Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Forties Club Finalist #54

The Vacation of a Lifetime
by Dottie Taylor

Three days on the beach and so far, all I've seen is the inside of my hotel room.

“Come on, baby.” I whine pacing the room, my body bikini clad.

“Go ahead, Juls.” The muffled response comes from behind the closed door.

“Aren't you feeling any better yet? It had to be the oysters.” I glance at the white walls, white bed, white carpeting. Possibly the most boring room in existence.

Ben retches, the toilet flushes.

“No... please, go. Enjoy yourself.” Water splashes as Ben groans.

“Okay,” I slip on a shear wrap, knotting it at my hips. “I'm just going to peek at the beach.” Sliding open the door, I lean out into the near dusk of the sea air, perfection. The Bahamas was our second chance. I shrug, his loss.

Grinning, I race down the steps to meet the rolling waves and the crystalline sand. The water greedily sucks at my toes as I squish sand between them. When the wave recedes, a ruby red stone is left in it's wake. As I bend down, a shadow falls across my body, then a thud and nothing.

Floating as if with the tide, my eyes find darkness. Wriggling my hands, I reach out and my fingertips brush a coarse texture, a splinter jabs the pad of my ring finger.

Screaming, terror rifles through me, no one can hear. My nails rip as I claw the moist wood, sand seeps in. Divorce Bahamian style.


Cecile said...

Very intriguing Dottie.. I did not see it going that way. Great job!

Peter Dudley said...

Oh. Bummer. I hope this is the beginning of a ghost story where she gets revenge.

If you're wearing a bikini when you die, does your ghost always wear a bikini for ever?

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Loved the last line. Haha, makes me laugh.

This was great-totally unexpected though!

Erratic Thoughts said...

"Divorce Bahamian style", whoa what an end!Most intriguing :)

fairyhedgehog said...

What a shocker of an ending! Great stuff!

McKoala said...

Great twist at the end!

SzélsőFa said...

i didn't see it coming. whoa :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...


Joni said...

Wow. What a sucky vacation.

Nice pacing. Great storytelling.

J. Elis Morgan said...

I'm thinking. . . she's in a wooden box (coffin?) which was sent out to sea? Perfectly horrifying and so well written. I liked the juxtaposition of the carefree beginning with the terror of the end!

Laurel said...

Awp. Had no idea what was coming. The ending hits like a freight train!

AidanF said...

I love the way this shifts underneath me. I saw the turning point as here: "The Bahamas was our second chance. I shrug, his loss." However, I loved the way the ending built on this becoming more and more surreal as she seems to come-to-terms with the end.

JaneyV said...

Wasn't there a Steely Dan song about that? Or was that one based in Haiti?

Terrific ending - really didn't see it coming, but then again, neither did she!

Aniket said...

@Pete: I'd love to write a story that starts from that very line. What I'd also love is have Ello talk about it.

I loved how you've described the surroundings here. It had a lovely flow to it all.

As for the end: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... but the men aren't so bad either. ;)

Deb Smythe said...

Talk about an ending that sneaks up. Wham! She got the worse of it for sure, but I'm not sure either of them were high up on the nice scale.

Nice job.

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Cecile!

Thanks for coming over and checking out my entry. Dang, it was a hard to write this one, LOL... lots of great entries though! I hope you get a chance to check out a few more!

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Peter!

LOL... your comment cracked me up... I guess it would stink being stuck in a bikini 24/7! Let's hope she's not perpetually bikini ridden and hopefully, wreaks some havoc of her own. I know she's going to be vengeful, here she thought they were going to work on their marriage and she ends up in a box, buried in sand, no hope of escape. Sucks.

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Oddyoddyo13

I couldn't resist with that last line, lol. When I saw the prompt, I knew I was going to write from the dark side. LOL

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Erratic Thoughts

Thanks, the rest of the story keeps wanting to come out, 250 words was hard this time!

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi fairyhedgehog (love you name!)

I think it was shocking to Juls too, lol... always wanted to visit the Bahamas... and look want happened.

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

@ McKoala, @ SzélsőFa, & @ Sameera

LOL, thanks, I tried to scare it up a little this time....

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...


I know, vacations are supposed to be fun... unless you spent in a car with 3 kids and a gripey husband... or in a box buried in the sand. Not good.

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi J.

Thanks, yep, she is in a wooden box, buried beneath the sand. The floating feeling is that feeling you get before you're awake.... but no longer asleep... if you know what I mean, lol. But, you know, if she was buried near enough to the ocean, she'd be floating for real...

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Laurel!

Loved you entry, very moving, inspiring!

Yep, it's that twist at the end that you kind of don't expect.

Thanks for coming over and reading!!

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Aidan!

Thanks, I tried to build in a warning that all might not to so great in paradise. LOL I was trying for a shocking, surreal quality. Hard to squeeze it into the 250 word limit.

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Janey!

Thanks for coming back to read!

I don't know a lot of Steely Dan songs besides Rikki Don't Lose That Number.... LOL Yikes... I guess I'll have to check it out!

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Aniket!

LOL... I'd like to read that story too! What a great line to start from!

I have to say I agree... Ben is evil..

Dottie :)

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Hi Deb!

Know I have to go and think about the backstory again... maybe it's her fault that the marriage is in the crapper to start with, LOL!

Dottie :)

Vincent Kale said...

I've re-read this a bunch of times because it's just that good.

I have hope that Juls (nice word play with her name by the way!) can make it out of her beach coffin a la Kiddo in "Kill Bill." She seems like a tough and pissed off chick!

JR's Thumbprints said...

Silly me. My original thought was that he jumped from the balcony and landed on her: "As I bend down, a shadow falls across my body, then a thud and nothing." In order to justify my thinking, I thought the splinters came from a wooden railing. Again, silly me. But creative, you must agree.

Michelle Davidson Argyle said...

Nice! This one is creepy and fun to read. I didn't see the end coming at all. :) It's definitely one that will get votes!

Catherine Vibert said...

Great! Wonderful and delicious writing, and I certainly did NOT see the end coming. It reminded me of Carl Hiassom in a way. Somehow she will live and come back to make his life completely miserable. heh heh.