Thursday, July 14, 2011

Entry #2

Twisted Fairytale
by Aimee Laine


The ground swelled from beneath sizzling, lava-coated earth. A keening moan silenced the chanting and sent a chill down my spine.

One hand—dirt-stained, blackened and tattered—pushed through the surface, clenching and releasing as if gasping for breath.

A scream built at the back of my throat, the stench of death and soaring temperatures burning the sensitive skin within.

Buzzing hums filled the space again, thousands singing out all at once.

My heart pounded in my chest. A harried screech of “No!” left blistered lips, the masses pressing me forward toward the bubbling hole.

With each step, death drew closer.

Perspiration snaked its way down my neck as a flame shot into the sky.

“I am not your sacrifice!” I pivoted left, racing down the length of the pulsing crowd, seeking even the most remote escape. Hands grappled for me, tearing at the last remnants of draping silk.

Scrambling backward, I slipped through the first wall of people.

That layer netted another.

A third pushed me forward in reverse.

At the fourth, I fell to my knees.

Hooves rumbled the earth, a white stallion breaking through the crowd. The rider’s hand reached for me and I him. Our connection made, I yanked him from the saddle.

Dazed blue eyes stared back at me from the ground. “But I’m the—here to save—”

My horse pawed the ground, whinnying as I mounted him.

“They only need one. This time, it’s your turn.”

46 comments:

Kelly said...

Loved this lil shorty, the ending was perfect, made me *snicker*! (^_^)

Joni said...

OH, DANG, sorry white knight, you got burned! (ha)

The strong, independent woman takes the day. Lovely (well, not for him) twist. I really enjoyed this.

Precie said...

Love the last line. Interesting twist, indeed. And great vivid description.

Cath Barton said...

I love the womanly strength in there - in the story and the writing.

Katherine Tomlinson said...

Never underestimate the power of a desperate woman. Great twist.

Aimee Laine said...

@Kelly : Thank you! I loved that it made you laugh!

@Joni : Yeah, sometimes the price has an #epicfail <-- as my son says.

@Precie : Thank you!

@Cath : I hoped the strength would show! Yeah!

@Katherine : Exactly! Never underestimate. :)

Jade L Blackwater said...

Nice reversal on the knight in shining armor:)

Mikki said...

Wow. That was just awesome. You packed such a punch in so few words. The beginning was seeped in suspense, but the irony at the end brought it home. I loved your character's attitude, too.

Thanks for sharing!

Aimee Laine said...

@Jade : Thank you! Just couldn't be cliche in this one ;)

@Mikki : Thanks! I wanted her to be tough and fight her way out. No way would she let Prince Charming get the credit for her escape. :)

Aniket said...

Aimee! What has gotten into you!

I remember your piece about the kid sitting on the backseat in the car. And then you slip this one by me.
I thought it'll be a feel good piece and then you threw in that ending. I guess, I was more shocked coz I've read quite a few of your pieces and was surely not expecting this. #FTW as some of my "younger" friends would say. :)

I love it when good girls turn bad. *wink wink*

fairyhedgehog said...

And I was feeling so sorry for the main character! Nice twist!

Catrina said...

You don't need a knight in shining armor; you just need his horse.

Excellent twist at the end. I chuckled.

Aimee Laine said...

@Aniket ; I KNOW! Totally not 'me', right? The end just had to happen like that though. I mean, it was born to be not a typical happily ever after. Couldn't write it any other way! :) :)

@fairyhedgehog : I LOVE knowing you were feeling sorry for her ... don't women surprise everyone in the end? ;)

@Catrina : Now we know who the truly loyal one is. ;) heehehehe :)

Craig said...

Loved it! Now we know why chivalry is dead ;-)

Peter Dudley said...

LOL @KT.

I guess I wasn't surprised by the twist because you announced it in the title. I will say, however, that we should not be so distracted by the twist that we miss how well written the descriptions are that lead up to it. Can't sell a punchline without a good buildup, and this has a good buildup.

Aimee Laine said...

@Craig : Thank you! And there you go! Now you know! ;)

@Peter : Thank you very much for the wonderful compliment on the writing! :)

Wendy said...

Gotta love a twisted fairytale! :)

Aimee Laine said...

Oh! @Wendy! You and I posted at the same exact time. :) Many thank yous for loving a twisted fairytale! :)

Catvibe said...

LOL! I love the twisted ending on this 'twisted fairytale' (indeed). Wonderful Aimee!

bluesugarpoet said...

Great idea! Love the ending, of course. :) Perfect build up to an unexpected result! ~jana

Aimee Laine said...

@Catvibe : Thank you! Was fun spinning the traditional tale in a different way. ;)

@bluesugarpoet : Thank you! I love the ending, too! :) hehehehehe

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

White saving knight? Not so much! Loved "But I'm the-here to save-..." I guess not!

Dottie :)

Chris Allinotte said...

Fantastic take. I love the firm, sudden switch from victim to sacrifice(-er??)

Fairy tale is right. Well done.

SzélsőFa said...

after having read the comments i re-read the entry and it all came clear. nice wording, and what an unexpected, funny twist :)

Aimee Laine said...

@Dottie : I love that line, too. I really wanted him to believe he is what he is and for us to know what he is supposed to be without saying it. :)

@Chris : sacrifice(r) ... absolutely!

@SzelsoFa : Thank you!

JaneyV said...

What a cow! I was feeling all sorry for her and then she totally showed her true colours. A painful death in a fiery volcano is too good for her!

Aimee, you did a great job in sucking us in to this character's desperation. I love her feistiness and determination to survive. And the ending is a beauty.

Old Kitty said...

Wow! So much action and I really felt for the mc here - good grief, I'm breathless!! Lovely story, thank you for sharing, take care x

Michael Morse said...

Fate, saviors, victims, angry mob, human sacrifice and deception all in one fantastic package! Well done, I truly enjoyed this.

Jodi MacArthur said...

Well, I guess the dashing prince saved the virgin, just not the way he intended. (Roar! Gulp!)

Fun twist, and I enjoyed how you implied the story by the descriptions.

Aimee Laine said...

@JaneyV: Haaaaaahahahaha Cow? LOL That's a first and yeah you could see it like that. Heehehehe I think the princess is just tired of always waiting to the last minute! :)

@Old Kitty: Thank you so much! I sorta like that I made you breathless! :)

@Michael Morse: Yup, ALL of those! Glad you enjoyed it!

@Jodi MacArthur: Yep ... some 'male' still saved her. Had to keep the horse in that 'role'. :) Thanks so much!

Richard Levangie said...

My first time here, Aimee... I enjoyed your dramatic, evocative scenario and the twisted ending. Thanks!

Lisa Gail Green said...

Love the twist on the fairy tale ending! Poor dumb knight. LOL. Nicely done! I felt her desperation.

Guilie said...

This was beautiful!!! Wonderful take on the fairytale ending. You had me a bit lost there at the beginning with the lava and the smell and the crowd, but the pace picked up, and I was chuckling at the last line. Great job!

C Sonberg Larson said...

I really like this. You're really put the reader in the scene with the great imagery. You really feel for her, then its "Oh, thank God," then it's, "Holy crap! No way" Great ride.

Aimee Laine said...

@Lisa Gail : Thank you! :) I was hoping her desperation would come though.

@Guilie : Thank you! :) That line made me laugh too so it was a keeper!

@ C Sonberg : Thank you! Glad you had a good ride. :)

Jay R. Thurston said...

Great descriptions throughout... namely her plight to escape. Losing momentum through the waves of a resistant crowd was well delivered. I too enjoyed the twist at the end. Nice one!

Sarah Hina said...

You really know how to build a scene, Aimee. I enjoyed this thoroughly. The ending was perfect!

Aimee Laine said...

@Jay R: thank you!

@Sarah: Thank you very much. :)

hilary said...

Twists in the tail can so often be a bit contrived but this one is excellent. I hope you do well

H

L.A Speedwing said...

Ah the shining armour is female at long last! Clever ending. In a few words, you twisted it.

Aidan Fritz said...

The short paragraphs create a sense of suspense and a feeling of how difficult it is for her to escape. It's a tough world she finds herself in, but she seems to have the right attitude.

Aimee Laine said...

@hilary : Thank you! Glad it wasn't 'the usual' :)

@L.A. : hehehehe I love that it's clever!

@Aidan : I love her attitude. :) Thanks for getting the feel. That was my intent!

B. Nagel said...

Nice scene-building and good twist. This was really fun!

Aerin said...

I'm having heart palpitations because for once I disagree with Janey. She was not a cow, she was a person - and seriously, how many guys would really ride in on a white horse anyway? Sure, I wish she'd let him stay on the horse. Sure, I'd hope that he was gorgeous and sensitive and talked his way out and came to find her because he fell in love with how strong she is. Sure, I love ripping silk.

Wait, I've lost my train of thought.

Nicely done.

Aimee Laine said...

@B. Nagel : thank you! :)

@Aerin : hehehehe she did what she needed to do to survive. :) Glad I could put you into her world for a minute. :)

jason evans said...

Now there's some serious pragmatism. Survival wins out. Very good writing!

Congrats on Forties Club!