Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Entry #78

Don’t Play With Me...
by Thomas Joyce


‘Do I have your attention now Mr....Purso? Can I call you Evan?’ said the more talkative of the two as he looked through Evan’s wallet. Evan said nothing. He only sat and watched as the other man, the quiet one, held the waitress by the arm. It was hard to believe that only moments ago he had been sitting in his booth, flirting with the waitress and believing that the only other people in the bar, the two men watching the television above the bar, had been minding their own business.

‘Don’t play with me, Evan,’ said the talker, urgently pressing the point of his blade between two of his ribs. ‘That was more than a magic trick.’

The “trick” he was referring to had been Evan’s idea of impressing the waitress, making the flame on top of the candle dance with just his mind and an outstretched hand, causing the uncomfortably hot sensation in his head and allowing the two men to make their move. But now it was Evan’s turn. The speed of his movement surprised the men as he gripped both of their wrists and inhaled sharply. Every candle in the room lost its flame as he sucked them up, merging them within and expanding the flame until he could feel the heat spreading down his arms. He was relieved to see the waitress take cover behind the bar as the three men were engulfed.

You should not have played with me.’

20 comments:

Chris Allinotte said...

This has a gritty, "superhero" feel to it that I really like. You set the scene well - though I wonder if doing stuff like that with a candle would impress, or freak out the waitress?

Precie said...

This strikes me as a teasing glimpse of a much bigger work. Do you have more on Evan and what he's capable of? I'd want to see more. Well done.

Aimee Laine said...

Whoops. :) Careful never to mess with your dining neighbors. ;)

Thomas said...

To all thanks for the feedback!

Chris - the original draft was much longer (about 3x) and I think I had something to explain why she wasn't so freaked, but its a good point.

Precie - I didn't originally intend it to be part of a longer piece but I too want to learn more about Evan Purso. Something for the future.

Aimee - lol, very good! We never know who we eat beside. Could be a little old lady, could be a wicked old witch...

Catrina said...

The last line has a lot of punch (spark?). Excellent job paring things down, considering it was 3x the allowed length.

Damyanti said...

I love the last line. Would love to read a novel with Evan as the protagonist!

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Wellll... I guess Evan showed them, didn't he? But, now I have to wonder why Evan can control the flames? And he was trying to seduce the waitress...again I'm wondering.

Dottie :)

pegjet said...

You have created an intriguing character with this flash. I hope to read more about Evan in the future.

SzélsőFa said...

oh, Evan, the man who has an issue with fire. i like him a lot :)

fairyhedgehog said...

There's so much backstory implied here. I'd like to believe that the narrator isn't consumed by the fire he calls.

bluesugarpoet said...

I love a protagonist who dances between the darkness and light - nice job in shaping a likable character who is capable of more than we see at first glimpse. ~Jana A

Erratic Thoughts said...

This is quite exceptional...and I loved the title...Superb!:)

Old Kitty said...

I loved how the tables were turned!! Yay for Evan! Loved this read, thank you! take care
x

Aidan Fritz said...

Bravo! The opening captures the scene well and I like the ending; although with three-men does that mean he took them with him?

Mikki said...

Indeed; that's one guy they should have left alone. I loved that last line, and the concept is interesting.

Thank you for sharing!

Richard Levangie said...

The best characters with such abilities always have darkness in their souls.

I think you could have slow things down a little as he corralled the flames, to give the bad guys a few moments to realize their mistake... but I enjoyed reading about Mr. Purso.

Thomas said...

Amazed by all the positivity! Can you feel the love? Thanks to all for the feedback and suggestions. I hear everything you have to say. And to all, a Gooooood Luck!

Aerin said...

It's like he's a human deluminator (Harry Potter)! Great!

JaneyV said...

Very nice Thomas, I enjoyed this immensely.

jason evans said...

I like the matter-of-fact way the character thinks of and used his powers. Inventive story with solid writing.

Congrats on Forties Club!