Sunday, July 17, 2011

Entry #49

Weightier Things
by Rocky Wing


I thought the water would feel weightier. Like the time we whined and mom shouted back “if it’ll shut you up” dumping the bubbles in. I never told her that the directions only called for a capful. That was the first thing that I remember not telling her. One tiny drop, a mere fissure, eroding us.

And then quiet.

I thought the water would feel weightier. Those bubbles would add thickness pressing against our naked bodies. Billy liked the lighter top fluff, carefully corralling it in hopes to form “the longest beard ever.” He has a real beard now, of substance, not so delicate. Under the water it felt more like the real beard. Thick, grimy. I gripped the chain between my toes, pulling. The weighty water tugged at my body. Billy squealed, jumping out. I just lay there, wrinkled body against the porcelain, until every drop ran, eroding me.

And then quiet.

I thought the water would feel weightier. That night dad left us. At the door, a drop curving down his wrinkled face, dad said “blood is thicker than most things. You, me, mom, Billy, we all have the same blood. That means something.” I guess dad was wrong. I can’t feel the weight. I can’t feel the meaning. I dumped more than a capful in this water, more spouts from this stranger’s flesh. She whines like us “why” and screams like mom “Please stop!!” while the knife carves fissures in her skin, eroding her.

And then quiet.

28 comments:

Aerin said...

Creepy. Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous and then - punch in the gut - creepy.

I tend not to like flash fiction without dialogue, but you may yet change my mind. This is an amazing piece, with amazing imagery, repetition that gives it a solid but overdone structure, and a flash-fiction appropriate twist ending.

I don't want to say I love this, since it's so dark, but I vastly admire it - definitely a top contender.

Stephen Parrish said...

Damn. This is good.

Catrina said...

Chilling.

Wendy said...

Really strong piece. Well-written with a powerful unexpected end.

Cath Barton said...

I like the pace of this. The ebb and the flow.

Aerin said...

NOT overdone structure. A solid but NOT overdone structure. That's what I meant.

See, this is why I haven't sent my entry in yet.

Wendy said...

Aerin, based on what I've seen you do you don't have anything to worry about. :)

Catvibe said...

Dark dark dark...I had no idea it was going there. REally good stuff. Loved the contrast of the three vignettes bubbling up with the silent places in between.

Precie said...

Masterfully structured...with a hard punch at the end. Brilliant.

bluesugarpoet said...

Welcome to the show, Rock-star. You already know what I think about this piece, but just for the sake of sharing, I love how you play with words and repetition. Guess you are a master runner AND writer.... :)

Aerin said...

Whoa, whoa. Jana, you're responsible for Pete AND this Rocky Wing person? Tell me again why you're not an agent....?

Aerin said...

(Wendy - thanks. :) )

rocky wing said...

thank you all--your kind words have blessed me greatly. i just called my wife and quoted from memory these comments.

especially Aerin . . . your comment "i don't want to say i love this because it is so dark" is perhaps the greatest compliment EVER!!!

Aimee Laine said...

That was really, really creepy. Thought it was going somewhere lighter ... but well ... not. :) Sometimes, the opposite ending does a story way more than the expected one. :)

fairyhedgehog said...

I didn't expect the ending so it was even more shocking. A very chilling piece.

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Didn't anticipate that ending...increased the creepy factor for me. Nicely done.

Dottie :)

bluesugarpoet said...

@ Aerin - hahaha! Agent, no - but I am hopeful that all of their literary brilliance will rub off on me some day. Plus they both play my favorite sports (and I can hear Rocky now - "you can't PLAY running - you ARE a runner.") Although, I am beginning to rethink my current career with the state of the economy.... :)

Old Kitty said...

Oh now I am so freaked out!! Amazing story - the ending is just brutal and powerful and horrific!! Wonderful story - I'm frightened and so amazed! Take care
x

Jade L Blackwater said...

So dark but so well drawn. Weighty indeed.

Peter Dudley said...

I knew this was going somewhere bad with the first use of "eroding" and the the simple but so-deep "That was the first thing that I remember not telling her." That sentence could not be worded better. (Except maybe removing the second "that", but I pick nits.)

This one really left me cold. Tell you what: I don't want to be locked in a dark room with you and JR, that's for sure.

j a zobair said...

Okay, I'm the kind of person who watches scary movies through slightly parted fingers...and that's how I needed to read this. The sense of dread is palpable. The ending horrifically perfect.

Richard Levangie said...

This kind of scared the bejesus out of me. That's a compliment. :-)

Mikki said...

Ohh. Nice twist, and brilliant insight into the mind of a psychopath. I loved the rhythm.

Thank you for sharing!

Damyanti said...

Gorgeous, resonant piece of writing. Love this.

rocky wing said...

damyanti--i am glad that you can see the beauty in it.

and all others for seeing the darkness.

peter--your comment has plagued me (in the very best way possible) ever since i read it about the two "that's." i want so badly to go back and rewrite it--for you are ABSOLUTELY right. from now on, i send manuscripts to you for perusal.

JaneyV said...

Rocky WIng - this is a chilling read. I was drawn in to your character's head by the perfect descriptions of childhood baths with siblings and waaay too much Matey in it. I felt the rumbles of something disturbing but thought that there was a tragic accident on the horizon. The last para was a real kick.

You pulled me in, kept me interested then socked me in the jaw. Nice job!!

Aniket said...

I think we have a winner!

Powerful writing. Like Aerin, I'm a huge fan of dialogue driven fiction. But that is hugely coz I suck at narration. You most certainly, don't.

To use the same line 4 times in 250 words and each time making an impact is nothing short of brilliant. The words were screaming out to me right till the end,

And then quiet.

jason evans said...

Such a brightness to the writing itself. A real life and flair to it. Even with the dark ending. Great! A high scorer.

Congratulations on the honorable mention!