Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #53

The Skullmash Mountains Open
by Whirlochre


The Hotsy Potsy Ogres stilled their breath.

With a hole in one, their chieftain could win them fame, fortune, makeovers.

Anything else, and it would be lunch with a fearsome dragon: the whole tribe in a single panini (or goulash).

Stinkgrunt Bendycock thundered into the arena, his breath the halitosis fog of a champion, his expression proclaiming, I ready to win win win.

With lives, honour, and full body massages at stake, Stinkgrunt eyed up the target. As the hobbit bladder bagpipe wail of trussed, almost musical, goblins lifted the flaps of the enormous mountainside teepee, he sank low and dangled his Shiny Shiny from the flaps of his chequered loincloth.

The gems twinkled against the panorama of ogre bodies like dewdrops on an impossibly ugly scrotum. Hung in the air, swinging left, swinging right, their multi-faceted forms seemed the perfect metaphor for the moment: truly, this could go either way.

Cheered on by a roar from the gathered Hotsy Posty, Stinkgrunt gave his pelvis a series of ballistic thrusts — forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards — till the gemstones caught the air like barbs on a spiked flail. Thwack, thwack, thwack, they went — hard against the cleft in his backside, hard to either side of his navel (but never right in, for he was a master). With a final shunt reminiscent of the night he sired a dozen sons, the gems hurtled from his loincloth.

Hurtled...

and hurtled...

and hurtled...

towards the parrot’s open maw...

...

...

...(!)

and missed.

27 comments:

Peter Dudley said...

Pure Whirly perfection. I am speechless with metaphors unspeakable.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Loved the names! LoL! This sounded exactly like an ogre.

Precie said...

Lmao!! Speechless with laughter.

Robin B. said...

Oh my God - this is fabulous! The names are freaking perfect for the story, in oh so many ways.

And this just knocked me out -
Hung in the air, swinging left, swinging right, their multi-faceted forms seemed the perfect metaphor for the moment: truly, this could go either way.

Aerin said...

Absolute Whirly perfection. The only thing that would make it better is to hear you read it aloud.

(Well, okay, it could also be made better by having a glass of wine while I read it.)

(A glass of wine AND listening to you read it, that's the ticket.)

(In PERSON. Yeah, that would make it better.)

(Only if I get to wear striped socks while drinking wine and listening to you read it.)

(Orrrr if Geoff read it to me. While I drank Sock Monkey's best vintage. And you acted it out. Yes, yes, that would be perfect.)

word verification: snonesse I can't make this stuff up.

Erratic Thoughts said...

Lol!This was so much fun.I liked that hurtling end :D
Very well written.

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Whirlochre

I wouldn't want to be a panini or ghoulash...er...goulash. Excellent tale... a slightly scary fairytale fable. (could have ended sooo good, makeovers for everyone! LOL)

Dottie :)

McKoala said...

Hilarious stuff, hotsy. Brilliant ending. Crazy golf with a difference.

fairyhedgehog said...

fame, fortune, makeovers

I loved that line! Oh, and I'm with Aerin. I'd love to hear you reading this.

JaneyV said...

Whirl - what it must be like to live in your head. This is utterly priceless. I could picture every second of it. It's comedy genius.

Next voice thingy please read this! Puhleeeasseee!

Joni said...

"dangled his shiny shiny.."

best.line.ever.

B. Nagel said...

Right. So, on a mission trip to Chicago, we stayed in a high school, guys in one wing, girls in another.

There was a competition in the guys wing, after showers, to see who could produce the loudest clapping noises with just such a motion. For the rest of the week, the winner was called ThunderClap.

But, about your entry, I laughed my shinies off.

Laurel said...

Hell's bells. I am howling. Every line is funnier than the next. The names are brilliant, the stakes (massages?) are high, and somehow or another there is a good amount of tension.

And then. The "Mighty Casey has struck out" moment.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Sheer perfection.

Aniket said...

If you ever decide to make this into a novel, which will obviously make a fab movie (I can already picture a toy-line and a video game following it), I'll pre-order a copy straight away on the first day! If I were the Koala, I'd have straight away put you into the Koala Approves status. In fact I'd create a new status of Koala is Super-delighted. Its THAT good.

Shona Snowden said...

Aaaaniket! I've heard that it take serious bribes for the Koala to be that nice.

Aerin said...

Oh, Shona. You can't possibly know what kind of bribes the Koala takes.

Catherine Vibert said...

Thank you for the awesome humor, I'm giddy with delight! Love this world you set up, and the delicious language, and the perfect imagery. What a delight!

Whirlochre said...

Thanks for chirping in with your cheers on this one.

Just wish I could forgive myself for the double "flaps".

Bound to fall foul of Jason's two flaps and you're out rule.

Chris Eldin said...

OMG! Brilliant! So visual... but wishing I could get some of these visuals out of my head.
;-)

Deb Smythe said...

OMG, tears of laughter are blurring my eyes.

Phoenix said...

Makes me wish for a shiny shiny of my own. Sigh.

Sarah Laurenson said...

OMG

Pure, unadulterated Whirl!

No. It's too much. I can't stop laughing.

LOL

bekbek said...

HILARIOUS. I can't even imagine being this good. Wow!

Chumplet - Sandra Cormier said...

Hahaha! I can just see the sports announcers commenting on that one!

Hilarious and soooo vivid. Bravo, Whirly!

Vincent Kale said...

Ridiculous. And fantastic!
Nice to see some humor (53 entries and I think this is the second one that made me laugh). Everyone's so serious!

Thanks for the entertainment!

Katherine Tomlinson said...

All I can say is ahahahahaha. Thanks for the laugh. And I LOVE the title.

Michelle Davidson Argyle said...

Really nice!