocket, he retrieved a red felt box and knelt before her. He smiled as he opened it. A diamond ring sparked. “Be mine," he whispered and slid the ring on her rigid finger.

The door burst open. The Constable and his men rushed inside. A woman cried, “My daughter! My daughter!”

The doll maker turned to the crowd, holding his bride’s cold hand and smiled. “I made this.”


(Timothy P. Remp is a member of New England Horror Writers (NEHW) with a pending membership to the Horror Writer's Association (HWA). He has had several book reviews, flash and short stories published in both on-line and print publications including Shroud #7. He has won Honor Mention in the Writer's Digest Competition of 2009 for his original Dr. Who spec script, "Shadows of Chronopolis" and in the Clarity of Night’s ‘Silhouette’ short fiction contest 2010 with "Beyond the Nest." Currently, he is working on his bachelor's degree in English at UNH while working full time for Fairpoint Communications.)

25 comments:

Aerin said...

Gepetto he ain't.

Watch the repetition of the word "stitched" - it detracts from an otherwise effectively creepy story.

Chumplet - Sandra Cormier said...

I liked the ruby droplets. Stitched eyes gave me a Coraline flashback.

Horribly nice!

September said...

Ohhh, another bloody story but done so nicely. I didn't mind the stitched word becuase it kept me seeing a doll he was making - I thought he was using human skin or something - until the pounding on the door. Now her choker made sense -- very clever:
A dark velvet choker concealed the stitched gash from where droplets of rubies had tumbled.
Repuslive yet beautiful

Sarah Laurenson said...

*shudder* Creepy in the extreme. How wonderful. Love the rubies, not so much the emeralds. I can't figure out why he would stitch her eyes shut. But maybe I don't want to know. :-)

Peter Dudley said...

Very dark. Very sad.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I agree with Aerin on the word "stitched." What I do like is how you portrayed the doll maker, how his world seems perfect even when the Constable and the mother rush in. Well written, evenly paced story. Good job.

pegjet said...

Tim, you rock. This is vivid, chilling and a definite contender.

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

Nice job, Tim. Glad to see you here. This is creepy stuff, and I mean that in the best possible way. :-)

Rohan said...

Super!
The 'doll-maker' needs help.
Or maybe he doesn't.. :)

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Chilling. That was such an interesting way to go...very well done.

Aimee Laine said...

Very, very, very creepy. Good job!

Shona Snowden said...

*shudder* Brilliantly gruesome.

Aniket said...

I wrote a similar piece an yr back (http://foolishnessofthings.blogspot.com/2009/05/mr-perfect.html) which is one of my fav. works of mine. So you can understand my instant liking to this one. Its eerie and creepy. I know I have push this into my top 5 somehow. Now, to how many entries I've said that already. Umm. Four I guess. It never is an easy task!

Angel Zapata said...

I could see where this was headed, but had fun getting there.

Jade L Blackwater said...

Gruesome from the get-go, and I feel like you've really completed the profile on the doll maker.

Michael Morse said...

I hate to admit it, but that was quite fun.

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Timothy

I'll never look at a doll shop again in the same way.... verra verra creepy!!

Dottie :)

Deb Smythe said...

Yikes! Now I'm going to have creepy dolls coming to life dreams:)

Deb Smythe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joni said...

Creepy! I liked it.

Laurel said...

So icky! I've always found dolls a bit creepy anyway so from the get-go I had the feeling this was not going to end well.

The vivid color descriptions and the accelerated pace give a nice lead up to the end. I also liked how it starts from a distance, objectified, then the dollmaker's attachment to his "work" comes in to the picture, and finally she is revealed as someone's daughter.

SzélsőFa said...

this mad definitely is in need of help. i liked how the surroundings, a complete backstory are given by only a few hints here and there.
like this one surprising himself how easily the words escaped his lips. He could never before say them to her.

JaneyV said...

Tim - this was brilliantly told in a creepy, gruesome, horrible kind of way.

Vincent Kale said...

Super creepy (loved it)! What sealed it for me was that very last line. The calm, cool reaction of the Maker made me shudder. It was a very "Ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti" moment. I could almost see the pride in his face. Excellent!

J. Elis Morgan said...

True horror and so well done!