Saturday, July 16, 2011

Entry #39

It’s Getting Hot In Here
by Paul Liadis


Published July 13, 2041 | FOXNews.com

Record high temperatures were reported across the United States for the thirteenth consecutive month, causing health officials to warn the elderly, the infirm, and mammals to avoid the outdoors between dawn and dusk. Some scientists put the blame on the shoulders of the democrat controlled government at the beginning of the century.

“Although the science is mixed on whether climate change is real, and has it never been proven that the Earth truly is warming, if it was, it most surely be due to the inaction from the left at a most critical time,” said Dr. W. R. Scrued, Political Science, Liberty University. “Not that human action could affect the Earth’s temperature in any way.”

Others take a more spiritual view on so-called climate change.

“If the good Lord meant for us to go outside in the middle of the day, air conditioning woulda never been invented,” shouted Brent Melanin through the driver’s side window of his Ford Decapitator. “Anyways, the Sun is just doin’ what it’s s’posed to. Makin’ the Earth warm.”

Democrat-influenced historians from liberal universities often blame the lack of meaningful climate change legislation on abuse of the filibuster and corporate influence on politics. An overwhelming number of our readers disagree.

According to a FoxNews.com poll, seventy-nine percent of voters blame the democrats for climate change, while eighty-two percent of voters feel that the Earth is not getting any warmer because it snowed that one time last winter.

30 comments:

Aerin said...

Oh, Paul, this is priceless. Hands down my favorite line is "to warn the elderly, the infirm, and mammals".

But, seriously, how do you really feel about FOXNews.....

SzélsőFa said...

and we all keep pointing fingers....
loved the play on words/names, btw!

j a zobair said...

This is hysterical. I'm laughing out loud. You know, while it hits 90 and the humidity settles over me.

Nicely done!

Thomas said...

Well done, Paul! Very topical. Or should that be 'tropical'? Yakyakyak. Good job!

pegjet said...

Wonderful satire. I'm still smiling.

Precie said...

Lmao!!! So...not a fan of Fox News? :)

Clara said...

Very creative, great job! : )

Mikki said...

*snort* Great use of ironic humor to drive the point home! Now let's just hope the mammals listen, and do what's best. I loved the ending, too. I mean, come on. It totally snowed that one time last winter. Don't ya'll remember? Great work. I really appreciate the eyebrow-raising chuckle.

Thanks for sharing!

strugglingwriter said...

I wanted to write something nobody else would.

Sorry in advance (sorta) for anyone offended. I used an actual fox news article as a model for this

Aimee Laine said...

A political take ... totally different, that's for sure! Now ... who's right? :)

SzélsőFa said...

hee - i've just noticed the two percentage figures (which, in a certain way, are alternatives to each other) don't add up to one hundred
yet i am not surprised :DDD

Catrina said...

I loved the detail that went into this. The questionable percentages, Dr. W. R. Scrued, the time it snowed that one winter.

Very clever.

Peter Dudley said...

Ford Decapitator! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Love this. Front to back, top to bottom, inside and out. Smiled the whole way through, laughed a couple times out loud. Priceless.

fairyhedgehog said...

A very wry look at how we handle things! It's almost too close to the truth to be funny.

Michael Morse said...

Political satire with a bunch of good natured fun, nice work!

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Loved this! Political satire about the greenhouse eff... I mean global warmi... what I really meant to say was climate change. Is it really possible? Surely man could never effect the Earth with such nonsensical warblings as warming due to human intervention....I mean all the credible scientifically mens employed in debunking the myth has to be right? Right? RIGHT?

lol

Dottie :)

Jade L Blackwater said...

So many good bits in here, my favorites are Dr. W. R. Scrued, and the driver of the Ford Decapitator.

Excellent.

bluesugarpoet said...

Fuuuunnnny! Loved the play on words, loved the satire! I especially loved that an actual article was the catalyst. :) Jana A.

Old Kitty said...

And no phone hacking involved!

A lovely satirical piece. Very original and darkly funny. Take care
x

strugglingwriter said...

Thanks everyone for the great comments. I normally hate my own writing, but I must say I'm proud of "Earth is not getting any warmer because it snowed that one time last winter"

This one I have to admit has a bit of an edge to it. I was a bit frustrated with it all to tell the truth.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Paul

Richard Levangie said...

Paul:

This is where I live (as a science write who focuses on cleantech and global warming), and I was delighted to read your entry.

Sadly, it has more than the ring of truth. By 2040*, it will be too late to stop a catastrophe, and I'm certain folks with still be denying scientific fact.

So I salute you, sir!

(*Best guess: greenhouses gas emissions will need to start declining by 2020 at the latest, or we'll be looking at hundreds of millions of climate refugees within a generation)

Sarah Hina said...

Oh, Paul. You've made me laugh and wanna cry at the same time. Wonderful, biting satire. I love how different your piece is from all the rest in tone and humor.

That last line is awesome.

Linda Ryan-Harper said...

Gee, Paul, I'm going to nominate you for an award, but which one? The Peabody or the Bradbury?

Still, we must take heart, not that we aren't scrued in 2041, but the drain on the energy grid from air conditioner use causes a major blackout worldwide for weeks. Consequently, there is a looting of liquid nitrogen tanks at the Cryonic Institute for Selective Longevity by locals seeking to cool their beer. The tank holding Murdoch's head overturns, hits the warm floor at which point the liquid nitrogen begins to boil, destroying Murdoch's hope of immortality through science. Without Murdoch's head, FoxNews quickly becomes debunked—I mean, defunct.

Erratic Thoughts said...

haha..Brilliant,this...You know, I just want to take your piece and smirk at news reports...downright entertaining...:)

strugglingwriter said...

Sarah! Thanks so much for the compliments and for just reading.

Linda - I'll take either award. Or the Nobel Peace Prize. I hear they're just giving those away nowadays. Love the Murdoch's head bit you wrote. Perhaps I'll write a short story about that.

Erratic Thoughts - I long ago stopped watching the news on TV. I ran out of TV screens :)

JaneyV said...

Paul - I do love me some satire!!! This is just hilarious - terrifying - but genuinely funny. You have a gift sir!!

Aniket said...

Though I've never watched FOX News (and heard enough, never to regret it), I loved every bit of the piece. Awesome and gives plenty to think about.

Aidan Fritz said...

Love the easter eggs you've scattered through this story. A pleasure to read on multiple levels.

jason evans said...

Oh, that was a fine piece! Great political satire! And solid writing.

Congrats on Forties Club!

strugglingwriter said...

Thanks again Jason!